BPDFamily.com

If I were to tell family and friends of my BPD wife's behavior in the privacy of our home, they would think I was certifiably crazy and tell me I was the biggest liar on the planet. The "public" thinks she is the nicest person in the world. How does that work?  How does the BPD manage that?  Why does it work that way?

Steve, I hear you and it’s tough. I also attempted many times to tell family and friends and they simply did not get it. We live with it and see it first hand.

BPD is a shame based disorder - my ex simply was saving face – was petrified of others having any ill feelings towards him so instead, people pleased. Abuse usually happens behind closed doors.

How are you going right now?

I am not doing well. I am at a loss. I know what I should do but the truth is I am afraid of the consequences. I am trying very hard to take care of myself.

Steve, we have a bunch of tools to help you. Can I suggest you start posting threads about specific incidences that have/are concerning you and we can help you work through them - its best to work with examples - especially when you are emotionally spent.

Wow does this hit home... . my BPD ex would always say she was exhausted mentally after work and she only worked a couple days a week.

"They expend alot of time and energy to do it and then come home and unleash the beast on us"

Hi Steve,

this is a puzzling question, one which most of us asked ourselves at some point in time.

BPD is to a large extent an emotional regulation issue compounded by splitting. By acting out at home she works though her negative emotions we all have. And splitting allows her to push the negativity and acting out aside and being a very different person on the outside.

We all experience negative emotions - it is just that we usually work though them in a less destructive manner. By allowing her to behave out of bounds at home she is able to show a cleansed side of herself to others. And as long as she can abuse you there will be no reason for her to change. Why should she, her way of life is working well for her. Please read up on Boundaries in the workshop section.

Speaking of negative emotions: "The "public" thinks she is the nicest person in the world. How does that work?" Why does it matter to you if your wife looks good outside? Is there a slight sense of envy, a sense of competitiveness on your side? Or a sense dread and isolation of not being understood by others? That would be all ok and it would be natural to feel so. And still this would be another reason to work through boundaries as that will be helpful to focus yourself on your side of the story alone. Not because your side is the only one that matters but because your side is the only one which you can control. You can't control her. You can't control other's view of her. You may be able to influence both a little with a large expense of energy. But you have full control of yourself and there is a lot more power than you realize.


Any change will have consequences. Any continuation without change will also have consequences. Likely you need to make a few bigger changes. Together it may be a huge change. Now here is a secret: A set of small changes can add up. Small changes enable bigger changes. Bigger changes add up. The first ones are the hardest, it gets easier after a while.

Hang in there

I used to feel jealous because everyone else got to experience the wonderful version of my SOs and I would feel ashamed because I felt shamed that the SO treated me like such garbage at home. And I felt like it must be my fault, something wrong with me that made them change so much.

Shaggy! This is exactly how I would feel. She would always be so fun and great around my friends, and she used to be like that around my family. I had asked her a few times why can't you be like that with me, I want that kind of treatment. She treated me like a piece of trash, she could never treat me like she treated me friends. It really upset me.

Didn't even have to ask DW this one, one night she answered it on her own... . " I know you love me and I have you ( got you hooked ) so I don't have to.  But with others I don't... .

anOought,

Good question.  Why does it matter to me?  I don't even have an answer.  I think I am a pretty good guy and I guess I fear losing family and friends.  I'm sure she will rally the troops.  I guess, like many things in life, it is risk/benefit.  Do I want my life back, or do I want to look good in the eyes of others?  I know the answer but implementing it is another story.