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I've tried everything else.  I have tried asking for closure I have tried reaching out to her sister.   I have tried everything humanly possible to get a few honest words out of her and it has driven me to a complete nervous breakdown.

I have turned the the cheek throughout my life.   My psychologist said "you got shat on from a great height by someone with BPD".   I had been betrayed by a ex spouse and the betrayal from by BPD ex reopened wounds that I thought I had healed from years ago.    I put my trust in I forgave her past lies attributing them to stress.  But it is much deeper than this and reason and asking for honesty and closure simply won't work.  She has shame on a level I cannot fathom.   She had a loyal loving trusting partner who carried some stress of the previous lies but whom ultimately just wanted a normal relationship with mutual trust and respect.  As much as I hoped that the phase of deception secrets and betrayal would change it never can.       She can't give me what I wanted and having been painted black there is no way she can admit her abhorrent behaviour.   

Forgiving her is much easier than forgiving myself for my part in the dysfunctional dance.   I thought it was real and I feel deeply embarrassed that I was just a crutch to her.   A source of affection for her narcissism.   

In hoping for some small sign that the two years of constant support forgiveness trust understanding and patience meant something to her I have just made myself sick. 

I can't keep living my life like this.   

I will never be able to forget but my focus now is on forgiveness.   A good friend said to me the other day you need to be more selfish.    I wish I knew how.   I don't want to be selfish.  I want to retain the values of trust and honesty and commitment that I gave my ex. 

But I do need to harden up a bit and start rebuilding my life.    Clinging to the words expecting another outcome or believing that I could overcome the difficult times were just wasted moments.

Prayer kindness (to myself) and road to healing ( however long) is the only way or I will destroy the rest of my life.

Having your trust betrayed is just God awful.  She had her trust betrayed as a child by a family friend and I don't think she has ever been able to accept the impact of that on her life as an adult.   Thank God I never experienced that as a child.   

I loved her very much.   I need to start loving myself a little more.

Beautiful insight, really!  |iiii

Do you have a idea, what can help you doing so?

Thanks Surnia If I had the answer to that question I would be a happy man.

One of the things that worked for me was validation. Are you a bit familiar with it? It is one of the recommended tools here for our SO. (Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation))

When I started here, I found out that I was not so bad to validate others. But not with myself. I found out that I was very fast in condemning myself, and doing a lof of negative self talk. So I started to validate myself. Validating my feelings or what I did. And forgive myself when I failed for little things in daily life. Steady practice is important. Because we have to rewire our brain from long years of negative self talk.

This could be a start. And you can do it immediately.   

I can totally relate to your feelings in this. I too was/ in part still very ashamed of the fact that my ex wasn't experiencing the relationship the same way I was. It's quite devastating to accept that their capacity to relate to others is based in objectification.

When I realized and accepted this truth it felt so invalidating. And it triggered my hidden worthlessness as I believed that I had finally found unconditional love. It's all very saddening. The little girl in me still weeps at times for the loss.

But I agree. Forgiveness is a major part of the healing process. But I personally believe in forgiving ourselves first and giving ourselves the validation we so freely give to others. Forgiving ourselves takes practice because for so long we've doled out compassion in exchange for validation and acceptance.

With insight I realized how many years I've spent being an emotional matyr and an approval addict. Even with my friends and family. My worth had been based on the happy and sad faces of others due to my own childhood trauma. For me... . forgiving myself is an uphill battle based on reversing this belief that my worth comes from the approval of others. Like Surnia stated... . forgiving ourselves takes practice.

Forgiveness is a journey not a race to the finish line. I do forgive my ex because I accept that he's truly sick. I accept that he had a history before I came into the picture that destroyed the little boy that lives inside of him.

Am I still angry?... . at times yes. When I think of the sweet memories I feel like I was robbed of having the love of my life due to a mental illness... . but I'm slowly starting to let go of that narrative as well.

I am the love of my own life.

Spell