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Looking back it seems like I was stuck in a massive spider's web, because no matter where I turned, there was something sticky and gross that I couldn't quite become untangled from.  There were conversations that left me baffled and at a loss for words.  There were actions without meaning and without regard to consequence.  There was cruelty and punishment for crimes never committed and harsh sentences were handed down without mercy.  I tried so hard to make sense of it all and in the end my efforts were rewarded with detachment and indifference.

I am haunted by the echoes of this relationship; his madness clings to me like smoke.  I still have nightmares about the darkness surrounding him as he screamed at me in his mother's voice and I still see his eyes flashing with hatred as he struggled to control his rage. 

I meditate and heal all the while wishing for a cleanse that will wash the wounded part of my soul. I struggle with believing there was nothing I could have done to save him. 

I struggle with believing I have sufficiently saved myself.

Thanks for letting me express this.

tailspin

Oh tailspin, that sounds like a nightmare you are describing. Where are you now? Living together or separated? I know the feeling of wanting to save him, he seemed so helpless without me. How are you dealing with that? I know I had to let that go before I could truly focus on myself and what I needed.   

Tailspin, thank you for expressing this.  It's very honest and deeply felt.  My experience reading your other posts has been that you are very strong and resilient and wise.  I hear that you feel haunted, too, and I can definitely understand that.  We are complex beings and life is so astonishing sometimes.

I'm sorry that you had to go through so much hurt.  Big    of support to you.

heart

Cumulus and heartandwhole  :)

Thank you both for your kind words.  I try to be strong and supportive of those whose suffering I recognize to be deep and true, and I try to help illuminate a path for them, or at least empower them to believe in themselves again.

In doing so, I'm often reminded of how deep and terrible my own pain was.  Sometimes I need to come back to the taking personal inventory board so I can validate myself and acknowledge the thoughts I still need to express.  Having support from you helps me to do this.  Thank you.

My goal is to one day also leave these dark memories behind.

tailspin

Out of personal suffering the wise gain insight and compassion for others. Stay strong tailspin, leave the memories but take the lessons from the memories with you. That is how you are able to be supportive of others. Way to go.

There was a painful period that felt sticky and hellish, like a spiders web. I began to fear I would never NOT feel that way again, I had nightmares and would wake up soaked in sweat; it was truly dark night of the soul stuff. God these relationships really are the catalyst so often for having a spiritual emergency. The good news is, I do not feel that way any longer. When in hell... . keep walking.

So true, so true.

Tailspin, this is deep deep spiritual stuff, as MaybeSo has pointed out.

To make a long story short, my Dad had schizophrenia, Mom uBPD.  In one of my dad's episodes he alerted me to the fact that I would experience the Dark Night of the Soul.  I blew it off as crazy talk while blindly following my mother's lead for years and years.  Married/divorced a guy with true narcissistic tendencies, but even that didn't spark the dark night... .

It took falling for a borderline to wake me up!  Holy moly, talk about a powerful experience!  Shook me right to the core and forced me to face myself.  My entire way of being in the world (my reality) laid before me, behind me, around me as I stood beside myself.  :)izzying.

Have you done any 'inner child' work?


Keep on truckin', Tailspin  ... .  

Our journey isn't over until it is, and maybe we'll leave a few footprints, as my Dad has... .  

MaybeSo and Phoebe123... . such wise minds and kind hearts.  Thank you for sharing your similarities and for helping me to accept what I feel by not feeling so alone.  Cumulus, thank you for the encouragement and loving support.

Yes, I've done inner child work Phoebe, and I believe my original post to be some of this work.  I don't know if I'm overly empathetic... . but when I saw this happen to him I also felt what was happening to him; it imprinted me to a degree.  As strange as it sounds, knowing what he felt has helped me to connect with people here by helping them to make some sense of the chaos.  The dark night of my soul perspective is brilliant and speaks to the duality of the human condition.  I know my spirituality is also my inner child; the divine light allowing me safe passage out of the darkness. 

tailspin

tailspin,

your initial post made me cry. you have a way with words and you described exactly how i feel. you are incredibly strong and your posts have helped me so much.

i carry many of the words you have written on this board with me as i go through my day to give me strength.  i am only at the beginning of my journey... . but thank you. 

Bananas  

You have made it all worth it.  Everything.  I would do it all again just to give 1 person the strength I have somehow managed to give you.  Isn't life beautiful.

tailspin  

I think I am not alone, you have helped many.  Yes, life is beautiful! And it is sometimes brutal!  But today I am choosing beautiful.  Thank you, and others here for helping me be able to do that.  Posting takes time and effort, sharing with others and being so open... . it is much appreciated.