BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

I am having trouble taking my own advice today.

My b/f is becoming disregulated due to being tired, hot, sore back and some planned events happening for us next week and his sons birthday (we have some time off)

I am emotional today and was last night too. Not sure exactly where its coming from apart from a general sense that I have been bottling things up and its all leaking out whether I want it to or not. Its probably from periods of his disregulation when I have been validating (its been going well) but I have had all these things stored up to discuss with him at a better time. The better time comes and I dont discuss them - they stay inside. There are other stressful outside things going on as well for me (money, housing, job)

All I want from him is a cuddle and to talk to him today. On the phone today he disregulated on me, talking so fast I could hardly get a word in even to validate (managed a bit though). He says I am closed off to him (in a way he is right as I am bottling things up -  Also last night I was a bit distant to him while we were at his house as I was angry over something he had said and I was giving myself and him some space to avoid any conflict) During the call tonight I asked for my cuddle and he agreed I could come over in two hours. He will probably welch on this arrangment as he says he will call me first.

I know I should leave this and not push him but I REALLY want a cuddle and I want to open up to him that I feel vulnerable and delicate today. This is part of my bottling things up, that I sometimes dont feel I can ask for this stuff when I need it. He can sense this in me but I am not telling him. I really want this cuddle tonight.

Any advice if I do see him tonight? I know you guys will tell me not to go see him but I am only human and just need a cuddle and a chat sometimes when I have had a bad day... .

Cuddle, yes. Chat, no. He's already dysregulated, if you try for a chat you're running serious risk of escalating things - then you'll feel even worse! I think you're also going to have to come clean about what's really bothering you but I wouldn't get into an actual 'discussion' about it. He responded well when you told him about some of your history before... . Maybe you could just remind him of that stuff and say it sort of popped into your mind again and it was causing you to feel upset. Do NOT relate your feeling upset to something he did. This is your 'stuff' and, yes, he's insensitive and triggering - but you know he can't help it. You need to be in a better head space before you start having a 'real' conversation, you know?

Think long term! It's not all about today. (A smart cookie reminded me of this very thing recently!)

Arabella  

Thank you!

Yes I know you are right   It's also what I know in my logical brain but my emotional side is running away with me today.

OK - I sorted some of my financial issues just now so that stress has gone today. Feel better for doing it which helps.

You are right in that a part of my upset is in part due to some of the things I had previousley shared and opened up to him about. Not all of it but some. I will tell him this part but will leave the issues about him for a "better time" (eye-rolling at myself here  ) That's if he will see me and he may not want to. More eyerolling... .

I will take your advice as ever  

Happens to me too - my emotional brain takes over and I start heading into places I don't want to be. I attribute some of it to my-issues Ick!

And, hey,   is much better than :'(

Stay calm. And remember that there are people out here cheering for you!  

Arabella - you are such a lovely person.

Thank you