BPDFamily.com

So for years I have been coming here talking about my PD family. Father who I thought was an enabler is actually NPD moms victim. I don't know why I didn't see it so clearly.  Her NPD has worn him down over 53 year.  Her selfishness her disparaging remarks to him about him , her no winnable expectations and her meanness has worn him down and she manipulated FOG to do it. She divided the family and my sister and I.  My father is hitting 84 and everything is failing.  My sister was groomed to be Mums protector and Knight to defend the poor little thing, The last words I had from my sister is the happiest day is when I never see or talk to you again and threatened me with an AVO.  I conquered my sister in the end. I Just shut her down. It was great.

So the enxt thing is I get a sister phone call saying Dad nis sick the ambulance are on their way. And like the good person I am I am off to the rescue of my dad. He spends a week in hospital his heart is failing his kidneys and liver are rotten but he gets discharged and mother insists on dragging hi8m out every day even though everyone explains why his must rest. Then he tells us they are going on holiday. Nother who drives like Mr magoo is going to put a very ill man in a car cause she wants to go / run away from everything.

My Freaky sister ( that is the one who seems to have had great therapy and big insight into NPDMOM ) try to get some stuff in the works to make life easier. Rearrange a few things so ambulance can get access easier and whilst dad agrees , Baby Jane says No, even when the practicalitys and the consequences (time is i important and the Dad could die) she said that's fine.

My son the science guy went around to explain why Dad has to rest and that he isnt lazy selfish ... . useless

I fear mum is using Dad as a tool for spite, revenge for him being sick in hospital + selfish attention, my sister and I helping him = him selfish attention, us trying to make things practical + him attention, me saying get off his back he has to sleep + him selfish attention.

In fact when I have stepped back and looked at the big picture this is domestic violence/.  If this was my dad doing this to mum it would be DV.

So I have three choices

!. Ignore it

2. Go to her doctor as a patient complaining about her mother so her doctor  can hear the whole story, however I dont know what the doctor can do

3 Quietly threaten her to rain in her behaviour be nice not punish him or there will be consequences that I can implement.  The only thing that is her currency is her preservation of her self and her own importance and her anxiety. In other words quietly terrorize her into behaving herself. I can easiey do it or threaten her perfect self by telling people what she is doing to dad. She would hate that.

Has anyone had any success with any of these three options

After my sister goes back to far away where she lives she starts texting... . still freaky insightful  must of had therapy sister and she tells me that she misses me. We can move on but I have told her I can hand the cycles fights.   Her abusive unforgivable words still burn in my chest. And my family cant handle it either.

My freaky sister is the same sister who wanted an avo on me but has done a massive turn around

Have you considered making a call to social services to ask if there is anything to be done? You may be able to ask anonymously without filing a report at this point and decide later if that needs to be done. In my state, the same agency that looks into child abuse also investigates elder abuse and neglect.

As far as feedback on the choices you list:

#1. Ignoring abuse and neglect is not going to make it go away. On the other hand, if your dad is mentally competent, it is up to him to make choices about his own health. He picked your mother, he chooses to remain with her, and he could say no to her if he really wanted to. Unless he is no longer mentally able, in which case social services really probably should become aware of the situation.

#2. Complaining to your mother's doctor isn't going to change her or improve the way she treats your father. Privately sharing your concerns about your father's health and the level of care he is getting at home with *his* doctor might be more helpful.

#3. I don't really recommend blackmail or threats. Especially not to a pwNPD. You would need documentation and witnesses every step of the way and also be prepared for severe retaliation. You do not have the power to control your mother's behavior. Let people with training and authority step in if it is that bad.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Whist my dad in the early days could stand up to her, he is weak and old and exhausted and it is like saying to a victim of DV just leave. He can.  She is well known on the family to be a liar and she has told so many lies about me no one believes her anymore. Thats why I could deny every thing she says I said.