BPDFamily.com

What a mixed blessing!

I started really following boundaries and time outs.

He started struggling for control.

I felt abused and left the house with the kids.

I am unsure of the date, but he has already filed for a divorce.

The up side of this?  My daughter has been very worried that I was going to apply for a divorce.  Now I can say daddy did it.

It's good that you are safe, and are not being abused anymore. And it's good that you can see something positive.

But what is your plan going forward? It's not usually advantageous for the other party to file first. Do you have a lawyer to help you with the counterclaim and coming up with a strategy to protect you and the kids?

I do not know when he filed - but I received a restraining order against him before I found this out.

I have a domestic violence attorney, and the support of my medical professionals.

Do you feel good about your attorney?

If you have been served already, then you should have the paperwork.  Generally there's a court stamp denoting date and time it was filed.  If you still don't know, you can call the court and ask them when it was filed.  Another alternative is to go tot he court's website and see what's filed there.  Remember, you still have to follow all the rules no matter who filed.  If you are to provide a response, reply or counter allegations, you usually only have a couple weeks to do so.    Sitting back and waiting is not a good strategy.  You don't want to give up any of your rights simply because you failed to respond in time or didn't ask.  This is a case where you need to be proactive all the time, relentlessly.

Just found out he filed the same day as our court appointment.

His family is totally supporting him and he is lying about me/completely delusional.

Can't believe that all the years they said I was wonderful have changed so quickly.

Also, he has already created an new online dating profile.

my attorney said it doesn't matter who files first.  the fact that you got a restraining order is good.  his filing just makes it easier, like you said.  good for you!

It might be different depending on what state you live in. For example, if you're in a no-fault state or not.

The most important thing is that you set the pace. Filing first gives you that advantage. In general, if custody is an issue, then you want to drive the process, not him. Psychologically, when they file first, you are on the defensive.

If you want to turn it around, you could file a Motion for Temporary Order, and then that lets you present your case first. At least, that's how it works here.

You don't want to be passive, that's the important part. Otherwise you're going to get trampled hard. Don't leave everything up to your L. Learn as much as you can so you can come out ahead here. You've already paid dearly by being married to this guy. Might as well come out with a good outcome for your and your kids now that you've left.

How old are the kids?

How much of the time are they with you now?

How are they doing?

D8 S5

Under temporary orders I have sole custody and he is denied any visitation.

The hardest part is the waiting . . .

Kids are doing as well as can be expected.

It might not seem like it, but your situation is actually pretty good, compared to where many of us were at this stage.

You can make sure the kids' needs are met, and take care of yourself - get good support from family and friends I hope.

Don't be in a hurry to move the legal process along.  If the kids are with you and doing well, that will work to your benefit (and theirs).

Seeing improvement in the kids already, but both are showing signs of imitating what they lived through.  D8 says sorry for every little thing.  S5 has started raging.

Making appointments for both to see counselors, and signing us all up to take an introductory martial arts class - first session is private just for the family.

Thanks for the "other perspective" - so glad this site exists just for that reason.

Hi Mcgddss,

Good to hear from you! It sounds like things are moving in a good direction for you and your kids.

I hope you have some support around you so you can continue to be such a good support to your kids!

Love Blazing Star