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My ex, diagnozed with BPD, and I have been in n/c over the past two months. While I still miss her from time to time, I appreciate this n/c, which enables me to regain control of my life. The issue is that she left some stuff at my place and still have a key of my apartment. I need to get it back before I move to a new place. I will therefore have to contact her in some way and I really do not know how to do it as I fear her reactions. She has been completely unemotional in the weeks prior to the separation and I have reasons to think that she has a new boyfriend (who was lined up well before), so all could go perfectly well. It could also turn horrible as I suppose that it is not compleletly innocently that she left stuff and kept a key (a way of saying, as she used to, I love you but cannot be with you). She has had extreme reactions in the past when confronted with separation and even threatened to commit suicide and I fear that this might make her realize that it is definitely over as far as I am concerned. How should I communicate with her in practical terms? Is an email ok (it will be too difficult if I call her)? What should I avoid saying? To be completely honest, I must say that a part of me hopes that she will react saying that she still wants a r/s with me and I already know I will feel extremely sad if there is no such reaction.

Blaise,

I think you don't want to get involved in a relationship with her again if you are honest with yourself and everything she did put you through.  The person you think to know does not exist.  It is the BPD, with all of it's consequences. 

You are on the right path, the path of healing, don't leave it.

You do know why she left stuff, it's a reason to have contact, you to contact her or vice versa.  Don't run into that trap that is typical BPD behaviour.

What I would do is to mail her all of her stuff, or just drop it off, without any contact.  I repeat without any contact, don't get tempted.  If you know you may be, mail the stuff to her.

Getting the key back is another problem.  Is there anyone you know who can go and get it for you, a relative or so ?

Do not mail, do not phone, you will trigger something I can assure you, been there myself a number of times, and was so stupid to fall in the same trap again.  Don't waste precious time of your life and healing on the same mistakes.

Hope this helps

Reg

Thank you Reg for taking the time to read me and respond. I know you are right, it is this stupid hope that she will heal, fueled by the fact that she has been seeing a therapist for years.

I will figure out a way of getting rid of her stuff. For the key, the only option I see is to tell the landlord that I have lost it and they will charge me the cost of changing the lock. It's probably money well invested. Funny that I only realize now, wondering how I am going to deal with her stuff, that she probably left it it on purpose all this time.

One funny thing to conclude: at the beginning of our story, she took lessons to get a motorcycle driving license as I had a motorcycle myself and she knew I loved riding; a few months before we separated, she started running and speaking about triathlon... . Guess what? She now is with one of my colleagues (she used to work in my firm) whom I know is a triathlete.

Always the same pattern. So predictable.

Blaise,

I'm glad you realized it.  And yes she left it on purpose.  Been there a few times myself.  Even when my ex didn't have stuff anymore in my house she was asking about some clothing I knew she had in her property, and I even knew where it was.

My ex actually had one interest cars, especially BMW and VW T1/Samba.  The rest was also a copy of mine, with my bicycle or love for the water... . although I swim as a rock LOL.

As you say it so predictable.  We need to remind ourself of the lessons we took.

Reg

Hi Blaise

Good to hear that you are better now, getting your life back.  |iiii

I think changing the locks would be the best. Yes, it is very well invested money. Detaching step by step.