BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I'm the oldest in a family of four (adult) boys.  We grew up with a sometimes abusive, alcoholic father and we're all kind of messed up in our own ways.  The brother closest to me in age has showed symptoms of BPD for years, but was only diagnosed last year.  I just always thought he was difficult and stubborn until it dawned on me that he might have an actual psychological condition that made him so unstable.  After a lot of pleading he finally agreed to get some help and when I learned he had BPD, suddenly everything made sense.  His life is constant chaos and I'm the only person he really trusts in the world.  Not only is that a lot of pressure, but it makes me feel especially guilty whenever I've taken all I can and have to create some space in our relationship.

He's 37 years old now, depressed, friendless, estranged from the rest of our family, impoverished, uninsured, and just barely functional.  He's expressed suicidal thoughts in the past and he left me a voice mail yesterday informing me that he just quit his job after conflicts with co-workers and asked me to try to find a counselor for him.  I haven't always been as involved in his life as I probably should be, but sometimes I get tired of rescuing him from one self-created crisis after another.  I realize it isn't his fault, but there's only so much I can give before my anger starts to build and then I realize I'm avoiding him as a self-protection strategy.  I'm glad he's open to seeing a professional again, as I don't have the expertise or emotional energy to be his De-facto therapist.

Anyway, that's the basic gist of my situation.  Thanks for reading and I look forward to sharing whatever I can and benefiting from the experience of others.

Hi TheSeeker

*welcome*

It sounds like you've had a rough time. So I'm glad you found us! We help and support each other here and many members are walking in your shoes.

I, too, had that moment when suddenly everything made sense, when my boyfriend was diagnosed. All the crazyness, all the bizarre, volatile, off reactions suddenly fit perfectly in a pattern. And here we learn how to deal with it. A good place to start is to take a look at:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD  (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html)

and

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy)

And I also wanted to say that it's a good thing that you're taking some time and space to yourself when you need it. Yes, he's your brother, but you'll be a much better support to him when you take good care of yourself. A lot of the work we do here is about that, making sure we have healthy, strong boundaries.

What does your family say about his diagnosis?

Do you have any support in them?

Do you have a network of friends or a therapist for yourself?

Please keep posting! It really does help. We're here for you

 

Hi TheSeeker,

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you as well.  I'm glad you reached out. I really relate to your comment about self-protection, I do that as well.  I think it's very understandable that you need space and time out for yourself.  Then you are in a better space to offer help, anyway.

Keep posting and let us know how we can support you.  We're glad you're here. 

heartandwhole

I appreciate the messages of support and the links.  I will check them out. 

Unfortunately, our family is very fractured.  Our parents divorced a couple years after my brother was born and our mother died of cancer when we were young adults.  In fact, that's when my brother really started to go off the rails.  Our father is re-married and doesn't have much time for either one of us.  The extended family are pretty cliquish and we didn't grow up around them, so we're not very close.  They are also very "old school" and don't really believe in therapy.  At this point, they just think he's a "bum".  On the rare occasions that I see anyone else in the family, they seem to want to hold me accountable for my brother's behavior.

I have few friends, probably due in part to my own social anxiety, so my wife and pets are pretty much my sole support group.  I've seen therapists in the past and may do so again in the future, if I feel it becomes necessary.  Thanks for asking.