BPDFamily.com

I've been a user of these boards for some time now, although I'm more the type that reads & learns from other members posts & don't really say much myself.

We all know that the people with BPD move on quickly, often before the end of the preceding relationship, and don't seem to look back as they leave us in their wake in a broken & confused heap. On the surface (and possibly below also) it seems very cold & we struggle to comprehend such a lacking of empathy.

It's a much much talked about issue on these boards but I've come to wonder what experiences other members have had, when after the break up & subsequent 'healing time' they themselves have moved on?

How do the exBPD's take the news that they've been replaced & we now give our affections to someone who doesn't abuse us? My personal experience was that my ex was a huge control freak & I for one, am expecting great problems when i move on with someone else, and hoping that new person will be very understanding of my past possibly sneaking up behind us!

Is it common to have trouble from the BPDex when they learn they're not needed anymore?

Moonie, to be honest I don't care what my ex thinks about me moving on. With time I no longer lament on things like that.

:light: we needed them just as much as they needed us.

From my experience when my expwBPD's ex husband started dating after she left him she was very judgmental of the new woman. She despised his first GF. Later he met someone new who he is still with. For awhile she was cordial and friends with her but as time has passed she now despises her too.

My BPDbf dumped me.  I went on a date two weeks later and he went nuclear.  It was too soon, disrespectful to our relationship, etc.  I actually felt guilty.  Guilty on the date and guilty when he berated me for it.  It's been a month now and I don't think I'd feel guilty anymore.  And that makes me happy.  It makes me feel like I'm making progress. 

At first I took some comfort in his reaction.  Like oh, good, he still loves me.  Now I believe  it was just more evidence that it was all about him.  Always.  His needs, his feelings, his timetable. 

I'd echo Clearmind. What does it matter at this point? I'd say it varies from person to person. Mine broke things off with me (the first and only time) and hasn't looked back as far as I can tell. Maybe she actually did know she was sparing me a life of misery.

My BPD STBXW destroyed my first attempt at dating after we had been apart for 8 months. Contacted my date and unloaded on her. My date was a healthy person who simply told me she was not going to deal with someone like this in my life.  My X has been living her with new man for 10 months.  Can you ever rid yourself of a person with BPD?

I don't know if it's common for them to be trouble or not.Mainly because I don't really care anymore.In time you'll get this way also.I do know that exBPDgf tried to persuade someone she "thought" I was seeing.It backfired on her. ExBPDw also did the same.Same results.Most will see the disorder for what it is,so don't worry about it.We didn't and there was a reason for that.

I don't even mention it to whomever I go out with now,unless they ask.It's just a small part of my past and I'm busy building a new future.  :)

Just take care of yourself and go on living.

This question often gets asked a lot on here when we are still deeply attached to them and their feelings. Our minds can often get caught up in the tit for tat game of "what if the shoe were on the other foot?"

Unfortunately... . (and this is good) most of us on here are not mentally ill. Therefore it would be truly difficult for us to instantly replace a person whom we really loved by painting them black. When we are healthy we mourn and grieve the relationships and reflect on what worked and didn't work.

Our BPD's cannot do this because they're mentally ill.

What we really want to know is do they care, do they get jealous and do their insecurities get stirred up. We want to know if dating others hurts them as much as their betrayal of us hurt us.

I think if we abandon them cruelly and move on with another person like they often do us ... . then of course they'd be in immense pain; especially if they don't have a replacement lined up.

I think the answer is less about how they feel and more about understanding that they are in pain all the time. They are not happy with the new replacement and they have not scratched their mental illness out of their scalp like dandruff flakes. They're mentally ill and they take it with them in their new relationships. They don't shake BPD off or put it in a mailbox. It lives inside of them and it's painful. They carry a lot of baggage and it's very painful hiding this disorder day in and day out.

I don't think it's a good idea to date another person to make a BPDex jealous. It screams of emotional immaturity on our parts and is simply unfair to the new person to involve them in the "make the ex jealous" game.

My ex lives across the street and I have since dated... . but it wasn't for his viewing pleasure... . it was because I was finally able to detach and accept that he's sick in the head and heart and not the one for me.

Spell

Even when me and my ex would split up, and if she were to suspect that I was moving on, she would rage at me, attempt to guilt me etc.

So, in my opinion, if you're moving on, keep a low profile, just to avoid unnecessary drama.

I know my ex is a type to make a public scene, so I keep a low profile. Its calmer (and safer) that way.

Well if it doesn't seem to bother them that it hurts you that they've quickly moved on to someone then I suppose logically it shouldn't bother them that you've moved on either. Now we know that's not always the case. It seems many here including myself put the feelings of our ex first. We don't want to hurt their feelings... . they're fragile... . they're going thru a lot, etc. But sooner or later that all gets to be draining and it leaves no room for moving forward. You get stuck in an endless cycle of living your life for their sake and their fragileness. And as I've seen here, the fragile part of them never goes away overnight.

I have not chosen to date as of now. Not because I don't want to hurt my exes feelings. But because I'm not ready and fully done with my own healing process. At the rate I'm going it doesn't look like I'll be ready to date for a while. I refuse to fill a void by dating someone. I think It's best for me to learn to love myself before I try to love someone else. My ex said at the end that a relationship is about two happy people. I dont think he ever was happy... . even before he met me.

I know my ex would not be happy if he found out I was dating. He would be angry, which would be hypocritical of him. If he can't even be happy that I recently got promoted at work I highly doubt he'd be happy I found someone new. If I did start dating I'd keep it on the downlow til I knew it was getting serious. And out of respect I'd tell my ex. I'd dread telling him but for our dynamic, I'd be transparent about it.