BPDFamily.com

After I finally separated from my husband - due to cycles of verbal abuse and extreme controlling behavior with me and the kids - he denied everything at first.  I kept away from him.  He softened up.  He missed his family (we have two sons).  After a few months, he went to therapy, and we had lots of discussions via email about what had happened.  After several months, he got to a point where he was admitting to everything, explaining why he was the way he was, etc.  He REALLY wanted his family back.

It was the first time that I didn't fear talking to him.  That I could say what I wanted without dancing on eggshells.

But I had already filed for divorce, because he said at first "Well, if you're separating, might as well get this over with" and encouraged me to file.

But after he got into therapy, we were at a point where he was staying over on weekends and I was trying to see if there was a chance we could get back together.  But as a legal strategy, his laywer had him file for custody of the kids.  This scared me, of course, and my lawyer advised me not to let him sleep over anymore.

So I told him he had to stop sleeping over on weekends for the time being.  He went bananas after that.  The lying, control, etc. started returning.  Then sometimes he would be okay again.  He would ask if there was a chance of reconciling, and be on his best behavior.  Then sometimes the lies and control would return.

He said the stress of divorce was causing his old behaviors to resurface.

I think it was just a warning and reminder to me that even if we got back together, even if he stayed in therapy, even if I had him sign statements about behavior he could not engage in, really I would have no protection if he got abusive again.  Sure, I could just leave again, but the kids would be older and it would be more complicated if I try again.

But I think a part of me will always wonder:  "What if we really stuck it out?  What if I had put the divorce on hold and he stayed in therapy every week and we worked really hard and became a family again?"  It wasn't BPD therapy he was getting, just general talk therapy.  But if I had delicately suggested DBT, maybe he would have done it to get his family back.  For one brief shining moment, he was really listening to me and trying to do what he had to do to make us a family again.

But I also know how trapped I would feel if his old behavior returned in a year or two if we got back together.

So I am not taking the risk.  I am continuing with the divorce.  I guess the reason I am posting here is, it's hard for me to completely detach.  We are almost at the end of the divorce.  He gets so sad sometimes and I start thinking, what if there's a way?

I can't have it both ways - I can't have him move in on a trial basis and see what happens.  He has made false claims before, and that just allows him to tell the cops I did things that I didn't do.  The risks are too high.

I wish there was a way to see into the future, into an alternate universe where I could know if there's a way to have him come back and not have any horrible things happen again.  Because the gentle side of him is nice.  Because the kids deserve a second parent in the home (if he could finally BE a parent).  Because a house with two parents works better (if they are both functioning).  Because good men are hard to find anyway.  It took me a long time to find him, and he suits me in some ways.

Because no matter what he has done to me, it's hard not to care about him and feel bad for him.  He is losing his young kids (except for visitation) and a woman who did everything I could for him.  He is losing everyting.  He isn't a cheater or substance abuser or anything.  But he does lie, and lies about the kids, and things I won't go into.  .

I just feel really bad sometimes and wonder if there was ever a chance that with lots of hard work, things could have been ok.  But   But even when I try these days to have a conversation with him, it ends up bad because he is so stressed.  There are always stressors though, even without divorce, and I spent a lot of time keeping him calm during our marriage.

Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts... .  

Getting angry emails from him today.  I am sad.

Hey momtara,

Could you use a  ?  People dont change over night, and as you know, if they are BPD the likely hood of effective change is years away.

There is NOTHING wrong with you saying ENOUGH and that you would like to pursue a life without him as your husband.  He is losing things, and it is sad for him.

Would he have lost those things if he treated you right?  Would you have ever treated him the way he has and is treating you?

There are no crystal balls or promises in life.  You have to go with your gut feelings and past experiences... .   What are they telling you?

 Laelle

Thanks. Yes, a hug would help.

I am just scared that one day I'll wonder if I did the right thing.

My gut tells me it's too risky to let him back in the house.  But part of me thinks it's always worth one more shot.  The problem is, even one shot is risky. 

For all the frustrating things he does, occasionally there is a sweet email that makes me feel really sad.

I know that BPD takes years to deal with - well, at least, I read that on the internet.  I am wondering if there are stories out there of people who dealt with it successfully, even in families with kids, and we're just not seeing them because they don't share their stories on the internet.  I don't want to make a choice based on the internet.

That said, I have talked to therapists and still can't quite take the risk on having him back.

I think in my mind, I believe maybe he'll get therapy for a few years and then we can take him back.  But that's a pretty unrealistic fantasy.  I know he wants that.  He keeps telling me he wants to come back some day.  In a lucid moment, he recently said he didn't know how long therapy will take, but he is trying and he loves me.

With a normal person, we could "date," spend a little time together to see how it goes, etc.  With him, it just leads to a new set of letdowns if I can't fully take him back.  So I can't really make overtures.  I have to do what's right for the kids.  I think leading him on just makes him more emotionally nutsy and that's bad for them.

I'm not wholly innocent in all this, because there were some red flags when we were dating, and I stuck with him.  But I just chalked it up to men being difficult sometimes, or maybe us needing to learn how to work as a couple.  I didn't know it could get this bad. 

I read a lot of stories from people whose exes would never even acknowledge any problem.  There was a time when he acknowledged everything.   One brief shining moment.  I wonder if I could have done more to keep that going.  But he has some culpability too.  His own therapist said that he recommended a psychiatrist for him, and he's not doing that. 

The thing is, even admitting his wrongs is a very big deal.  It's only the start of what someone like him has to do, but it's a big thing too.

It's too bad that there isn't any medication yet to treat this properly.

I know what you mean... . If there was a magic pill, I would be first in line.

From what your saying... . your making your decision based on the right reasons.  You are on the right path regardless of the outcome.

Keeping yourself in limbo land forever isnt healthy for you or your kids.  It is too risky to bet you and your kids on.

If he is really determined to be with you and the kids, and he really wants to work on it, nothing says that you can not divorce him and still be there for him.

Do you feel that by not divorcing him and giving him that second chance, he will work extra hard to make things right?  Do you think that if you do divorce him he will work just as hard to get you and the kids back?

I agree with you, fantasies of a brighter future are nice, but I wouldn't bet the farm on them.  You can still be there for him while protecting your own wants and needs as well.

DO NOT feel bad.  I'm dealing with similar attack emails today, and I know exactly how hard it is not to get sucked back in when the sweet emails start back up.  I tried the just being friends thing.  I even had that same talk about how if she went to therapy and figured out the root of why she behaved this way and got better, and assuming we were both still single and living in the same town, I would be open to the idea of giving it another try.  I stressed repeatedly that this would only be possible after YEARS of therapy, and that she should move on and date in the meantime.  Now that we're NC she's attacking me for toying with her heart and manipulating her, saying I kept her hanging on with my promises that we'd make it work someday.   They only hear what they want to hear, and anything you say can and will be used against you.   

"I even had that same talk about how if she went to therapy and figured out the root of why she behaved this way and got better, and assuming we were both still single and living in the same town, I would be open to the idea of giving it another try.  I stressed repeatedly that this would only be possible after YEARS of therapy, and that she should move on and date in the meantime."

Yes, yes, yes. 

I have to be realistic.  He is unlikely to change enough to ever come back. 

I have a little hope, because I did see what he was like when he recovered temporarily.  But I feel like that was the one chance, and it would have been hard to maintain.  Without him having a real incentive to stay healthy and positive toward me, he probably will go back into his downward spiral completely.