BPDFamily.com

So last week and into this week, I finally feel like I was able to get back on the horse.  I have begun regular exercise, work has been steady enough, I have two interviews that finally came through from all of the resumes I sent out, and the network that I am building for myself and the kids is beginning to pay off. 

Sunday, my ex came to pick the children up, and while she is falling apart physically and I still cannot trust that I can work with her, she was very nice.  The shocker, however, is that she now wants to go through the old photos--which she didn't want anything to do with when I was moving them--and take some with her.  I am at a point where I don't want to do this.  I would actually rather not ever see these photos again, especially with her present as it would trigger a lot of emotions in me.  After moving 4 times, the photos are finally put away in a place where I don't have to see them anymore, and I can't explain the pain that I feel everytime I see our wedding photos.  If she wants them, I am at a point where she can have them all if this spares me from having to look at them again.  The only reason that I saved the photos is so that our children can one day see a time where their parents were able to get along, a time when two young people who were in love saw nothing but happiness and potential in their relationship.  Whether she has them, or I have them doesn't really matter to me.  How have other's dealt with this?

Also, the reason that I feel that I am on the crazy train with her on this one, is it comes at a time when--and she can probably sense this--I have really decided to close my heart towards her.  There is honestly no way that I can ever love her again because of the ways that she has tried to hurt me.  Usually, when she senses that I am getting to a point where I can pull myself out of the dark abyss that her an I are in, she is nice enough to try and pull me back into it, and I feel that this may be part of an effort to pull me back in. 

Photos can indeed be a way to emotionally reconnect even if there is no change to reconcile.

You have your boundary - you don't want to - so how you communicate this to her is key.

When she asks again  - using SET or DEARMAN communication tools to clearly state your needs while validating her needs.

example:

I can understand that you may want to go through them, I am not in an emotional place for this, if you want to take them to go through them it is ok with me.

Take the photos you absolutely want your children to have access to some day, and have copies made of them.  Put the copies away, then let your ex go through the photos as she wishes.  You'll know you have copies that won't be destroyed.  She could be fine looking at the photos today, then destroy them tomorrow.

I agree that your children should have the photos some day.  I did the same for my son.

I suppose I am realizing that I will never really quite be over her, and that especially right now--as I am trying to put the pieces of my life back together during a summer that has ended up being very lonely--I just don't want to deal with the emotional turmoil of going through our wedding photos.  It think it's probably best that I go with the communication techniques so that I can avoid having to look through the photos again while allowing her to look through them to her hearts content.  I don't think that she'll destroy them, in fact they might be better with her right now.  I think she's pushed me to a point where I have to be very careful about doing anything that would remind me about our past, and so not having any of these photos in the house would actually not be a bad thing for me.