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I know i am not suppose to be stuck in the victim space or frame of mind. I am diligently and legally attempting to stop all forms of contact from my ex. He has changed numbers I have blocked. I could change my number again. My reason for not doing so is genuinely knowing he will come to find me if he cant contact me. I have not answered, replied, given any type of response to him in over two weeks.

He has gone from a loving goodbye at that time to blaming me, hating me, saying he is sick as in has an illness, to desperate messages begging me to contact him it is important, to rude comments and pictures of his gf with text insinuating they had just been intimate etc. telling me he hates me and calling me a wh*re. There is more. I cant even bring myself to post about it.

This just plain hurts. I have tried to shift the focus from victim  back to to my own accountability for months. I have been on a road to self discovery. Let me say this, right dog gone now, I am a wreck. I am being victimized. Period.

I dont know about the rest of you, but I trusted this man. I believed his lies until I knew better. By that time, I had given him enough ammunition to kill me graveyard dead. Well, he is systematically trying to. I am scared all the time. Waiting for court hearings. Not knowing if my home is being watched or heaven forbid sabotaged. And there is nothing I can do about this. I am going every route legally to protect myself. This is ridiculous! he is sick! 

Whats worse is I truly believed him. I loved this man. ( i use the past tense here, but i dont know what i feel right now except, fear, sadness, anger, everything at once). I was so hooked. Completely blind. he chipped away at my boundaries. Told me I could be free to be with him. We were in love and that was how it was suppose to be. Intoxicating. He told me how beautiful I  was all the time. How he wished so often " you could see you through my eyes".  (red flag) Laughed and talked for hours and did so much together. Showered me with love and affection. And yes the sex was wonderful.  All the poetry and romance. I believed him. I felt the same way about him. Thought and told him how fantastic he was. how talented, beautiful. All the words... . WORDS! UGH! Theres that lie that keeps us stuck! Heartbreaking!

Here I am a sitting duck. That is how I feel. He is dogging me and it is only going to get worse. I set myself up for this and now I have to deal with the fall out of my decisions. All because I believed and loved this man. This hurts. Really hurts.

I know i should be focusing on my part in this and the why of my decisions. I know. I know i am suppose to take back my control. I know. I just need to hear that I am not alone when I say THIS SUCKS! I am heartbroken. I feel deceived and cheated. In so many ways. Did I make mistakes? YES! I have owned them. I dont deserve this. I dont.

That is my rant for now. I just had to get this out. I am standing my ground as the blackmail and barrage of threats and meanness flow. I will have no contact with him unless through a lawyer or the courts. Please send positive thoughts my direction. 

Do you know who his new girlfriend is? If you, do maybe she should see some of the material you're getting. After that, badgering you won't seem as fun and empowering any more.

Your not alone. IT SUCKS! And its insane! Our crime? Well it was simply to love them and do the best we could.

Obi

Are you in fear of physical as well as psychological danger?  Your ex's behavior may be on the legal edge of stalking.  You may need a restraining order to get the point across that you are done with the relationship.  Talk to your lawyer.

I would not share anything with his new girlfriend.  Stay completely away from her.  Let her learn what he is made of the hard way. To confront her will only enrage both of them which could lead to serious consequences.

Your pain is evident.  You loved this man who (if BPD) is not capable of sustaining  love   You may want to talk to a therapist who is familiar with BPD who can explain the disorder and offer the kind of support you need.  Obi, you deserve better.

It will take time to get past what he has done to you, and you need to be careful not to get sucked back into the BPD whirlwind.  He is already trying to manipulate you.   You will heal and move forward with your life once you are able to let the past go.

Remember: people will only do to us what we ALLOW them to do.  At this point in time, you are doing exactly the right thing ... . protecting yourself from further  injury.  BPD is a devastating mental disorder that affects the brain, and you are correct in stating that your ex is "sick".  

I do not know how much you know about BPD but there are lots of wonderful materials on this website to help you.  I hope you can take the time to review them.  Of course, we are all here to help you as well.  No question is insignificant, and you are NOT alone in your battle.  You have us.

I am sorry you are going through this but am glad you found BPD Family.  There is comfort and safety here.  Welcome.

Lockedout, yes I do know who she is.  I could be a royal pain for him and her if I chose too. i choose to not be that way. He is in so much trouble as it is. He can destroy himself with no help from me. He needs her income. He needs her for transportation. I know where she is in this r/s with him at the moment. She is so high on love right now there is nothing I could say or do to thwart them. He is just that good at his game. Yes, I believe it is a game to him. He admitted a few times in the end how he uses people to get what he needs. Its just sad to me.

OBI, Thank you for the reply. It is good to know I am not the only one. I feel awful. Without a doubt the hardest time emotionally of my life at this point.

Momma,

I am in fear of physical danger. He has not at this point ever physically harmed me but he has a history of violence in his past r/s. He has gotten aggressive and thrown things etc in my presence. He has also threatened me with violence as well as my family. I do have things in motion legally for protection. He is blackmailing me. He is using every dirty trick imaginable to cause me embarrassment and harm. He knows everything about me. My family and my life, my emotions, my beliefs, my fears, weaknesses, he has it all at the ready and is not hesitating to use it to hurt me. We have been in each others lives for a very long time. i believed he was trustworthy based on what I knew of him. Turns out, all he ever said to me was a lie. It has shaken me to my core. pun intended. thank you for the post and support. I am glad to know I have the wonderful people here for insight and support

I truly believed my ex because I wanted to – my life depended on it. I have all kinds of niggling feelings of doubt about him, his honesty, his integrity and even would go far as to say I didn’t even respect him – yet – I pushed all those gut feelings aside because I so needed him to need me.

You are choosing to personalize his illness.  Consider posting on the Legal Board regarding the court stuff - you will gain good solid non-biased advice there. Lamenting at this stage about your ex while you are in the midst of court stuff will not help.

Clearmind, Thank you for your reply as well

I am not sure how to not personalize what he is doing at this point. He has told me he knows he is troubled. he has told me he does it deliberately to hurt me. He has blatantly told me he is going" to turn me inside out and whats left rip me apart. "that is very personal. Is he ill? YES! Is he aware? YES! Did he choose to not pursue treatment? YES! And admitted so! I have done my best to not take it personal. At this point, it is personal. This is my life. my livelihood. He is laughing about his actions toward me with his friends. I have been told so. I know I have a long way to go to get the help and healing I need. I know I have a lot of problems and perceptions that need work. Please help me understand how to not personalize this.

Also, I will check the legal board for advice. i appreciate your help. I have found such insight and comfort on these boards. I assure you, I am a sponge right now. I am willing and open to learn and implement any and all informations given to me. I just want to be well. To actually have a chance to move forward and pursue my life and find happiness inside.

You have gone thru this and are further along. I know I cant see as much of this from the inside. i do value the direction you offer.

Clover, its tough - honestly it really is. He probably does know he is trouble and I am not making excuses for him and nor can we change his behavior and accusations. We can however change our perception of it and how and to what level we allow it to affect us.

I am sorry you are hurting - follow the legal avenue clover and certainly post on the Legal Board because right now you some centered advice not fuelled with emotion. I am not denouncing how you feel I am suggesting that balanced advice, removed of emotion will help you make the best decisions to protect you. Make sense?

yes clearmind, you make perfect sense about making decisions not based on emotion. that has been what I have been trying so hard to do.  It may not appear so, but know I have very carefully couseled my T, lawyers, friends, pastor, before doing anything. I have so much at stake here. My children mean the world to me. Their needs, safety, well being, care, well everything is priority one. I havent rushed to legal means. I am still being very cautious because I am aware he is very unstable. As upset as I am, I do care for him. I will defintiely read the legal board and get some advice. thank you clearmind. You are very helpful.

Thank you MammaMia,

My ex was abusive and that relationship is over on both ends. Once she's out of my house I'm changing the locks, alarm security code, and going NC. She's moving an hour away so hopefully if she does get it in her head to do something she'll have a bit of time to cool down. She told me the other day that she already has guys asking her on dates. I think she ment to hurt me but I was thinking excelent. My replacement poor guy who ever that may be, will hopefully be enough to get her attention off me.

I pretty much warned anyone concerned that they might be hearing some things from her and asked that they at least hear my side of things. It kinda took her sting out when anyone she tried to talk to already knew what she was going to say.

Obi and Clover

oops, I think I got the two of you confused.  I apologize.  I hope you figured it out.

I don't think you need to confront her. The mere threat to him may encourage him to find other ways to cause trouble. Bullies don't like to be exposed for who they are - that's why they pounce on their victims in secret. The idea that his new squeeze may find out that he's not as beyond reproach as she thinks, he may reconsider the next nasty e-mail, blackmail, or threat.

Lockedout

I have considered outing him so often. It wouldnt change a thing. I have to concentrate on keeping me and my family safe and away from him. In another post it was said that our mind knows but our heart is playing catch up. Well, I consider that statement a common theme in these r/s.

The true point of this post was for me to just get out some icky feelings of this pain and hurt. I am hurting. I have so much responsibility on me everyday that requires my constant focus and I have to push down so much of this pain. When I actually allow myself to grieve for what i believed was my future and my life with a man I thought was my best friend, lover and partner, It really hits me hard.

I am trying to walk my way thru the pain and feel what I need to when I need to. This may take more time for me from the simple fact that really do not HAVE the time to actually feel it. i have no breaks. It is overwhelming at times.

The daily messages from this man do not make it easier. I am deleting them as they come because i know the common theme. But not reading them isnt a comfort. I know they are threats, hateful messages, blaming me. I am trying to not hold onto the blame and guilt.  Its about perception like clearmind pointed out. If I perceive that there is truth in it, it will hurt more.It becomes  my inner truth. If I allow it. If I perceive it is ingrained survival of a damaged person, I can  separate from the hurtful words and not allow the pain to come. Here's the rub... . I have to change my perceptions. I have to believe that I am not the sole blame. I have to change my response and not allow it to get into my mind and heart and cause me further pain. ( Thats the head talking, my heart is still playing catch up here too.)

I truly believe this site is a God send for me. I appreciate the support and help offered here. I am struggling today. Heck I am just struggling if I am being honest.

Clover,

You are being victimized, stalked, terrorized and emotionally abused; you have every right to feel the very real fear, pain and anger you're experiencing right now. 

Now you need a plan.  A plan will remove you from the helplessness you're feeling right now.  A plan will change your victim status into that of a warrior princess.

You can and will get through this.  Priority number 1 is you and your safety; please don't compromise on this.  Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe even if it means blocking him from calling/texting while staying with a friend and getting a restraining order to keep him away from you. 

It's difficult to process pain when we are in danger.  Take care of you.

tailspin

Clover

You need to keep enough documentation to prove he is harassing and stalking you.  I hope you are doing this and that your attorney is aware it is continuing.

I do have somewhat of a plan in place. unfortunately there is only so much I can do. I am documenting EVERYTHING and have for some time. there is only so much protection a piece of paper can offer me. I am prepared though. As much as i can be.

I opened the last message he sent today. Curiosity just got the best of me. i have been saving them to a folder and leaving the unopened for the last couple days. This time, he wrote how he was a fool for ever loving me. He was ashamed to say he ever did. How I was shallow and empty inside. That I used others for my own needs.manipulated everyone... . and on and on. He was projecting.

This is being painted black. In the worst possible way.

Wow, what this has done to my view of the world. the way I see people and hear conversations. its like i am really listening now. Maybe as a result of trying to understand this, or myself, but either way, i really dont let much get by me now. Is this a good thing? I think so.

thanks again for the concern and replies. i am trying to be strong.

It's a great thing clover - you are awake - when we listen we are aware how things impact us and we can set boundaries or enact a plan if need be.

Clover


Yes he was.  Projecting.  Very much so.  While you are his target, this has nothing to do with you.   Refuse to let it in.



Reframe your thoughts.   Use positive self talk, guided imagery, mental theater, whatever you want to call it to take yourself to a different place.

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137440.0)

Cancer survivors, people in the military, people who jump out of planes, use positive self talk to allow them to face what they face.   Might work for you too.

be well

babyducks

clearmind,   Yes  I am awake. Very awake. Like my senses are on super charge. I realize I am in fight or flight with the adrenaline going on now as well. That said, my heightened senses , awareness, will not leave me anytime soon.

babyducks,

Thank you for the link and the advice. I really need it. It has been a trying time this last 24 hours.

Update:  more hateful words, then a rejected call, followed by a bang on the window at the dark hours of morning. Then a message saying there was something outside for me.

A box of items he had . He destoyed  most of the things. Cut up pictures. One of me pregnant where he cut out my stomach area of the photo. Other crossed out my eyes only. Some other items that were significant for us he included but wrote on them with black marker or cut them up.  I am shaken but i am ok. I am protecting myself as much as I can.

Please send prayers to me and my family. Again, I thank you all for the support and kindness.   

What exactly do you have set up legally for protection?

Wanttoknow, I have a protective order. He hasnt yet been served. Also, two criminal cases being organized to file formal charges as the evidence is compiled against him. One for terroristic threatening of my family. The other is extortion for blackmailing me. There is a civil case concerning D as well. It is complicated. I found out he may have another warrant out on him for not paying court fines from a past violation.

I was hesitant to get the order but it is obvious I need it. I am just very aware that it is a piece of paper. They arent going to post an officer outside my home or be my personal body guard. This is very stressful and scary. But I am trying to be strong.

I moved this thread to our Family Law board, as it sounds like you need some solid advice based upon what happened last night.

Have you called the police regarding what you found outside your house?

I havent called the police. I know I should but, i just figured it would be added to evidence in the terroristic threatening and protective order once he gets served and wet set the court date.It is pending for two weeks but who knows. There are no staking laws here and the domestic violence laws are very lacking. I am learning as I go. I doubt some destroyed pictures and ripped clothing wont matter much. This is so scary and confusing. 

Clover,

Wow, you're going through a lot!  Glad you're getting good support here - I see lots of good ideas from everybody - and I hope maybe you are getting some support in real life too... . ?

Some thoughts - maybe repeating what other have said a little... .

First, about "moving on", "seeing your own part in this", etc. - that's important but there will be time for that.  I remember when I first revealed to family and friends what I had put up with - my wife had been violent, made false accusations, etc. - some of the feedback I got was, "Well you know this is all the result of choices you made", which was true, but not particularly helpful at that time.  I think it's OK to set that stuff aside and focus right now on your safety first, and on legal action as you are doing.

Damaging your persona property - pictures, clothes, etc. - I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I think that can sometimes be a sign of worse stuff to come.  Some people with serious mental illnesses start with property damage, especially intimate items, and then later move on to worse and creepier stuff.  So I would not take that lightly - disclose it immediately to the police, or if you can find a domestic violence advocate you feel good about, or whoever can deal with it.

It may even be a crime, and that might give the police an opportunity to put him in jail for a short time, to get this stuff sorted out.  Sometimes they can act fast on a relatively small crime, like property damage, and then while he's in jail you can see about keeping him there, or getting a really strong protective order in place.

If there are any other crimes you can prove - even small ones - ask the police to arrest him and hold him - you might be able to talk to the judge in the case and ask that there be no bond set, so he can't get out til all this stuff is worked through;  that is, maybe you can say to the judge, "This is the tip of the iceberg - he is doing very serious stuff and making threats - so he should not be let out til all the serious stuff can be prosecuted."  Make it clear that you are afraid - don't be shy about saying it just that way - "I am afraid he may hurt me." - and that will hold the judge's feet to the fire.  She won't want to be responsible for letting someone dangerous go free.

Where I live, there are domestic violence resources available.  You don't need to accuse him of anything he hasn't done, just share what you told us here, and I think they will have legal advice and practical advice, like maybe some security stuff you can get at the hardware store - intruder alert or whatever.  (I've never done that but I've heard they're pretty cheap and good now.)

If you think you may have face-to-face encounters with him, consider audio-recording - legal in some states but not in others.  It could be powerful evidence.  Video would be even better but it may be hard to do, and it's not legal in as many states.  You can probably find out your state's laws online.

Have you made a trip to the courthouse?  You may find people there who can't give you "legal advice" but can tell you what options you have.  And there may be free legal aid available there too - ask lots of questions.

I think your information is pretty safe here, so you can share whatever you feel good sharing, so long as you don't include any specific information like names, and don't leave your computer where someone can get into it.  Sign out of this site every time you come here, if there is a chance someone may look at it.  When you take those simple precautions I don't think anyone will know what you post here.  But you can still decide for yourself what you prefer to share.

One more thought - "victim mentality" - it's a big subject here but please don't worry about it right now.  We certainly want to help each other avoid getting caught in a victim mentality long-term, but right now you are under attack and it's totally rational to feel victimized - you're just recognizing reality.  Get yourself safe first, and do whatever you can to hold this guy accountable for his behavior, and then when you're safe there will plenty of time to work on all the stuff that comes from these abusive relationships - getting your act together, learning good lessons from it, etc.  What we all need to keep working on, but you can't figure all that out while you are at risk.

Best wishes,

Matt

thank you for you advice and support Matt. At the moment I am afraid to even take him to court. He is so unstable. I know he will get out eventually and he needs more than just jail time. he needs serious intervention. I had no idea he was so troubled. He was completely different until we got serious and I moved in. It has gone to pieces since. i did some pretty awful things in anger before, but never threatening him harm or destroying his property. The personal items I got back were actually some things he bought for me that i had left per his request. Also some little items. It was the photos of me that really scared me. i understand maybe removing me from a photo or even marking up the photo. It was the cutting out of my stomach in the photo and specifically crossing out my eyes that I found creepy. My stomach hurts to think it. He did rip the sweater apart. I am just so overwhelmed with all of this. Just two weeks ago, he wished me all the wonderful things the world had to offer. He said goodbye. I thought he was done. i was very wrong. I am trying to stay calm but I am seriously a mess. 

I have gotten information from one of my attorneys about domestic violence. This has all started coming apart since i went NC with him. He had threatened a few things in the past but it was always in the throws of a rage and he would quickly flip back to apologizing. Not so much now. i will check the courthouse for information and talk to a domestic violence counselor. He has never laid a hand on me.  He does have a history of violence in his past relationship. I left before I experienced physical violence. the emotional abuse was horrible though. I saw him becoming more and more aggressive with each episode. I was genuinely scared. But once I was moved out and we continued the r/s kinda long distance I guess. He is in a different town. The verbal abuse and emotional abuse was really bad though. In hind sight, I should have stopped things sooner but I hung on then decided i should try to save him. He needed help. We all know how that ends.

Since i quit responding to his messages and blocked his calls, he has gone  in a very bad direction. I realize he is feeling very abandoned. Not only did I leave him and stay gone, I am now no longer accepting his calls and messages. I refuse to engage. The conversations have gone from bad to worse over the last 6 months. I had to stop the pain. For both of us. I realized thru reading much I was triggering his rages. I am the source of his pain too. It tears at my heart that I have hurt him this way.  i had no idea he had any problems like these. Once I realized what was the probable cause of his behaviors i began searching for what to do. I feel horrible.

I have come to realize I can do nothing to save or help him. he has to get help on his own. I have to get help on my own. At the moment, all I can focus on is safety. I am truly scared. I never dreamed I would ever feel afraid of this man. He was the gentlest, kindest man to me, until ... . He wasnt.

Thank you for your genuine concern. I will take the advice and get some more help and information locally.

Let's just focus for a minute on the pictures he cut up.  That is serious and could be a big warning sign.

I want to suggest that you take the stuff he damaged, focusing mostly on those photographs, to the police right now, and just tell them what happened.  Keep the focus on the psychology of the matter - not that you or I are psychologists who can figure it all out, but what you said - "It was the cutting out of my stomach in the photo and specifically crossing out my eyes that I found creepy." - as a layman, I think you're right on target with that.

Your stomach is telling you something.  Gavin de Becker's books - he's an expert in helping people learn how to protect themselves and their families from stalkers, kidnappers, etc. - show that in these matters our gut is usually right - when you have a creepy feeling (Spider-sense) about someone or a situation, that is probably your brain telling you something that you don't fully understand yet, but it's accurate.  "This situation isn't safe" - maybe you can't say exactly why, but your brain is putting all the clues together and reaching a wise conclusion.  Or "This person is creepy" - if you feel like that around somebody, it could be your brain noticing a bunch of subtle clues and talking to you through your gut.

So long story short, your gut is telling you to be careful, and you have some very clear evidence - the pictures, sweater, etc. - that you can show, and a competent person with some experience in these matters will draw the right conclusions - you need to be protected from this guy, right now, not whenever they get around to it.

Take that stuff and anything else that is dramatic and clear, and show the police, and don't leave til they tell you how they are going to deal with it, and you feel OK about that.

Do not hesitate to put him behind bars if he has broken the law.  When he is in jail you can work with the police and the courts to make sure he is not released til there is a very clear plan so you will be safe.  For example, he might be released into another county, and told not to come to your county.  Or there might be a court order that he can't have any contact with you at all, even through a third party.  There are solutions if you make it very clear you are in danger and you need to be protected from this guy.

Here's the book I was referring to:

www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374781964&sr=8-1&keywords=gavin+de+becker

I notice it's available in a cheap Kindle edition, which you can read on your computer - you don't need to buy a Kindle.  That way you could get it today - it's a very compelling book - kind of scary but very practical information.

Thank you Matt.

I am so scared. He didnt just haphazardly cut that photo. That was deliberate and took time and effort. As did the sweater, etc. I am afraid of him. I wish I could move to a different town and just get off his radar completely. I have no way to do it. I cant just uproot my kids. I will take the advice. I am praying they will keep him away. I doubt they can though and I fear more retribution from him for taking action. As I have said, the domestic violence laws here are not that great. The lack of stalking laws is bothersome too.

I will check out the book and take notes. Thank you again for all the information and for encouraging me. I do appreciate it.

hi clover,

Matt gave some excellent advice -- I second Gavin de Becker's book Gift of Fear. For people who don't live with high levels of fear, it can seem like a scary book, but if you're going through something like you are, I think it might be comforting. Like Matt mentioned, your first priority is safety for yourself, so let those instincts work for you.

I'm glad you understand that the PO is only a piece of paper. There is a chapter in Gift of Fear about POs, and you are right to think that getting one can destabilize him even more.

de Becker also has a tool he created to help predict violence: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

There is also a concept here that people talk about called "extinction bursts" -- it sounds like your ex might be experiencing one right now in the NC period. It's particularly important that you do not communicate with him right now, or give him any signs that his actions are affecting you.

Do you have a T right now? It's really good you have these boards right now, but you may also need to see a T -- and one who validates the level of fear you're experiencing right now.

livednlearned, Yes i have a T. i have been going for a few months now. She knows I am afraid but seems to thi family, that he is all talk. She also suggested getting the order. I honestly do not see any good that would come from it. i know it would set him off further. I  am angry right now. I just checked his gf fb page. He has been at a carnival with her and the kids like nothing is wrong. Laughing, all smiles. While i am locked away terrified and sick. I cant begin to tell you how I feel right now. i am glad I checked though. He is really very ill. To be able to do such horrible things then turn it off and laugh and play like he did nothing wrong? This is so upsetting. This is mental illness, right?

I'm not a psychologist, and nobody here can diagnose somebody second-hand.

But yeah, either he's mentally ill, or you're a very talented story-teller.

The professionals usually don't talk about "mental illness" anymore, because there is so much that is technically "mental illness" that it leads to the conclusion that almost everybody is mentally ill.  If you're a recovering alcoholic, and haven't had a drink in 20 years, technically you still have a "mental illness".  Or if (like me), you struggle with depression, but you are managing it and you're 100% functional, somebody could call that "mental illness".  It's not useful to talk in those terms.

Somebody like your husband certainly sounds like he has a serious problem and isn't getting the treatment he needs.  You can only assume that his behavior will continue or get worse, and protect yourself.

Matt has given great solid advice and its important not to sugar coat (protect him) this recent event. No doubt it feels uncomfortable telling the police however you are in charge of protecting you.

Labels aside this has made you feel fearful.

Matt,

No I am not a very good story teller. Actually I am a science mind. chemistry and math. Weird but true. I understand the labels aren't helpful. and I can commiserate. I too am functioning, with depression and anxiety for years now. He is sick.

Clearmind,

As always you have sound advice as well. I am heeding this. I am not going to protect him. I AM GOING TO PROTECT MYSELF AND MY FAMILY. Period. With every means available to me within the law. I will stand my ground and he will not hurt me or my kids again. I am angry and I am channeling that anger toward the greater good.


Disordered or not, he does not have the right to terrorize me and my family knowingly. And yes he knows what he is doing. After seeing those pictures and knowing how scared I have been and kept my children from playing out in the yard or going to a park or even opening a window! OH NO HE CANT! Seeing him out and playing and laughing. That was the last straw. I am done. I have the right to be safe and healthy and happy. Right now, He is a danger to me. I wont sit idle while he goes off laughing as I shake and cry.

edited to add, No Matt by the Grace of God, I am not married to him. It has turned out to be a double edged sword though. As far as domestic violence is concerned I have fewer rights but it is better because I dont have to deal with the legalities of ending a marriage.

I want to thank you all for the help. Everyone here has been so very helpful. I am both grateful and humbled by the support.

Yeah, I get it - there's a big difference between someone (like you and me and probably most here) who are dealing with difficult stuff and sometimes struggle, and someone who reaches out to hurt others.  I have room for lots of the former in my life, but for none of the latter.

(And hey me too - I'm a science nerd in Real Life!)

My advice is that you go and file for the Restraining Order/Order for Protection/No Contact Order, whatever it is called in your state. Once it is in place if he so much as calls you, texts you, emails you, he will be in violation of the law and all you need to do then is report the violation to the police and he will be arrested.

I would also suggest that you arm yourself. A piece of paper will not keep you safe if he shows up at your home unexpectedly and the time it takes for the police to respond is plenty of time for him to harm you or your children.

Matt,  It is nice to meet a fellow Science geek! If ony BPD were as easy to solve as a derivation or integration... . LOL!

Papa,

I am working on it. I am no stranger to the legal use of a firearm. I was taught to respect them and know how to use them from an early age. I appreciate that now more than I ever could just a few short years ago. I know better than to think he is done. As a matter of fact, I just got another call. blocked of course but it shows up. my heart is pounding still.

While I agree about the order etc, I am really afraid to add fuel to the flame. As it turns out, he may have a warrant out now. He is classic BPD and feels he is above the law. He lost his license over three years ago now. His last bout with being stopped and fined for driving without a license, he never paid his fines. i know that doesnt go without a judge issuing a bench warrant. I also know he is driving without a license now. When he gets served with the po, they will arrest him for the unpaid fines. They are just having trouble tracking him down. Time will tell.

thank you for your input and concern. I appreciate the encouraging words more than anything. It gives me strength.

Clover

There is nothing good that will come from checking your ex's gf's facebook.   Why torture yourself?  Let it go.  Stop beating yourself up... . Whatever happened between the two of you is in the past.  Regardless of what he believes you did, he has no right to continue to stalk and threaten you.  Your T should be ashamed.  I would consider looking for a new one.

Threatening your life is a terroristic threat... . a felony.  Take all the good advice here and go to the police and INSIST they listen and take the situation seriously.  Do not let them tell you they can't do anything until he tries to harm you.  That would be a huge mistake.

Your children need you.  Be proactive.

Just going to add again that I think you need to read Gift of Fear about the protection order, and then talk to a T who understands Axis II Cluster B personality disorders.

Your instincts about a PO triggering worse violence is worth listening to. I think you need someone trained in this particular kind of thing to help you figure out what to do. When my ex refused to return my son (thought he was going to kill S12 and then himself), I talked to my T, who helped walk me through the psychology of my ex. I won't go into the details, but eventually N/BPDx said he was coming to my house my S12 and I wasn't sure whether to have police there, or a male friend. My T was certain N/BPDx had too much narcissism to do anything while neighbors were out, and I live in a townhome, so everyone is close, and people are always out. No one here can tell you whether your ex is going to become violent, but a therapist can help you work through the patterns to see if your ex bluffs. You need someone who is less flooded in emotion to help you piece together his behavior.

Not saying you shouldn't get a PO, just that there is more to it, and de Becker is a good place to start figuring out what's best for you.

Mamma,

You are correct. Checking her page was hurtful, but it also gave me a big reality check. I do not feel sorry for him anymore. I may get there again sometime down the road, but as for now, I am angry. Not in a jealous way mind you. I am angry that he can terrorize me and my family and walk off as if nothing happened. As I said, I will not sit idly by while he does this. I am being proactive and yes, he will be held accountable for his actions. I am doing all I can within my rights and the law to handle this.

And I have questioned my therapist too. she has helped me much with issues in the past but I believe this is beyond her specialties. She does more clinical work, in my opinion. I am trying to find a T who specializes in DBT as well as BPD/NPD.  I know my issues of attaching to a man like my ex is more about my issues than his could ever be.

For the time being I am maintaining focus on safety and my family. In doing so, I will use any means to track his movements in order to stay safe. If that means I see her page and the happy couple, so be it. My safety and my childrens safety is priority one.

As I posted before, a PO is a piece of paper. He has to be found to be served. Even then it wont put him behind bars. The last time I checked, I didnt have an officer outside my home or a personal body guard. It is on me to take care of me and mine.  I have to utilize what I have access to  in order to make that happen.

Thank you for the encouragement. I gain strength when I come here. I know I am not alone and that this is a real problem that others have encountered. As hard as this is, it is a little easier when I can hear from those with experience in these r/s's .

Sure sounds like my ex in the last year we were together.  (And many disordered people described here.)  However, since her behavior was focused on me, me being the adult and not the child, court largely ignored it.  I've concluded that court gives primary focus to parneting behaviors and little if any attention to the adult behaviors.  In my case we've been in and out of court since 2005 without her ever being diagnosed with a disorder.  Yet over time the court has taken consistent baby steps to back her off the temporary custody and temporary majority time she started with.  Family court and the other professionals involved don't see the impact, the need and the urgency as we do, we who have lived it.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Foreverdad,

The court is what scares me the most. He has no legal rights to D at this point. We were never married. He wasnt at her birth. Never signed the birth certificate. Legally, he has no ground unless or until he pursues it. He has never given me a dime for her care or ever pursued visitation of her. His focus has always been on me. In hindsight, seducing me, and using me for what he needed, or wanting me to " move back home". I am focused on safety right now. I dont know what to do about the PO. i am fearful he will retaliate more if I take him to court. I am thinking I should wait this out and not take him to court. Then again, I dont want to not have a legal leg to stand on. If the judge grants the order long term. It could help with custody issues in the future should he pursue it. Im really at odds with what to do.

Thanks for the clarification.  Clearly I wasn't aware of the background of your current troubles.


This concerns me.  This is unbalanced thinking and indicates a higher risk of danger.  He's not just messed up, he's twisted and possibly dangerous.  Him crossing out your eyes is an attack on you, but cutting out your belly in a pregnant photo could be seen as an attack on your child also.  Don't just save these as documentation, they might help you if he later seeks any form of parental contact or parenting.  I think a professional needs to see them so he won't later claim you tampered with them yourself to justify later claims, allegations, etc.

Clover

What is your attorney doing about the situation?  What legal advice are you getting with regard to your safety?

If your attorney recommends you get a PO -- because it is strategically helpful to you -- then do it. And then take every measure possible to protect yourself. Especially after you have the PO served, or when you leave or enter the court house.

Talk to law enforcement about the pictures, if you need, and get as much information as possible about what you can do to protect yourself and your child.

It's actually a good thing that he has a gf. Take that as a positive.

I havent spoken to my attorney about the latest issue. He advised to get the PO. but referred me to another attorney for family law to address the situation at hand and possible custody issues.  I had to reschedule the appointment with her because she had court to attend at the time of our appt.This is all happening at warp speed seems like. Since I told him I no longer wanted the relationship it had gone from bad to worse.

I had not even considered him saying I had tampered with the photos etc. I should get it documented. I am going to contact the police and have them come out here. There is also his boot print outside my bedroom window. He hit the window the morning he left the box outside. Maybe they can take a picture of that to prove I am not lying about how that happened. I also got almost 15 of the same message after he left it saying it was outside. Over and over for about an hour after the knock on the window. i have it all saved. I have the messages and emails on disc as well as printed versions.

thanks again for all the advice. I obviously am in need of moving quicker on these matters. I am just so nervous and unsure. Add that to the responsibilities i have daily and my head is spinning most of the time.

Just an update: As of today i havent received any additional threats. I have received about two to four calls each day with a few messages. The messages all say " I hate you ... . I truly hate you... . " etc. but basically short and not so sweet. Just "I hate you". I also got a phone call yesterday from a very strange number. I didnt answer, but thought I would call it back to see if it was some sales person or something of that sort. A female voice answered. I didnt speak but hung up. They called back immediately but I rejected the call. They also called again an hour or so later. Again I never answered. I think he possibly borrowed someones phone. He has no idea if I have received his messages these last three weeks or if I even have the same number. I have been diligent in not responding. could be that he is fishing for answers. That is what I think anyway. I am not answering any numbers I dont recognize. and immediately blocking those as well.

As for the rest, I am going to court house Tuesday to speak to someone in the county attorneys office and the division of domestic violence. I would go Monday but have too many responsibilities to handle here. I am safe and taking care of my family and D. thank you all for the acvice and prompting questions. I really appreciate everyones input.

Brave thing to do clover.   One step at a time.  One day at time you will get there.   Give yourself credit for being responsible and doing the hard stuff.

Good news Clover!

babyducks,

Thank you for the encouragement. Quite honestly, I can seem brave but in truth im terrified. If he slows his temper down I am afraid I will not do it. I am in such denial still to some degree. My children are my strength and reason right now. I am hurting more than I ever imagined possible. I cry every time i am afforded time to. I wonder what happened to my best friend and the man I loved. Hell the man I still love. I am angry at him for a dozen reasons. Hurt for a dozen more. I am an absolute mess. I got my obligatory " I hate you clover" this morning. then a little while ago he decided he needed to say more... .

" The things you have said and done to me are permanent. You cant take them back. I will never be your (his name) again. I hate you clover".

I am so upset over all this. I know i can never be with this man. He is unpredictable at best and dangerous at the worst.  18 years he was in my life. How could I not know before now? I am having a hard day today. I have some serious healing to do. I have so many things i want to say to him. I want to reach out and make him feel better. How sick is that? codepency running amok today. At least I recognize it and am not doing anything about it. I am searching for my inner strength and peace as well. I am a prayerful person. I pray often. Today, I am praying for me.  Thanks for reading and responding.

Clearmind,

I have good days and bad. But I can say without a doubt you and all the wonderful people here have made this more bearable. The advice is priceless. I am struggling today. But I know tomorrow will be better, and I will keep on keeping on. Thank you for the encouragement and all your advice. You really helped me regain focus on myself and finding my inner truth and healing. I hope I get there. thank you again.