BPDFamily.com

Seems like my wife is getting worse. Does it get worse with time/age?

I haven't posted here in a while but it doesn't mean I haven't been dealing with the usual craziness. Normal periods (where I still walk through mind fields just to get through a day) and then off times I never know are coming. Although, if I were to predict trends, they almost always happen immediately after (hour/minutes) after she's especially nice. She had a minor episode/moment this afternoon, which I called her on, I thought it passed and she got through it. But now five hours later a full blown out episode I don't know who she is any more.

My wife is 50. I don't see a trend away from this. Some times I think it's getting worse. In a few years our last child will be out of the house and I'll be stuck with her alone. As much as I'd like to look forward to that, I sure wish it'd be with a different person.

It's at the point now where I openly say to her, "Who am I dealing with right now? You have different personalities. Come back to the world."

I really want to enjoy and look forward to life. And do it with someone. Even my wife. But I'm screwed being stuck with her. It's either divorce or consistent intermittent misery and BS the rest of my life.

I have heard of it getting better and even subsiding with age. Some people even test out of the diagnosis.

Everybody is different. I know that my own uBPDh gets worse when under stress. Advancing age can create stress. Does she sense that being an empty-nester with you makes you wish you could be free of her? Have you told her that you look forward to being an empty-nester with her? Are there things that you could do together?

Telling her that she has different personalities is bound to make it worse. It's not so much different personalities, but different modalities that pwBPD cycle through. There is a good youtube video about this, called "Faces of BPD." You may see several faces during one conversation. They include: Abused/abandoned Child, Angry/impulsive Child, Detached Protector, Punitive Parent, Healthy Adult.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do6owMR1hSY

I guess you need to decide first whether you wish to stay in the relationship or get out. A lot of couples do divorce at this point, and it is generally easier for the man to find a new mate. However, would your children feel that you ditched their Mom just because they had moved out of the house? Bottom line is: is there any love left?

You did not say where your wife is? in treatment, or up the river in Egypt

(de-nile)

You are in a good possistion, Drivers seat.

Talk to your children first, then tell your wife "treatment ,DBT, or you are gone!

With treatment & hard work, on both your parts, you can, as I did, have a wonderfull life together. I wish my life had changed sooner.

P.S. I was in you shoes without children @ your age, now we are having best time of our marriage

It is often said they they will retreat to being hermit-like when their looks go and their shyte no longer works. Then they might seek out attention in other ways, such as unexplained ailments and the like.

They are the mean bitter old people, who's hobby is to complain about everything. :)

I've often wondered the same thing. I am only one month out of a 9year r/s with uBPD gf. The rages were very common during our first four or five years. These subsided with the addition of Prozac which she was prescribed for anxiety. However, all other traits, lying, attention seeking, emotional/economic abuse, cheating were still there. She is now a train wreck and I can clearly see her BPD in full force. She is now 35.

My FIL got better with age.  However, since my H is an alcoholic, he's not getting better with age.

Does your wife drink or use drugs?

YMMV.

My exBPDgf got worse with age. She went from mostly sweet with BPD moments 30 yrs ago, to evil spawn of Satan with sweet moments more recently.

I hadn't seen her father in many years, saw him and asked how she was... . his comment "same as she ever was... . only more so"... and that seems to describe it.

She had become more absolute in her thinking, much better at manipulating (and she was good before)... and just about impossible to stop arguing... I decided to keep at it just to see how long she would go... . after 7 hrs I left, convinced that I didn't want to ever be around someone that would argue 7 hrs ... . mostly in circles.

Why do you wonder if it gets worse with age? Is the hope it is a phase that passes, or they grow out of it? Not likely. That the person mellows out and the symptoms decrease... . possible ... . most people kind of become easier going as they get older... but it sure isn't something you can count on.

I've been told that men with BPD often mellow out a bit as their testosterone levels decrease.  However, H uses a T cream, so his levels will always be high.  I hate that he uses it.  It's for vanity's sake... . to grow muscles like a teenaged boy. 

 My diagnosed BPD S.O. has been in my life for nearly 6 years now and to be honest I think she is getting worse as she gets older , she is still beautiful, but she is aware her looks are starting to fade ( in her case much of it is possibly due to alcohol, stress, smoking, drugs and suchlike) she is now 31 but wants to stay a 22 year old beach babe all her life.  She is resentful of younger women.  She has become more secretive, less communicative, more paranoid about many aspects of her environment, the world is a dark and menacing place for her, she is more suspicious.  I saw a specialist who trains counsellors and who has several clients who have BPD , to try to get some advice on how to relate to her , and he commented that in his experience many in fact get worse as they get older.