BPDFamily.com

Some nights are hard for me very hard. The thoughts swirling around endlessly until I finally take something which I don't like to do.

We are planning a fall trip and I thought I set up the weekend he would see his daughter ok (based on things he told me) but then found out she is busy that weekend and I can't change trip based on work schedules.  I am dreading telling H because he might cancel trip or just do things to make the trip miserable, like how dare I have fun with my kids if all he gets from his is one lunch instead of a weekend?

And this is after he spent a week with her last week alone. She lives 2 states away and only had him for first time this long because her husband is on work trip and she knows her dad has problems but didn't know what it was until a few days ago when I finally got the nerve to send long email to SD about BPD which was hard because we get along ok but never close. (She actually took it well and said it answered a lot of questions for her)

H has always had that adoration for her more than anyone, he did for me the early years of our marriage but when I didn't know what he had and starting arguing back with him over the years he now goes between telling me I am so beautiful one minute to calling me names the next. But with his D he has always held her in high regard, as if she is a mini-god.

Most of his worst episodes over the years happen after seeing her, not being able to see her etc. 

Before I knew what he had (and I am still guessing since he refuses counseling, just everything about him fits what I read and I am reading Stop Walking on Egg Shells now) I use to say things like you need to let go of her, let her grow up, its not healthy etc.  Now I am not sure how to react about his adoration of her or what to say. Mostly I say nothing. i only figured out this BPD thing a few months ago and we have been together 14 yrs and married 13.

It's only been the last few months SD has reached out to me on FB pm and sharing her frustration with her dad.  She wants him in counseling and on drugs like that is easy to do, hopefully she will take the time to read up on it like I told her to do. She is newly married (last Oct and after wedding H had major melt down from seeing ex and the whole wedding and threatened suicide, then on SD b'day in spring he called to say happy b'day then ended up being all depressed and about him) after that she wrote me in anger not knowing what he has but feeling like he was ruining the happy times in her life. She was used to him all her life adoring her, swallowing his anger and pain for her and spoiling her so this was very hard for her.

It's things like this and many more that give me bad sleep nights.  Normally I would go to guest room but I just cleaned it and got it ready for company in a few days and I work till then and didn't want to redo.

He sounds enmeshed with SD which is common.

SD is an adult now and she needs to learn some boundary setting etc and realize that she is not responsible for him and not able to fix him.

She is calling you to fix it and now you feel obligated - you are also not responsible for him nor can you fix him. This sense of obligation and guilt (SD) will cause you to ruminate and worry like mad.

My friend - you cannot make it OK for everyone. Can I recommend a really good book?

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better (https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/gary_lundberg.htm)

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG” (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

That sense of obligation was very reminiscent of my own childhood.