BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I'm in the UK, married to undiagnosed BPD wife, with three kids.

I am starting to think seriously about getting a divorce, and moving out of the family home.  Things have been deteriorating for many years now, and now the state authorities are involved with our family because of emotional regulation problems with our kids.  The atmosphere in our house is often crazy, with tantrums,  fighting, people storming out, and so on.  It is not a great place to raise children, at all.

As you might expect with BPD, my wife has been laying the groundwork for many years in case I should ever try and leave.  She is very much afraid the children will want to live with me, and so she has on several occasions in the past (and more often  recently) tried to persuade state authorities like her GP and social services that I am a bad and abusive father who should not be allowed to look after the children, even though the kids say the opposite.

I have little doubt that if I begin formal proceeding, she will step up this campaign, and make all sorts of false claims as to what I have done in a bid to prevent me having as much custody of the children as she can get away with.

She has been diagnosed with depression for over a decade, (which she blames on me), but is highly resistant to any suggestion of BPD, because that would imply there is fault on her side, of which she is adamant there is none. When medical staff talk to her, she always twists things, omits information and exaggerates to make it always seem as though she is the victim.

If I do decide to end things, are there things it would be helpful to know in advance?  What is the best way to defend myself against the false claims that are bound to come if I decide to leave?  Will UK courts ask for some sort of psychological evaluation if I raise the issue of BPD?

I know very little about how custody works. Whatever arrangement is decided upon, is this periodically reviewed?  Will it be changed by the courts if it is shown my wife struggles to cope? She will naturally try and keep quiet about what goes on when she is in charge of the kids.

Any advice gratefully accepted.

How old are your children?

What support do you have now?

I am not in the UK but happy to offer advice if I can.

Son 11, two daughters 8 and 5.


Legal support? None.

We have a family worker that we see about once a week. She concentrates mainly on the behavioural problems of the kids, and tries to steer clear of the relationship problems between the wife and I.  She keeps pointing us in the direction of couples counselling.

We've tried couples counselling on two previous occasions, but it didn't work. My wife undermines the sessions, cries all the time, twists the facts, exaggerates to try and get the counsellors on her side, the usual sort of BPD stuff.

My wife sees her GP every few months to review her medication (and moan about me) but that's just about her depression - she deftly avoids any suggestion of BPD.

Apart from that, nothing really.