BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

This is my first post on this particular message board.  I am slowly getting the hang of things, but I'm sure it takes me way longer to find my posts & replies.   Nevertheless I shall persevere.

I'm not sure how much to say as I don't want to repeat things I've said on my original post in the new person board (if that makes sense).

I am the mother of an adult daughter who has been 'loosely' diagnosed with BPD.  I also see other issues in her behaviour (anxiety, depression, bi-polar, asbergers and even ADHD).    

A recent event has prompted her to seek help, but I doubt she will totally follow through.   I lent her my car and she wrote it off which has left her feeling quite ashamed & sorry.   So (more to please me I think), she went to her GP (who said it was anxiety and prescribed an anti-depressant), but the GP suggested she see a therapist at our local University (an intern studying - as they are cheap).  My daughter is on a disability support pension, and sometimes works for short periods, but can't seem to maintain a job.    

I doubt she is taking her medication, and I also think by the time her appointment comes up, she won't think she needs to go (as the memory of the crash & everything going on in her life at that time will have faded).  

I feel somewhat disappointed about that - because as a mum, I just want my daughter to be happy in life and feel useful.   Sleeping, watching movies, living off benefits and smoking weed (and goodness knows what else), isn't the life I would have hoped for her.  

I have good support, am involved in 12 step groups and yet I still get emotionally tossed around by my daughter.   I feel guilty all the time and want to rescue and fix things.  She underfunctions so I overfunction.   It's deep patterns (I used to do it with my mum as well).  

But I'm tired and I want some peace in my life.

Looking forward to hearing more of everyone's stories and helpful hints.   It's good that I have established this contact, so when I have a particular interaction, I can debrief here.

Warm regards

Hi cookiekate:  Welcome.  So much to deal with and sad for all of us to watch our children function they way that they do.   I also overfunction to compensate for my DD18's underfunctioning, sometimes to the point of exhausting myself. I am trying to work on this.  It was so timely to read your post this morning as last night I was so exhausted from overfunctioning that all I could do is lie in my bed and cry.  

I am glad you have such good support.  That is so important.  I am working on finding support for myself as I have very little support in my life.  Glad you found us and we can learn and lean on each other.

Griz

Hi cookiekate,

Welcome to the board,  I am new too.  It is a nice place to come and write. Those that can relate or have something to say are brilliant.  I like the way you put that "overfunction"  I catch myself doing that from time to time.  I learned by doing everything for her was not helping herl.  I had to pull away.  It has been tough, the years without my dd.  Now, she wants me back to have a woman to woman relationship.  I have not had to deal with BPD for about 13 years.  Oh off and on she would call just to get angry at the way I breathe and hung up.  It sent me into tears and silent screams of "What did I do that she is so angry at me?"  I still don't know.  

She will be coming to live with me for a few months.  I am scared... . she can be so mean.  So, you see me around here screaming my head off.  well maybe?  Who knows.  

we are doing the best we can,

Fay

THIS. Thanks for putting into four words what my life as a mother (and I am sure many mothers here) of a 23 year old daughter w/ BPD seems to be. Something I am working hard on changing because overfunctioning seems to only be enabling, and truly doesn't change anything. I have only posted a few times here and haven't done my introduction letter yet, mostly because it would be a novel. I don't know how to write it in anything less than a novel, but those four words sum it up pretty good.

I read these boards only occasionally (between my daughter w/ BPD, my elderly MIL who I help take care of, my other adult children, my husband, and work I don't have much "me" time) and sometimes I can only nod my head because I'm like "Yeah, that's my daughter" and "yeah, that's my life" and sometimes I have to click it off because reading it is like reliving my life, you know?

Hi to you newbies, especially cookiekate,

It is so hurtful and exhausting being the mum of a 'child' with BPD, especially if they are living at home.

I just wanted to make sure you knew about this little piece of helpful info.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG” (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

let me know if it helps, ok?

thinking of you all,

Vivek