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From another thread: Re: Relationship breakdowns

Heartandwhole: Quote from: qkslvrgirl: What we run from is the discomfort of people bumping, bruising, trampling, and otherwise wreaking havoc in our space.  Yes, that nails it for me, qkslvrgirl. It seems like I'm often trying to "shield" myself from that discomfort. I'm getting better though. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my boundaries in less emotional situations - practice for the tough ones. I think the key, as you said, is to forge ahead through the discomfort. I like dreaming, but I want out of Oz.  

Here is my question - open for feedback: How can a person actually embrace emotional discomfort as an empowering tool to break free of their subconscious disempowering (codependent) patterns?

As is commonly stated, we can't change our situation until we change our mental constructs. The first step appears to become aware of our own values and beliefs (boundaries) IN THE MOMENT that they are being attacked, smothered, disregarded, ignored, bludgeoned, trampled, etc.

Here's a key: Just writing the above words stirred a feeling of anger and indignation. This is the Point of Empowerment - Grab the thoughts and feelings (rather than suppressing or avoiding) and detach a bit and look at what nuggets of truth they contain.

It's like being an emotional scientist: You find a pile of rare Golden Do-Do bird crap on the ground; and you know that if you put on your rubber gloves, you can safely sort through it to uncover the gold nugget. (And if gold is $2000 an ounce, wouldn't it be worth it?)

Knowledge of our beliefs and values can be leveraged into empowering awareness. I'm no longer running away from my negative emotions ... . I'm searching for the gold.

What suppressed values and beliefs have you uncovered?

What changed for you internally?

How were you empowered to act differently?

Did this change the problematic situation; and if so, how?

I'll start with this one: I value personal freedom to travel overseas for the joy of adventure and  to visit relatives. As a co-dependent and provider of narcissistic supply to my spouse, I realized that I was mentally weighed down and no longer felt free to travel.

Once I realized my faulty belief pattern (one that did not serve me), I announced and scheduled vacation time from work (three weeks) to travel to Asia. This empowered me to find the resolve to make plans, update my passport, and act as if I was going to go on this trip (I am leaving the end of next month).

My uN/BPDh stayed silent for weeks - and I did not discuss my plans further. He finally sent me an email asking if I was still going to Asia at such and such a time. I said yes. End of discussion.

Quicksilver Girl

I am eager to hear others' input on this thread, because I am already thinking about the family gathering at Christmas that bring a family together with two siblings who are basically not speaking to each other, and my poor mom who just wants peace. Oh, joy 

Right on with this thread!

I usually find fear under my avoidance... . and often discover that when I really look at the fear, I find that what I'm afraid of is usually either A) unavoidable whatever I do, and/or B) something I'm capable of surviving pretty well anyhow. And that if I face the fear, I can act in accordance with my own values, dreams, etc.

1. What suppressed values and beliefs have you uncovered?

One of the main values today for me is I have discovered I don't care for chaos and drama after all. That someone else's emergency doesn't become mine. I will not "take on" someone else's life lessons.

2. What changed for you internally?

This realization has had a direct impact on my anxiety. I'm much calmer, I can think more clearly. When this feeling of "I need to rescue" sneaks in I know to step back a bit and reorganize my thoughts.

3. How were you empowered to act differently?

Just one example recently, Mom calls to tell me to call my brother, she is worried. (He is dealing with normal stress of a new business) She is codependent as well (was very enmeshed with him for years) and is angry/hurt/confused about why he doesn't want to talk. He is in recovery for alcohol and drug use, clean for a year and is learning to experience and cope with his own emotions. I tell her no I will not call, he is working out his own stuff. She get's angry with me and I calmly push back with "this is who you wanted him to be. He is an adult dealing with adult issues. He is learning to cope on his own without you or I, which is exactly what you and I wanted. This is what recovery looks like. Do not take it personally." I hang up the phone after we talk and have no reaction to this event, no anxiety, no pull or desire to call my brother. I would have struggled with this in the past and probably would have given in and called since now I was worried too. We both, my mother and I, have to sit with any uncomfortable feeling and allow the outcome to play out as it will.

4. Did this change the problematic situation; and if so, how?

Yes, it's helped. She's learning not to call me about this type of situation, and she use to often. I have learned not to get involved. She refuses Al Anon or coda so what little she knows about recovery I've shared when I know her "stuff" is pushed my way and is intended to affect me, it helps set an example for these situations for her when I don't react to her demands. The result in understanding is she can, and does, relax a little too. It's better for both of us. AND for my brother. Instead of becoming angry with him she is becoming proud of him for being stronger. Proud of both of us actually and it feels pretty good that we are becoming a stronger, healthier family.  :)