Print Page - Now whats going on?

Things keep changing every day at the moment. For the last three weeks its like dds been asleep. She has been distant from her baby and seeming to just want her old life back, going out drinking with bad girl friends from the past.

Her dh is suffering, trying to work everything out, he too seems to live by his emotions only. He has no experience of BPD although he met dd and she was showing signs of BPD, that was about a year ago now, for the last 9 months dd had been extremely well and he thought she would always be like this. So its a shock to him.

Today, dd suddenly gets a lot better, for the first time in 4 weeks she fed the baby this morning, then later she came round to my house to see me and the baby, she was much better in her mood, maybe a bit too happy if you know what I mean.

Thing is she keeps telling me what to do, she says it in a bossy way. Thats fine, I dont mind but I told her that I think its time we upped the bottle so instead of 5 oz it would be 6, that means we need 6 scoops of milk. Also I told her I dont like to disturb baby if he is feeding or asleep, I told her that her dh sometimes wants baby back home at 7 pm, but I feel bad because baby is asleep or feeding. Dd said to me that I must not disturb baby and wait until it is a good time to bring him home, never mind what dh says, she is saying it so she will tell her dh and he wont mind.

Thing was, I told her we were bringing baby home at 7pm, at 6.30 she rang me, she was bossing me about again, remember milk is giong up, and dont bring him home if he is asleep or having a feed. Then I can hear her dh in background getting a bit cross, she covers the phone and says if it wasnt for my mum the baby would be in care, you need to be more grateful.

Why do you think she is doing that?

Then we dropped baby home at 7, I got a text from her at 7.30, she said why is one of the bottle lids a bit yellow? I had texted her about that 3 weeks ago telling her it discoloured because I put it in dishwasher she obviously didnt remember and at the time didnt seem to care.

She then told me that I didnt refill the bottles I gave her back to the exact 6oz mark, it must be exact and exactly 6 scoops, we have to get it right, but we had been through all this before.

Its ok, I will just validate but Im just a bit unsure why she is repeating this all the time and yet I have the baby for 12 hours a day and all weekend with no texts asking how he is or anything, they never used to ask what feeds he has or nappy changes and all normal stuff that people ask.

Anyway, I did reply to her text, and she ignored me so it cant have been that important. I could have got really upset and taken it personally.

Yesterday she was saying to me that she has just realised how good I have been, I never moan and she really wants to buy me a lovely pressie, she said if I see anything I want just tell her and she wants to get it for me.

Sshe asked her brother in secret if I leave the baby to cry at all. He said no, but I should sometimes it wont hurt, he told her that I do a fantastic job and I am always cuddling him. I have told her this all the time, I tell her I look after the baby just like you would, I know what you want for him and I am doing it exactly like you would. I never leave him to cry, you cant hes too young.

Sorry Im going on now, babble babble.

Its a hard time right now and really need more insight to everything. I thought it was hard before, but now there is a beautiful baby involved so its harder.

Hi heronbird,

You have it tough! Yet, it is also wonderful - you get to cuddle the baby all the time - they are so precious!

I am not an expert on this, but here's my two cents (what do you say in UK? I think Ausies say two bob... . ?):

So here goes:

I think your dd is happy that you care for the baby - otherwise it might have been taken away and she knows it.

I also think that the overly perfectionistic demands/suggestions come from the fact that:

1. she wants everything to be done right for her baby (and this is her first, so she has no experience),

2. add the fact that pwBPD are sensitive. She probably doesn't understand that a little more or little less than exactly 6 oz doesn't make any difference (what if she was breast-feeding? haha - cannot imagine how that could be measured - maybe timed? Just kidding :))

3. also, she probably wants to start feeling like she is in charge (it IS her baby after all)... .

4. Also, she might want to feel competent (regardless of her insecurity)

What do you think?

It is all new for her and her dh. For you too - as a grandma I mean.

Hi yes thats true, well jellibeans, I have not had a proper nights sleep in 4 weeks dont forget, I am busy during the day, a baby is unpredictable and demanding, yet I have other pressures too with BPD worry etc. Yes I am tired, today, I had the first normal sleep. I am also useless at sleeping in the day.

Not sure of a plan to move forward, this is a challenge for social services, because as you know with BPD, they get better, then what happends? unpredictable and no good for baby.

They are having a meeting next Tuesday to discuss what happens from here, at the moment dd does not want baby full time. She is not allowed him on her own either.

Pesim, yes good insight, I forget she is a perfectionist, because to look at her you would never know it. Yes all new for us, very true.

I understand she wants everything right for baby, but I guess what I didnt say clearly was, she had told me about an hour before when it was just me and her. Now she is phoning me to say it on the phone all over again in front of dh.

She is saying, dont bring baby back if in middle of feed or sleep, well I had told her its not fair on baby when her dh wants baby at 7pm, I have to take bottle out of his mouth seems mean etc etc. She said to me I must not do that, and dh can wait until baby has finished feed.

So she is telling me all this again an hour later while dh is there. I can hear him sounding like he is cross. Then at one point he shouted "Ill make all the decisions" She starts saying, no, I can as well its not just up to you.

She had covered the phone but he sounded nasty, yet he is so quiet normally I was surprised the way he spoke to her.

You know he finds it hard that I am having the baby, he sees me as a threat I guess.

DD wants me to have the baby the whole time but her dh insists he has him at night. dd wants me to have baby once a week over night dh said its up to him not her.

She is just trying to be sensible because she thinks she may not be able to do the night feeds with her medication, he gets really upset that she wont help him, I think she is trying so hard to please him.

Gosh, Im like the third person in their relationship now. I always said Id never be like this.

Are you tired of reading my posts haha

Yeah, I had a break for 9 months, everything in this house was non BPD for 9 months. Remission, dd called it rescission, so funny.

Im off shopping today with my older dd, yeah. got no money mind you but still a few hours me time, we will get lunch.

Also grandaddy is brilliant and as he works shifts he is here in the week to help and he is really loving gs

Thanks for your replies, they always lift me

Thanks, no, I dont want another person looking after baby, and my dh helps a lot now, hes bathing him now.

So, the deal today was I went out for the day, dd was bringing baby to me at 6. I was having lunch with my older dd at the shops when my mobile rang, it was sil, he asked me what time I would be home, he didnt say why, I said 4 ish, im out at the moment. Have to get train back. He said dd just had a massive breakdown at the shops and he cant find her.

I just validated him and said Id see him later.

About half an hour later he texted me saying its all ok now.

Phew!

Half an hour later I get text from dd saying , is anyone at home, someone really needs to take baby, dh is freaking out so badly everythings got on top of him and he cant cope not even for one more second.

I said no, you have to wait, Im just getting on train now. She asked if her brother was home I didnt know.

Anyway, so urgent and panicked me.

when I got home, baby was here, daddy had dropped him to my son. i dont think he was supposed to, now Im worried social services will make a fuss and threaten me.

Cut a long story short, dd told me that her dh cant sleep, been awake every night. Hes not being nice to her just like I thought, when I heard him last night. To my face he is so calm you would think he was placid and nice.

She was so upset saying that he is so horrible to her, she tries to do her coping strategies and he wont let her. I said I want the baby for two nights not one, she said she thought that was so brilliant and thanked me, But I think that will be another row, he wont like that.

So I know whats going on now.

Poor baby being shoved around when his parents emotions run high.

Hi heronbird,

I wonder if we are seeing some red-flag with your SIL... . (of course could be just him being tired - he hasn't slept properly; stressed that if they do not keep the baby all nights, the social services will take him; and not coping with dd's being overwhelmed). That being said, I would keep an eye on things, if I were in your shoes - to try to discern if it is just the stress, or real red-flag

Your dd talking on the phone in front of her dh - that is a typical strategy that our sd uses with her dh, when she wants to tell him things that she knows he would not like... .

Do the social services need to know every detail of where your gs has been? Are you obligated to keep a log or something like that? (just wondering if there is a way to not involve them in the fact that gs was dropped off at your son's - that sometimes happens in "non-bp" families also, if there is a conflict of schedules... .

Take care of yourself!

Hi,

Well, you know the type of people pwBPD chose when we first met him we were really upset going by looks, then as he is a local guy my son did some research and heard that he was drugging dd up and tattooing her, he has had a bad past but nothing too serious, maybe you may think of him as adhd type.

So no, he is not stable.

However, social services say they have to give him a chance, he has nothing much on his files anywhere to say he would be a danger to the baby. Also, yes I think maybe slight mental health issues but never hospitalised, he did however go to to the mental health unit that my dd is under a few years ago, they would not pass the information on to social services because of confidentiality issues

So, we dont have anything concrete.

First of all, I believe my dd, I can weigh up situation and I know she is not lying. She broke down when she was telling me how horrible he is being to her. Yes I worry for my dd, last time she was in this situation she had a massive breakdown. She is really well in her thoughts at the moment, its like she is fine but he isnt.

The situation with social services is that I really want to tell them so they can see what position I was put in and also that its not just dd who is unstable.

Last time, I let dd go round the block with baby, social services started threatening me to put baby in care, said I am obviously incapable of saying no to dd so I can not do the job. I dont even know why I did it, I think I thought it was ok. They thought I was collaborating with dd. Anyway, it was ok in the end I said I was sorry I wouldnt ever do it again.

I think I am going to tell them this... .

"I am not giving them the baby back, why, because they are treating him like an object... . They want him, they dont and so on, its not fair on the baby. At the weekend I wasnt supposed to have him, Id agreed for him to come at 6 pm, I was out shopping and I got text from dd in a panic. I couldnt get home quick enough, she said it was urgent and couldnt wait a minute. So my son was going to their house to assess the situation, make sure baby was safe. Then about 5 minutes later sil dropped baby, didnt ask any questions, I got home about 10 minutes later. Im going to leave my son out of it as much as I can.

Thing is, we didnt even know where they were, they werent at home anyway. I need social services to know that sil breeched the deal, and that he is struggling a lot now.

Pessim, thats interesting your dd does that on the phone, so horrible. Gosh I wouldnt put up with that with my dh. This is all so weird.

Anyway, they are probably all ok now they dont have baby, feelings are facts to them.

Oh by the way, where did sil go after he dropped baby? Skate park, then dd flew in with her dad, she met him at train st from work asking for cash, quite a lot of cash, she had it in her bank, lost her card as usual so she transferred it to his account. No time to talk, off to meet her dh, then they are going out for the evening.

Im tired just thinking about it.

Pessim, I am not obliged to keep log, I do just for me in case. Social services only want to know if I am worried about baby in anyway. I am not really, apart from they want him, they dont.

I mean, if sil has said he wants baby at 7pm, it has to be 7 even if bottle is in mouth or hes asleep. Yet dd is saying thats too unsettling its not fair, so keep him etc

Pessim, Parents still have custody but dd is not allowed him alone, mainly because she thinks she cant cope so she asked me to have him. Its quite unofficial but it isnt. Sorry Im not used to all this, Ive just become an expert in mental health services now all new with social services.

I am being assessed all the time I believe by ss, they often think grandparents are overbearing and controlling so I have to be careful they dont think that, I dont really think I am, but I probably think I know more than them as I done it 4 times and work with under 3s for the last 17 years. But they are the parents and I believe they should do it their way too. I mean, Ive worked with all sorts of different parents with all different ideas, you just let them get on with it, dont say much, so not too different in some ways.

Its not the state that has custody, Im not sure, I guess its me and sil, but Im sure its my dd too, they have not taken that away from her, sorry, Im not too sure am I :)

Js friend,

I keep thinking of that, Im wondering where this will all end up and it seems a really good idea at some point for dd to move back here, maybe temporary though, as I dont think she will like that, but it does seem like a solution if things get worse.

Im not sure if she would consider it actually. Ive kind of made a commitment that baby what ever happens will always see daddy and obviously mummy.

You wouldnt believe what a cute and content baby he is, he is so lovely. He does seem unsettled when they first bring him in the morning, but now Ive had him since yesterday, he is just a model baby. Smiles so so much, looks so perfect. Hes just been awake for the last hour, just happy looking at his toys and loves me and my older dd talking to him, he is so happy, now I just put him to bed, he was awake but he will just fall asleep now.

Ill let you know what happens tomorrow when I phone ss, Im dreading it, so worried they will take him away from me, they seem to keep saying about putting him in care. I feel blackmailed by them now. I feel I owe it to dd to help her with baby, dont know why, just do.

Thanks for your support though

Quote from: heronbird on July 28, 2013, 03:28:50 PM

I am being assessed all the time I believe by ss, they often think grandparents are overbearing and controlling so I have to be careful they dont think that... .

Ill let you know what happens tomorrow when I phone ss, Im dreading it, so worried they will take him away from me, they seem to keep saying about putting him in care. I feel blackmailed by them now. I feel I owe it to dd to help her with baby, dont know why, just do.

That's the thing, I would feel confused by them - thinking grandparents are overbearing, then, they were upset you were not "strong enough" to say no to dd (not being overbearing)... .

Do they have any guidelines or clear rules that are explicit and measurable, that they could share with you, so you don't have to keep guessing what would please them?

It must be so frustrating for you... .

Heronbird - it seems so impossible to balance life when there is so much uncertainty. Espcially who is really 'in charge' of the baby.

I have been in this place with my DD and my gd. Please please get some breaks to keep yourself healthy. I got very very sick in that first 2 years with gd. We pursued custody privately -- it is hard to get without support of social services, though we were lucky with the daddy convincing DD to agree. We could not cope with her constant threats to take gd away, knowing DD could not care for her properly. (daddy was in jail at that time, and DD was lost and alone and off doing drugs with her friends).

Social services should be able to say who has legal custody of baby. IMHO it should be the court, and there should be some formal agreement made. Sounds to me like they do have some agreement since they are placing him with you, and threatening to take him away if you do not have good boundaries with your DD, and now seems some with SIL as well. They need to know of the early drop off by SIL, and the panic there. And that you did your best to get home as quickly as possible. And that the baby was totally safe and cared for with your son. Keep that diary going.

Please DO NOT have your DD move into your home. This really really complicates your having care of the baby. There need to be clear limits for the best interests of the child always. And this is so hard when we love our grown child too, and worry about their safety and health. Your DD is making sound choices for her child by wanting you to provide the care. She knows who SIL is better than any of you, and it seems there is some angry stuff going on there. He sounds very controlling to me - and is using this child to manipulate all of you to get his needs met. IMHO

The relationship between your DD and her dh is not your problem! Do your best to encourage her to find the support she needs to work through the marital difficulties. The only way they can be involved with their child is to use good strategies. It is awesome that you DD knows she has strategies and is trying to use them. What can you do to validate this as a good choice for her, and to encourage her to find support to use them. Is there another place she can go to get some space away from SIL?

THis is all so painful and confusing. My best was when I could really focus my attention on my gd and step out of the way for DD to figure herself out. And I have not been very good with this many times. Especially when I am tired. Yet, things are getting better between DD and all of us, at least for now.

Hang in there - keep us posted. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers daily.

qcr

Thanks qcarolr, very interesting and nice to know others have been through similar things.

I find my case a bit different in that SIL wants to be in charge and wants my help but moans about me being overbearing or what ever he calls it. He said I was trying to take over because I kept a few clothes here, well, thats what people do when they have babies living with them most of the time.

Social services tried to get him to sign baby over to me or something, he was angry said it was all my fault, he told my dd that I had said he is a rubbish dad and cant look after the baby. Obviously not true. I never said that. My poor dd had to try to stick up for me and she was going through a crisis at the time.

I have heard that what I might have to do is go to court to apply for a residency order so baby can live with me, they would still have him as much as was agreed, same as now I believe. How awful would that be? SIL would hate me and then Id loose any small relationship I keep trying to keep.

I told social services what happened, she didnt seem too bothered, she said my son is allowed to have baby, so I worried all weekend about that for nothing.

She said do I think it was a real emergency or just abusing me I said real emergency.

She said we have to see if they are capable of bringing up the baby/parenting the child :) Thats a joke. They cant even have him for a weekend, what the hells going on here.

You were lucky, your case was black and white at the end of the day. At the moment my case is complicated by the fact the dad wont let go, yes he has issues, some are serious but not on paper so social services say they have to give him a chance, but I would have thought he has proved he cant cope folie haha

Im off on a little holiday in two weeks, if baby comes too, thats fine, if sil says no, then Im switching my mobile off.

Im scared I will miss him, Im all confused, I need the break when he goes but Ive had him nearly 5 weeks now, its not like normal granma is it.

At the end of the day, Ive figured out Im the only one who genuinely cares about him and his long term future. Hes just a commodity to them. Bring him round when it suits them.

I wont have dd move back qcarolr, thanks for reminding me of that, you are right. I dont want to be the third person in the marriage, its her choice she chose him she needs to get on with it. The thing that is hard is that all the things I have learnt to support my dd is not happening with her dh . I cant protect dd for all her life.

I dont feel as blackmailed as I used to at beginning, so thats a relief.

Quote from: heronbird on July 30, 2013, 04:42:56 AM

I dont feel as blackmailed as I used to at beginning, so thats a relief.

Well its good that you are feeling more positive Heron.

I only suggested your dd come back home if she was really ready to leave her DH... . but in hindesight and not thinking,if she is anything like my dd she would probably just go on seeing him behind your back anyway. One of my own boundries with dd is that she doesnt involve me in any of dramas she has going on with ex/bf. I just want to be here for gd and thats it. I have had enough of it... I dont want to be involved in their ins and outs and be the peacemaker anymore.

In an ideal world your dd could come home and you could all just concentrate on bringing up gs, but as qcarolr story reminds us the reality and the absolute turmoil it would bring gs and your home would be too much to bare so she is right to advise against it... .

Is the residency order be permanent or temporary? It sounds like a good idea if you are the one to be in control of when they pick up g's and drop him off.Did your dd and sil have anything to say about it? In the meantime why isnt the sw more concerned about gs being shuffled aroound like this. This kind of thing really makes me sad.

When Iam with my gd bys myself I just know she appreciates everything iam doing for her, and your gs does too Heron. We love them with all our and they know we do.

Stay strong Heron, and try to get some rest if you can

Js friend, I forgot you mentioned dd move back, I had that thought myself you see. I thought if dd breaks up with sil then that might be an option. But as qcarolr said no, not a good idea, Ill stick to that.

Its very strange, I seem to have a good relationship with dd, I guess its from years of experience with her BPD behaviours, just like everyone on here has too, we take it for granted how good we get with time, (experts by experience)

Shes been texting me a lot today, asking me to help her out with stuff, well I though sil should be doing that for her, she said he would never offer to do it for her. Its just she is so ill at the moment, she cant cope with even sorting out a prescription or something like that.

Dd said that she would like me to have residency thing, but her dh wont allow it. I actually asked how she sees the way forward, she says she thinks its going to stay like this long term. Im sure it wont, Im not sure what outcome there will be.

She is saying she really wants therapy, she is just being so good right now. She tells me that her dh insists on having the baby over night yet when she cant help him he gets so angry with her, he just wants his baby home with them all the time. Yet look what happened last weekend

I dont know if residency order is permanent and I dont really see much difference, although maybe Id have baby over night, do I want that. I quite like a break, Im getting the best of both worlds right now, good night sleep.

Yes, the poor baby. Its so unfair for him. Social services dont seem to care, I dont understand that. I told them at the beginning that its unfair on the baby and she said hes the dad he has to have a say, they have to give him a chance. What about listening to my dd.

Yes, I dont want to get involved with their marriage, its not ok to do that.

qcarolr, how old is your granchild now, how is she, how do pwBPD children end up? could he have BPD? Will he end up with mental health problems from this mess?

In my house its calm, not noisy, well balanced calm people like me and dh look after baby, we would never get cross with him but gently have rules. I know all these things help.

I wonder a lot about that.

Heronbird,

Gd just turned 8 and will be going into 3rd grade soon. She is very excited. She has quiet temperament anyway, and chaos of life with mom in/out in/out has not helped. She also has dx of ADHD and is on some meds that do help with hyperactivity and impulsiveness. Attention piece is hard to sort out as is worse when I am giving more attention to DD needs and less to gd needs. Dh has stepped up a lot with gd when he is home from work. Though he is very tired from his new boss - talk talk talk - and of course all the stress of DD legal situation etc.

You situation has me pondering the 'if I could do it over what would I do different'. Well I would have better tools for boundaries around friends living in our home so I could avoid dealing with DD. Better self-care boundaries. Be more consistent and less emotional/over-reacting -- ie. self care again. it would go all the way back to when dd was 2 and I sought counseling with her the first time and walked away because it was too threatening to me as a parent feeling blamed. I realize now that much good advice was given that I could not take in over the years with dd. Am trying to do it different with gd.

Always trying to nuture r/s between gd and dd. Would have found more support to help DD focus on being the non-custodial parent from beginning. ie. me having attitude that this is permanent situation regardless of what future held. This would have provided more consistency for gd. I have tended to dance the dance with DD visits as DD wanted. needed to say, here is schedule when you can see her, take it or leave it. Still struggle with this.

Don't know if any of this is helpful. As you can see, I struggle with getting dd and gd all mixed up in my mind. And they are such different personalities.

Wish I had money to do neurofeedback T with gd for her ADHD. Maybe this would limit tendency to move toward BPD. Have to ponder this deeply. Wonder if any family would help with this as a gift for gd. maybe need one of those facebook fundrainsing pages, huh :)

Lots of hard decisions. I may be worth the risk to r/s with SIL to pursue at least temporary residency order. This little boy needs to not be tossed back and forth so - consistency is so important at the delicate brain development stage. have you read Brain BAsed Parenting yet. It is book reviews.

qcr

Hi qcarolr,

How sad, I look at this lovely little perfect looking baby, smiling away and I wonder, I really wonder :'(

The problem you have and me too now, I love my dd more than gs. So how can I not help her. Recently she has been phoning me up with her problems, does she not realise I had her tiny baby here, who didnt ask to be born actually. So I just played the game with her, I validated her while she was on speaker phone, her or baby didnt even realise there was any problems, its a nightmare though when wanting to concentrate on baby, he has rights too I think.

Dd is always asking me to do things for her, she says she cant do it, get meds from doctor things like that. Docs keep on and on getting her meds wrong its so bad, dd notices, and cant cope. I thought dh was supposed to be doing that.

In UK, when you have serious long term mental health issues, they have something called a personal budget for these people, the limit is 6 thousand pounds, it could be more but that is it. So out of that she could get gym membership, lap top for college course, pay for college courses, or any courses. She could do horse riding lessons, driving lessons, things like that, its a social fund, they wont pay for private therapy though. So dd wants gym membership, she has asked a lot for this in the last 6 months and nothing much has been done, so i emailed the worker that dd has to ask her to sort it for dd, I said to dd that she should do it really.

Sorry, gone off subject now.

I know I could really help this little baby if I had him, I think sil has adhd, what hope does baby have?

so sad :'(

Also, they did mention paying me to have baby, I said to dd if ss pay me, then I will be able to afford private therapy for dd.

By the way, what do you think about this. I said to dd how would she feel if baby lived here, she said she would like it, I said you can come over anytime to see him, she said I dont like coming to your house because it has too many traumatic memories. Haaa What, I mean, she had a lovely life. She came the other day and said how nice it was to be here sitting in my lovely garden etc, she was so happy to be here. Her bed room reminds her of taking ODs and crying for 3 years in there.

She has been asking for trauma therapy recently. Weird really when you think, I think we all need trauma therapy for what we went through with her :) *)

You see, I work with children, preschool mainly, I have had a couple of families from ss, one boy was 4 when he started, they didnt tell me anything about him, it soon became obvious that he had complicated problems, when I found out what his problems were, I worked with him and changed him in 3 months, they were shocked how he became just like a normal child. I love working with these sort of children, they are a challenge, they get so excited just when you read them a story, its so satisfying for me.

Then you get the children who get everything, completely spoilt in everyway, sure they are nice and fun but I love the challenge of helping children who have been, well, neglected basically.

I recently had a family, mum was in her 30s, she had 6 children, oldest were twins age 17 I think, one of them had beaten her up and lived in assisted housing. I think maybe the mum had BPD in the end. She was lovely though. One day she brought one of them to me, he was 3 so cute, he had wet himself and trainers were wet, I said I will put them in washing machine, she said no dont, they will disintegrate they are so old and worn out. I really wanted to buy him some new ones, but then I remembered, she just got back from Florida, she took all her kids there She bought UGGs, smokes mind you she did try to give up. Stupid boyfriend etc.

Anyway, she had to leave because her life was so chaotic she couldnt stay with me. Such a shame, but everyone said when they saw me out with three of her kids, how different they were when they were with me, than when they saw her with them.

So I think I may be able to help this little baby, maybe. Oh dear so heart breaking,

So you worry that it was bad enough going through BPD with your dd, now you may have to go through another complicated thing with gd.

Sorry, that was long winded message

Heronbird,

Keep up encouragement for your DD to do as much as possible for herself. I am really trying to come up with better boundaries about what I will do for my DD27. I will not always be here to do FOR her. Trying to connect her more directly with case workers - but they do let her down. And I think this is a training issue for them, and lack of understanding how hard it is for her 1. know what she needs 2. how to find the right words to ask for what she needs.

DD often asks me to go into meetings with her so I can 'ask the right questions'. So I see her starting to gain awareness of what her needs are, and one of them is her struggle to the 'how' to get these needs met.

Yet when she is out with friends, she seems to manage fine without me.

So hard to step out of her way. The consequences are so hard and so real. Well, guess she does not always do so good with friends. BPD impulsive and emotional intensity has her in so much legal trouble with latest breakup. exbf being very vengeful.

It is tough love. And with the sweet gs in the picture, makes it even harder.

My computer is messing up. I will check back tomorrow evening to see how things are going for you.

qcr

Quote from: heronbird on July 31, 2013, 03:01:21 AM

Dd is always asking me to do things for her, So dd wants gym membership, she has asked a lot for this in the last 6 months and nothing much has been done, so i emailed the worker that dd has to ask her to sort it for dd, I said to dd that she should do it really.

I think you are right to leave it to your dd's worker to sort out Heron.

You have got enough on your plate at the moment and your dd's worker may be able to find yourr dd a reputable gym and get her free gym membership based on a drs referal, and your dd will be able to have a trial to see if she likes it or not.

I thnk it would be better to do it that way rather than your dd pay out all that money like my dd did when she was pregnant and then go only about twice. I never thought it was a good idea when she was pregnant but we know what they are liked once their minds are made up.I used to encourage my dd to come swimming with me, have a nice massage, buy some new clothes... . anything else... . but nope it had to be the gym... . The peraon who even signed her up knew she was pregnant because I saw the paperwork, but they still took her money signing up her for a year, which annoyed me quite a bit. she could have got referred to antenatal, and relaxation classes with proper guidance for free,but thats my dd for ya. So impulsive and all that money down the drain !

I know she joined up with a friend she no longer is intouch with and maybe there is someone there that she fancied,because weve been down that road before. It could have been because she was so adamant about joining, even though not practial at the time.

Anyway she gave up on it then and then mentioned it again the other day. Dont know who is supposed to have gd though

oh no, HELP

So, two days dd didnt want him, now today, she came round and completely smothered him, poor baby, she changed his outfit 4 times, kept feeding him milk, woke him up, wouldnt let him sleep. I cant bear it, its so sad to watch, Iwent into kitchen and did stuff. Then she came in saying he needs more milk. She wants to feed him all day long. I have him in such a routine, he gets fed every 3 to 5 hours here. She couldnt even dress him properly.

She is talking about coming round every day now, she has asked social services if she can take him out for an hour every day.

She was paranoid about him seeing her face, she kept on saying he needs to know who she is. Its all extreme and excessive.

I got a bit cross with her, and told her this is not going to work like this, i fed him at 3, then she came home at 4.30 said she didnt wake him up but made more milk for him. I explained he wont always be crying because he wants milk. She said she knew and she does not do that anyway.

She hated me telling her, oh no, this is so hard.

Validate her, well I tried. I dont know what to do now.

Will she be here every day all day doing her own thing with him, I dont want to watch.

Now she bought him a new baby gro, she had to put it on him and its the hottest day of the year 33. She kept saying she was going home but she wouldnt go.

She finally just left. She kept saying to me, please let me take him home, Ill make sure no one sees me. Uh. so hard

Any ideas? :'(

Heronbird,

Oh my, this so hard for you! One day she doesn't want him then she is smothering. That would be tough. No matter what you do, it will be rough. In my opinion, it would be better, if you had residency. It sounds like neither of them are stable. It sounds like the father wants him part time, when it is convenient for him. Like my sister tells me that my dd is a part time mom. She has 50/50 custody, but I had gs 50% of her 50%. And, the same is to be said of my gs paternal grandma. For the first time ever, my dd is not allowing me to have my gs. She had a major blow up the other night. First, she wants my gs to stay, I say that it wasn't a good night for me. I was not feeling good. then, after I saw her blow up, I told her that my gs could stay. Then, she said that he was not allowed to stay with us because were f'd up in the head. I know that her keeping him from me won't last, as she has nobody else. She is doing it to spite me. I don't see your dd doing that, but I can see your SIL doing it. So, I would go for the residency, then you have legal rights. You can allow them to take him quite often. You get to be the final judge when it is better that he is not with them.

It is really hard when grandchildren are involved. I can empathize with you. I have no legal rights, with the exception of grandparent visitation. I don't think that my dd would keep him from me that long, that I would have to resort to that route.

You say that you work with small children. Do you have a daycare?

Regarding your dd wanting to take your gs, I would say no. Tell her that social services may find out, then she will not have a lenient visitation schedule. that it is for her protection as well, and you would all lose out.

peaceplease

Hi and thank you all for the support, I find it so essential at the moment. I felt terrible last night, just when I thought Id cracked BPD then this strikes and I find it hard. I tried to talk to my older dd about it last night she just upset me so we fell out a bit, now Im really annoyed with her I wont talk to her about BPDD again, ha Ive said that loads of times.

She works in mental health.

First of all I have to say, dd texted me to say sorry, she said she will do things my way from now on because I have a good system and doing really well with him. She will come over and watch me. Dont forget I wasnt expecting this, because 5 weeks she hasnt come over once so it was a shock.

What can I do about this? she confided in me yesterday that she is addicted to prescription painkillers and she has resorted to getting them on line now, she said if she does not take them she starts shaking, she said she knows they are giving her depression so she needs to stop taking them. She made me promise not to tell her dh. She had also taken diazipam, she was very drowsy really. If I tell ss, Im worried they will tell her I told them. I cant loose my relationship with her.

Pessim, I did tell her that, yes I run daycare, have done it for 17 years now. I tell her I have some children more than the parents but they always know their parents and their home. I keep telling her all the time.

She said the baby was smiling at her dh then he gave baby to her and he was grizzly she took that baby hates her.

Peaceplease

Even if I have residency she can still come over when she likes cant she. I like 50 50 though. So she can do what she likes on her 50%

I have tried to prepare myself for NC one day, I think it will happen. I only have to upset her and that will be it.

I think her dh seems more comfortable with me now, he does not think I am trying to steel the baby anymore. He told my dd that when I registered the baby at the doctors I put my home address down, so stupid, why would I do that. She asked me how did I know her address, I dont but the surgery have my dd registered dont they.

When sil came to pick baby up yesterday I told him it was quite hard and that she was smothering the baby, he said yes she does that every night now, holds him all night long, she is better now, but he still wants her to go to a mother and baby unit, it cant be too far away because he is thinking of himself there.

Will a mother and baby unit help her? BPD will keep coming back wont it.

heronbird,

I've read this thread and your last post is of such great concern... . your DD admits she is addicted to RX pain killers which I assume are opiates (such as oxycodone, oxycontin, hydrocodone (not sure if the names are the same in the UK) and you also mention that she took diazepam, (Valium) which is a benzo. These two class of drugs are very, very dangerous to mix.

It is typical for users of the opiates to take more and more and more, greater quantities to get high as time goes on. Mix in the diazepam and it can be easily be fatal.

I hope you will check this out on the internet so that you aren't just taking my word for it. This mixture of drugs, your DD's mental illness, the stress of the baby, it is a recipe for disaster. Once you have read about the combination (alone these are also very addictive and dangerous) I feel like you will know what to do. This is nothing to mess around with.

Keeping you in my thoughts,

Thursday

hi Heronbird,

Of course, I don't know the specifics of the program your DD and BB (baby boy!) :) will be in, but I would guess the idea is training and to keep an eye on the new moms to make sure they know what to do and how to do it. Maybe they will know of some coping skills that can help your DD. Maybe job training will be a part of it and maybe someone there will get an idea of your DD's BPD and will know about something new that can help her.

Every so often, sometimes when things seem darkest, what is put in front of us saves us, so... .

Even though I know you will miss your little GS soo much, maybe this is exactly what your daughter needs and maybe she will learn some skill that can help her in the future, maybe some mental health professional will cross her path, maybe you will get some much needed rest!

Hope this helps!

Thursday

Hi

Oh thank you all for your replies, its just he is so little, and I had him for 6 weeks, he is only 9, its so hard today I feel sad, its nice to hear I will get used to it, I just wish she had got there 3 or 4 weeks ago.

Will he be looking for me today do you think? I had him in such a good routine, it was perfect he was such a good baby yet dd says he screams a lot and she puts teething gel on his gums says its cos he is getting teeth, why is he screaming with her, and not me.

I miss him a bit, but I do have good things in my life so I will be ok, I wont tell my dd I miss him because she needs to think of herself and not feel bad. Hes dh is struggling, only first day!

Dont forget we have been primary care givers for most of babys life so far, she couldnt even hand dh a bib when he needed it thats how little she had to do with him.

Ok, M&B unit, I been thinking a lot. Very nice place, I have to say... .

So, say dd stays 6 weeks there, then she is better, she goes home, then what? BPD never going to come back? what happens there then, she suddenly gets a trigger.

Social services dont even know she is in there with baby, they think me and her dh have him, I dont know if thats going to be such a problem, I dont think social services wanted her in there. They went and got advice on BPD and were told they were out of their depth and they should get funding to do a parenting assessment for 4 months on dd.

I think this is how ss see it, me and SIL have been primary caregivers as I said, now baby with mum, thats good, but in new environment and strange people feeding him, is that ok, they dont love him either. Too much change too soon, causes problems in later life maybe.

Yesterday, I asked the psychiatric nurse if she has had people in with BPD, she said yes she knows of it, but she does not think my dd shows signs of it. Yes, if you met dd right now, you would never believe it, she is so well, well presented, very articulate, seems very able etc.

The other patients in there are more seriously ill the nurse said.

Js friend, my dd will probably get some therapy and it may be good but not enough to stand her in good stead for life with dh and baby.

I dont want rest, the baby so easy I miss him, I cant visit till after next Tuesday now as I am going away on Friday, it was so sudden, that was hard.

Thanks pessim for saying it gets easier, I hope so. How can it get easier when they are older and talking etc?

Thursday

If I truly believed it would help dd, Id be so happy, and Id cope well, trouble is I dont, I feel its a waste of time.

I actually think she has done this because she thinks its a quick fix, it will please ss and get them off her back, also her dh was telling her she has to go.

My dh thinks she will want to leave in a weeks time and wont stay, she has always done that in the past, but I think that depends on how she feels, after all her emotions are in charge.

Thanks again all.

Quote from: heronbird on August 07, 2013, 04:21:40 AM

Will he be looking for me today do you think? I had him in such a good routine, it was perfect he was such a good baby... . why is he screaming with her, and not me.

Just speculating here: I think he will miss you, he got used to you and the routine. That got disrupted, so he is probably a bit confused... . I also think that he can sense your dd's stress, so he is stressed out... .

As pwBPD are influenced by their environment, it is possible that she is stressed out, because the baby is stressed out. And baby gets stressed out, because he is reacting to mom's stress. Do you think she would be able to hear that from you and understand, that if she can be calm and soothing with him, it will soothe him? That she sets the tone for baby emotionally?

Quote from: heronbird on August 07, 2013, 04:21:40 AM

Ok, M&B unit... .

So, say dd stays 6 weeks there, then she is better, she goes home, then what? BPD never going to come back? what happens there then, she suddenly gets a trigger.

... . I actually think she has done this because she thinks its a quick fix, it will please ss and get them off her back, also her dh was telling her she has to go.

... . My dh thinks she will want to leave in a weeks time and wont stay, she has always done that in the past, but I think that depends on how she feels, after all her emotions are in charge.

Provided that the ss will be ok with this move... .

I am not sure what exactly the M&B unit is equipped for, what skills they can teach her, but it may be a good and safe environment for your dd to get used to her son and learn how to take care of him, under supervision.

You know the answer to your next question - BPD is not going away. However, she may be able to get a head-start on the baby thing and be on her way to cope with this new situation better.

If she suddenly wants to leave, you can deal with that situation when it comes... . In the meantime, can you find out what that would mean for her and your gs? Would she loose him? That might motivate her to stick with the program... . In any case, it will be her decision and the consequences will be for her to own as well. At least you have a heads-up on that and can get ready for that scenario... .

What do you think?

Thank you pessim.

wise words from you and such a support, I really need that right now.

Dd is so happy in there she sent me a text last night telling me they are helping her so much and she has managed to feed the baby every feed, she couldnt do that at home. She said they never criticise her, Im not sure who did when she was at home, I saw her dh and he was ok with her I thought.

She didnt know how to put the baby to sleep without a bottle or rocking him, they told her to just leave him to cry and she was so happy, it worked. Yet when I said the same thing, she hated me saying that and just had a go at me.

I miss the baby a lot, but at the end of the day if they are getting help then thats good and Ill give up anything if the situation gets better.

Baby is bonding with mummy, thats good news isnt it, better than me.

Ok, now I know what its like to have grandchildren, I want more, but Id like normal ones haha.

I couldnt even buy this baby anything or sil thinks I am taking over folie he has baggage and insecure, he also lives off his emotions.

Didnt even go and visit last night, said he was too tired.

Heronbird, I know you are missing your gs like crazy. You didn't get much notice before he was taken away. That had to be hard. I think he probably cries with your dd because he was used to you and the way you did things. It doesn't mean her ways are wrong, just different from yours, and it will take some time for them to develop their own routine. I think it is good that she is getting help and important for her to bond with her son. Even if you eventually get custody of gs, your dd will play an important role in his life and the closer their bond the better for all of you, I think.

I understand when you say that you were the primary caregiver. You have played a very important role in his life. I think that does change the r/s between you and gs. I know that you probably feel responsible for his safety and well being. I was the primary caregiver for my gs for almost 2 years. I know how sad and scared and frantic I felt when he first left. That is what lead me to post here for the first time. The great people here gave me wise advice and support to make it through. It will get easier.

For me, the way to find some peace was to practice mindfulness. I tried to stay in the moment when I was spending time with my husband or other children and not let the thought of gs consume me. It wasn't easy and he was still constantly on my mind, but sometimes pushed to the back and not always in the forefront. Does that make any sense to you?

I will keep you and your family in my prayers that things work out for the best and that you find some peace of mind.

Hello

Thank you Topsy Turvy, oh my gosh, you had gs for 2 years then he was gone? is that what you were saying? Thats awful, how did you ever get over that?

Well, of course I posted when gs had just gone, it was a shock and I was upset. Im ok ish now. If I truly believed this was going to help dd, I would be much happier. Ive seen a few good things with her being in there so I feel happier.

Topsy, you got it right when you said about me having no notice, I think that was the hardest thing, and yet if only I had managed to get hold of the social worker, she wouldnt have let this happen, I just found out yesterday she does not even know dd is in there with baby, so I may be in trouble because I released the baby without checking with her. They keep using me as a scape goat, Im not getting scared about that anymore. Its all so stupid.

Interesting that last night, SIL went to visit dd for first time, she changed when he was there, phoning me demanding money quickly to be transferred into her bank, then moaning about the hospital, they wont let her sleep with baby, they wont let her out with her dh and baby on Saturday, and why is no one telling her dh anything? Its funny because i noticed for the last two days he wasnt around, too tired to go and visit, she was her old lovely self, so pleased to be there with baby etc. So I guess its the old story of when she is with a bf she becomes worse.

Also, dd couldnt believe that baby does not cry all day and is happy, I told her its because she is more relaxed, he can sense it.

This board is so helpful to me especially at the moment.

Im off on a short holiday today, so I should be fine and I dont really miss him too bad, I just worry for his future.

jellibeans,

Thankyou, I agree with that a bit. It is from the Bible too isnt it, its still hard to see when you are going through tough times.

I can now see she is learning to care for the baby in there, I am pleased.

Especially as social services might be thinking of taking baby from her, not her dh, because on paper dd has all the issues not her dh, even though he has, but he never got help he was just abandoned by his mum at age 13 ish.

If dd looses all her rights that would be terrible, I would feel like I would want to carry out her wishes but if sil got all rights which is what he wanted, he can do what he likes, I would feel so sad for my dd.

I am so glad that you are feeling better about the situation. It is wonderful to hear that your daughter is learning how to take care of her son! That must be encouraging for you. Hopefully ss will see that she is working to improve her situation and not take away her rights.

To answer your question, yes I had gs for almost 2 years while my dd lived out of state. Then my dd removed him from our home with no warning because she was angry with me. He was gone for about 3 months and it was a very difficult period in our lives. I still have not gotten over that, but I did learn ways to cope. My gs and dd are both back home with us now. The future is kind of uncertain right now but for the moment he is safe and with us. I plan to start a thread soon so I can update and get some much needed advice.

I hope you enjoy you holiday. Just knowing gs and dd are in a safe place will hopefully allow you to relax. Keep us posted.

Heronbird - I hope your short vacation can refresh you - body, mind and spririt. We took a short trip, and I am so much more calm.

It is hard to trust our BPD girls with their children sometimes, esp. when they have had trouble. My DD was in similar situation where she kept the difficulties of her home situation from social services until she realized they were giving all rights to her dh. Then she went to her lawyer with the whole story. Now I can tell that your D at least has exposure to strategies with her BPD. From your prior posts it seems her dh interferes with her ability to self-sooth, which is so important with the baby.

The mom&baby stay is so important for her to bond with him away from her dh. This is esp. true since things are not as good when he is visiting. It is so hard to meet needs of dh and baby sometimes, even for new mom's without the mental health issues. Dh seems to just step up and take over the baby. Maybe everyone around your DD needs to find ways to support her, trust her, that she can be a good mom. That she CAN LEARN what she needs to understand the developmental needs of her little guy.

Even if you end up with some of the parental responsibility for your gs, it is so very important for your DD to have a good r/s with him. And for her dh to have a good r/s with his son. It is also vital that the baby has one primary caregiver for the first year to establish his trust in the world so he can move into toddlerhood and more independence with little boy confidence. The most important aspect of parenting at this stage is for your gs to have a solid attachment with a primary caregiver - preferable the mom. It is good that there is this support of the mom&baby unit.

Do they have any kind of follow up program? Like a nurse visit each week? How do they include the father impact on this - can they instruct him on how important this bonding between your DD and your gs is during this first year? That he needs to be supportive of your DD, not trying to take baby away from her.

It has to be scary for you DD to find the confidence to be a mom. I hope you can find the resources you need to be the best grandma in this very trying situation. I also hope for your r/s with your DD to become stronger as you are able to support her as a good mom.

This is all just my humble opinion. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

Thank you for all your replies, I dont know how Topsy managed that, gosh 2 years and he would be like my own, then dd can just take him.

My dds baby is on a child protection plan, she is not allowed to have him on her own.

What happened :) it was predictable,

Dd started throwing her toys out the pram, haha, she rang me yesterday as we were coming back from our lovely break, "Mum, Im leaving this place, the doc is stupid and does not listen to me, they wont let me sleep with the baby so Im leaving, where are you"

We drove home as planned, then drove to pick her up, dropped her off home with her dh and I have him again now as before, she gave M&B unit a week, said it was no help and decided to leave. She discharged herself.

My holiday is not really over, we were going to have a lovely day out on Friday in London, a ride along the River then an open top bus tour, then lunch or dinner.

Ok, today is the first day I have had baby back and she keeps texting me saying she wants to come over to help me look after him, but I have a life, and we are going out, I need to get on with stuff, he has been asleep all morning Im waiting for him to wake then go out, so I told her to come around 3, but she wants to come earlier. She misses him. Now I feel bad, like Im keeping him from her.

She wants me to have him at the weekend too so they can go out on Sat night, why dont they just keep him over the weekend.

I asked her if her husband could get Friday off, she says she will ask him.

When she was in the unit, she told me that all the other women in there had their husbands come in every day, I wondered if she would realise what her dh was like not supporting her by coming every day, she was the only one. Her dh only came once or twice, the first night he said he was too tired. My dh would never have dont that.

B T W

When we were away, my older dd age 23 been going out with her bf for 5 years asked my dh if he could propose to dd within the next couple of weeks. I think they will get married next year. Ill miss her though.

My holiday was wonderful just what I needed and gave me a nice rest, I really unwound.

heronbird - you sound so much more rested. sounds like you are setting good boundaries with your dd about visits with gs. And that is what it is now - visits. I know how hard it is with feelings like you are not being supportive of you dd by getting on with your own life that includes the baby.

What has helped me the most is to always stop and think 'what is best for the baby, dd has to take care of her own needs - she is not able to see baby's needs as most important'. This still is something I have to remind myself about, and my gd is 8 now. And it seems that dd, at least for now, is accepting that dh and I are the 'parents', and she is more like a sister to gd.

The baby needs you continuous love - and you have lots of this to give him. He needs to know you face as the one that is always there for him, your voice that sings lullabye for him, your arms that shelter him. You dd's requests to see him - this about HER needs and desires so much more that what the baby needs. Maybe about her own sense of guilt or shame that she knows you are better able to care for her son. And she does know this - it feels good to her sometimes and bad to her sometimes. As her mom you want to make this all better for her - by letting her control the schedule with your gs. Try to remember she is an adult, and only she can find a path to managing her feelings and thoughts -- she has to find the ways to put her energy into meeting her needs before she can be available emotionally for her son at all.

All these are from my experience - please take what fits for you and leave the rest. Give that little boy a hug from me.

qcr

Congrats for you older D and her engagement. Maybe she will give you a chance to be 'just a grandmother' instead of a "grammy/mommy".

Qcarolr and Griz, Thanks for your encouragement and insights, its so helpful and I feel so supported. Gosh, this board has been a life line to me I think, especially recently.

I read out what you said to my dh Qcarolr, it is so wise. So true, its all about dd not gs for her :'(

I loved having him back today, 1st day. I just wanted to kiss him and stroke him, I remembered the workers in the M&B unit, they were lovely but they didnt Love my gs. It must be better for him to be with family.

Isnt it mean of me to tell dd she cant keep popping over? I felt so bad in the end. She kept asking what time she could come over, but baby sleeps most of the morning, then I needed to go shopping.

She texted me around 4pm and asked if she could come over, I said Id be home in half an hour so she came at 4.30, I had just put him to sleep, so I said he was asleep so she went to look at him and he had his eyes open, I would have left him and maybe even rocked him back to sleep but she said, oh, hes awake, I really want to pick him up, please can I pick him up, Im so desperate to cuddle him :'( How could I say no?

She did pick him up and he seemed ok, but after a while got sad and moaney, she asked me if he had been like that all day, I said no not at all. So its all her fault now, baby isnt comfortable with her she said. I told her not to try to read him, hes a baby, you cant read babies. I reassured her.

Its so difficult.

Yes, one day, I will be a grandma. I am looking forward to it :)

But I will never resent helping my dd out, not ever I have a few friends who look after their grand children and they moan about it a lot, they are not really very nice to the children and dont seem to be constructive with them.

I wouldnt mind your opinions on what you think about me saying dd cant come over, is it mean?

Thank you

Quote from: heronbird on August 14, 2013, 02:47:39 PM

I wouldnt mind your opinions on what you think about me saying dd cant come over, is it mean?

Well, truthfully it most often feels mean yet it is not mean at all. It is setting reasonable boundaries for the best health and development of this tiny child. Read any of the current child development books that include neuroscience based research and you can clearly see this. Your home is the best place for your gs. And this may be the case for months, if not years.

And you can validate your DD's feelings, which you are doing already. I often struggle with the words to say to my DD when she is feeling sad about not being the mom for gd. Then there are those times when she is in a rage and screams at me what a bad mom I am and how I will mess up gd just like I messed her up.IT is such a good thing that your DD supports your care of her son, and that social services has placed him with you.

I believe, looking back, that I did not do such a good job putting boundaries in place limiting DD's access to gd, esp in the beginning. I so wanted to help her become the 'real mom'. This placed a lot of unneeded stress on gd - even to the level of trauma that we are trying to manage in child therapy and at school. DD said today that gd is like her in being anxious - that gd shares many things in common with her. That she believes it is genetic. We were talking about some extreme responses gd has been experiencing to storms (normal for this time of year) and to the loss of her pet cricket. DD seems to be supportive of the therapy for gd now -- this was not always so.

So it is OK to limit your D's visits to her son's more awake times. Remind her that these will become more frequent and longer as he matures. And it is OK if his nap is disturbed when he is not soundly sleeping, like today.

Sometimes with DD, she was not really emotionally attached to gd (or her son placed in foster care at 5 months and adopted by foster parents at age 2). I think this placid face and disconnection is common with BPD mom's. I have read this somewhere. The baby/young child is often confused by this which may explain the fussiness. As he gets toward 2-3 months, and can start engaging more with seeing things beyond your face, maybe this will get better for you D.

Are there any development based parenting classes your D could attend? And your SIL. To help them understand what to expect at different ages and how to engage in play with them along the way. In US there is a program called "Bright Children" or something like that. They have a web sight I will search it out. It gives really concise information in easy to read poster format. I got these from social services for first 3 years with gd.

Keep doing what you are doing - loving both.

qcr

Hi,

Thanks Qcarolr, we do have parenting classes over here, the interesting thing will be weather they would go or not. Social services say they may make it a must for them to attend, but ss wonders if they will go.

SIL wont take a day off work for anything unless they threaten him. he works from 7am to 7pm so how would he do that.

My dd booked antenatal classes, they were £400 but she got them for £40. She was privileged, but didnt go.

I get so confused, sometimes I just wish dd would just go on her merry way and do all the things she was doing in the first 6 weeks and leave baby to me completely, I dont want her to come over and get on well and work things out because I know it will only be short lived and its so unfair.

At least my friends who have their gc on a daily basis dont have all this.

I dont think it is ok to disturb a sleeping baby, you see when she did that yesterday, it took me ages to settle him again, and she had gone by that point.

Also, dd keeps getting threats from the people who are involved in this case. She has been told by the baby s social worker, if you dont come over to your mums to see baby, that will look bad on you. She was told, if you leave hospital that will look like you dont care about your baby. They told her if you leave the baby with your mum over night too much that will look bad. Its everything, and I am not sure its helpful really. Plus the fact they never see the real her if she listens to all that.

And, yes, like you said, when baby was 3 weeks old, dd just couldnt look at him, she felt so guilty about this but she couldnt, she was also so detached from him, it was like she was looking at a friends baby, it was the hardest thing to see, to me, that is seriously ill and no one did much to help her.

Like when she used to self harm and no one took it very seriously, I was told oh, its only superficial. How can that be at age13

Ok, so it isnt mean... . so how much should I let her come over, I dont know baby s wake times now, hes not in same routine as before. I had him in a routine you see.

If she misses him so bad, why do they want me to have him at the weekends too

Quote from: heronbird on August 15, 2013, 02:20:40 AM

If she misses him so bad, why do they want me to have him at the weekends too

I think in a logical, rational way. Have to remind myself that my DD thinks in a different way that I can never really understand fully. It is like she only misses the child when it is convenient for her, someone is asking about it or she perceives they are making a judgement against her because she does show actions that she 'cares'. The comments of the ss workers - they do not realize how invalidating and triggering these comments are. Like making her feel bad about it will change her behavior -- thinking -- feelings. Force her to be a 'normal mom'.

You have done such a good job of following you intuition about things over past few years with your DD. You can continue to do this with her, and create a protected space for your gs to live in. It may be hard, but can you offer a regular scheduled time, say 4 times a week, for her to visit with the baby. Then you can be prepared for him to be up during that time as you get him back on a schedule. This may satisfy ss so they will stop pestering your dd -- if she is willing to show up at the scheduled time.

Worth a try?

qcr

Yes, Thank you. Im not sure I can cope with 4 times a week haha. Its so hard, really it is. Maybe I could do 3 times a week. He senses she is nervous and cries more, then she gives him to me, Im calm and she thinks baby likes me more and I am much better than her for him. I tell her I am not, he does not want me to be his mum.

Well SS are out of their liege arent they, they dont know what BPD is.

Actually, I will give our social worker her credit, she went back to dds old P to ask her some questions, she did that without me asking her. She didnt have to. Dds old p knows dd, new one does not, new one has hardly seen dd and I think she thinks my dd just has a bit of a headache, she does not take her seriously. She sees dd once a month for 15 mins just for her meds.

The old P told social worker that she is out of her depth with BPD. Social worker said she didnt take offence, she just saw it as a challenge. Sounds good really.

Yes, you are so right about dd only wanting to come over when it suits, if she has a day out shopping or something she likes, she wont miss him.

Well, I told her I was out all day today, she was ok with that, tomorrow we are going to a big park, we invited dd, she said she wants to come, she can push him in the pram, she will like that.

Thanks for your replies, so helpful and I really need it right now |iiii

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: heronbird on July 26, 2013, 03:18:15 PM