BPDFamily.com

Hi Guys. I haven't been on here in a few weeks so I'll just bring you up to speed.

My udBPDh and I have been waiting for appointment's to see Psychatrists for six months. There were complication's getting the right doctors that our GP thought we should have, but non-the-less we have appointments next month. Here's the hard part: as we draw closer to the appointments my udBPDh's behavior is getting worse and worse. I just made the decision tonight that I'm not going to work (I've been in between jobs recently) until after we see both psychiatrist. I find it excruciatingly painful when he's the Hide of the Jeckle & Hide.

I feel I need some support as I go along now, as everything in him will be fighting to keep his current coping method that he's used his whole life rather than face the fact of indeed having a PD. He's fought very hard in his life not to have "something wrong with himself", this is what amongst other things makes me feel compassion for him. Although I can feel me brain saying... . ENOUGH! But I have to hold on until at least the appointment's are done. 

Any encouragement you can give would help bolster my emotions to focus on the goal. Thank you. 

Hi RX,

It is certainly an uneasy feeling, having to wait for a diagnosis.  As you may be aware, even though the partners of some members here are dx, it doesn't mean things will just suddenly be ok.  We will still need to work on ourselves, learn new tools to communicate and "teach" them (by our actions) how they should treat us.

Have you thought of what you can do in the meantime to help your H? 

Hi RX,

It sounds like you are doing all you can to keep it together.

It's wonderful you are able to feel such compassion for your H, are you able to turn some of that compassion to yourself as well?

There is only so much you can while you are waiting for the appointments, I think as much self-nurturing as possible will help you stay strong.

Who do you have around you for support? Friends or family you can talk to? Do you have your own T?

As you are not working can you spend some of that time on yourself, doing things that nourish and strengthen you? What are some things on your happy list?

Love Blazing Star

A dx often isn't all that helpful. Treatment must be acceptable to the patient and is a long, hard road. People reject dx, especially scary ones, with stigma, like PD.  And if he gets a dx, it may not be the dx you have in mind, clinicians often avoid dx PD for clinical and practical reasons. Regardless of the label, he is who he is and will be for a very long time. Be careful, too much focus on the ill partner generally increases our suffering. What are you doing to take care of you and your own anxiety as you go through this ? This is where the real potential for improvement  lies.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and follow-up questions.

As far as taking care of myself I have made it a priority to ensure that I'm getting "me time" and "me activities". This whole idea, of doing things that make me say to myself "that was SO FUN, when do I get to do that again?", crept into my world all on it's own. I mean, I had read it time and time again in my BPD literature but didn't actually make it something I needed to work on right away. But it's happening. Which I'm grateful. As far as people to turn to? Well, I have taken the last six to eight months reaching out and cultivating resources that I can use on a weekly and monthly basis to help ease what I'm in. Not all of my resources are stellar, however I am persistent in trying to use what I can to gain wisdom so that I can take better actions that involve myself and my udBPDh.  My road thus far has been exactly what the Family Guide has shared about therapists not having the right info about BPD. In short making things worse not better. I am vary aware of how the medical system works now and am trying my best to work within their limitations. The Family Guide, SWOE and other books on the topic encourage us Non's to use our gut instincts as a guide when finding information and help. This I have come to realize is right on the mark. For example: after I had shared with our GP that my H didn't think he had a problem and that he feels I'm the one with the problem, he (the GP) said the thing about BPD is that they are very up front about having problems. I was so distraught in that moment as I had JUST read in SWOE that Non-transparency is a dynamic for those in the High-functioning BPD group. In that moment I wasn't going to tell him he was wrong (how do you tactfully tell a Doctor they're wrong). But the next time I met with him I brought in one of my books and showed him in black & white  when he said it a second time. So, you not only need Olympic size amounts of patience with our loved ones but also for the ones that are suppose to know more than we. I know that BPD is new for the medical community, however they shouldn't give you that look and body language like it's my word against his (in cases of non-transparency). Because then you not ONLY live in hell at home but you have to fight to get you both out of there in the silence of those that pass judgment.

I never gave up hope of a local support group. And one day as I was trying AGAIN to Google and see if anything was out there, it happened. A courageous mother who's daughter is diagnosed BPD began a group and was also determined to seek out others for support and education about this disease. So to wrap up answering some of your questions; yes I am trying to make the most of the time I have. By the way, my H family wants nothing to do with addressing his mental health issues. Which they have gone through with him since he was very young. He has been diagnosed with depression and OCD. Both of which do not get recognized by his family. So I am not just fighting to get my H to see what's going on, it's his family too. I know it's not my job to have his family come to reality with all of this, however when our treatment for BPD begins (and I say that with bold faith) if by that time they remain in denial at least both our therapists and us will know the lay of the land.

Much too long of a response... . must end here.