BPDFamily.com

I have been trying to research on this but haven't found much. Any information or understanding of the relationship and behaviors involved here, would be really helpful and appreciated!



Background: My exbf (uBPD) had moved of his parents home and his native country for studies and never returned to live there since over a decade, but intends to after a few years. He loves and respects his parents but avoids talking to them often, shares only limited updates with his parent. His mother often checks on him more than his dad, and she keeps suggesting him or sending him feeds on 'career' related articles. She reminds him to be rational and practical in life. When he is stressed or low he goes underground, not contacting his parents for weeks. He was unhappy with his job or confused what he wanted to do, but knew all he wants is money (and power). He felt like the blacksheep of his entire family, who cannot match up to his parents status. He takes the most important decisions of his life consulting his mother. To get a job he always takes help or uses her strong professional network. He always bragged about his parents lifestyle, their connections/network and their achievements. I sensed/observed his mother to be domineering and quite Narcissistic while his father was quite passive in behavior and spoke only when required.

There's a tone of info about all sorts of stuff over at www.psychologytoday.com

Try this link and see how you go

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/under-friendly-spell/200809/getting-over-narcissistic-mother

Bloke :)

Thanks for this Bloke  :)

One of the influencing behaviors due to his parents was his passive aggressive behavior. The man who professed his undying love changed drastically when his mother's controlling and judgemental attitude and comments (about me) came into picture. He began to withdraw from the r/s like i meant nothing to him anymore.

I did not have any close comms with his mother but met her a few times when our families met (to decide our marriage). We things fell apart between me and her son, she ignored my calls, and emails and  did tell on me to her son. She asked him to move on. And he did tell me a few times earlier on in the r/s that he is a mama's boy. I never thought of it as a bad things actually, but little did i know what he would leave me for this.

I don't know if my ex's mother was a narcissist but I know for sure that she was a six pack drunk and severely neglected & abandoned him emotionally because of her alcohol addiction. She also did not know "who" her mother was.

My BPDexbf hated his mother and admitted to raging at her because he has so much bottled up pain from his parents completely failing him; especially his mother.

Mothers generally do not get bad raps for being bad parents. In a way it's kind of a dirty little secret that often not discussed when it comes to children being ruined. People blame dads all the time... . but mothers generally escape being social "pariahs" for being bad parents.

My ex truly hated his mother and desperately longed for a "mommy" replacement. He's always been attracted to older women and he hated women who drank or showed signs of substance abuse. He didn't "trust" women and deeply struggled with connection and intimacy.

One of the most powerful lessons I've learned from this relationship is to never... . and I mean never... . date a man who hates his mother.  I always got the feeling that my ex was trying to make me pay for her sins when he raged at me.

BPD is an attachment disorder so on some level something went horribly wrong in the child to mother bond.

Spell

Crystal,

My ex was the same way.  He was enmeshed with his mother and allowed her to make all his important decisions for him.  Eventually he used his mom's words to break it off with me, and although this really hurt, it was a serious wake-up call for me.  I didn't realize the extent of her influence over him and it really creeped me out.

I know it doesn't help to know the dysfunctional role of the parent in our ex's lives; it doesn't make the pain hurt any less.  But it does give us a window into their chaotic life and I hope it gives you the courage to let go.  These type of unhealthy connections between a mother and her child don't just disappear; it is a life sentence.

tailspin

Thank you BPDspell and tailspin for sharing your experiences.

The dynamics of my r/s changes when his mother came into picture. Every mother wants the best for their child, and it hurts real bad when in both my relationships the mother were one of the major causes of the break up.  :'(

She is oblivious of her son's behavior and the abuse i had gone through. I have no clue how he represented me to her, all he kept telling her was the fights, and arguements we had. But that's the least information i had of what he was sharing with her about me.