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I am almost 10 month out with NC. The last week I had some PTSD re-triggering from another old wound and fell into a bit of a slump. I started to think of exBPD again.

I woke up this morning with a longing for her sex, Suddenly I remembered how she taunted me with my urge for morning sex in her devaluing phase.

What a jerk she was! Pure and simple. I don't need to figure her out. She's gone and isn't coming back and that's a good thing.

It's funny ... . but this simple "mantra" pulled me out of my other funk too. The people associated with my past trauma were jerks too.

Victim no more.

Same happened to me sadly, She always use to taunt me with sex but never gave it to me. It angered me so much, why was she so mean! Anyways I'm trying to go on with my life and hopefully I will meet a better person in the future. There has to be someone out there that won't treat me like complete trash and make me feel completely worthless. Sigh but I still miss her   

Hi Mr gaga and Nolisan

I hear ya, I got the same thing from my ex?uBP male partner. He used sex against me as a weapon, it was only ever on his terms, and when he wanted it. If I initiated it, he would push me away, but if he wanted it, and I was too tired, or hurt from his last (and usually recent) abuse to me, hell hath no fury.

I would be threatened with him finding another woman because he had 'needs'. The way he acted, you would think we only did it once a year! not several times per week, (sometimes per day during the first two years).

Ironically, later when our relationship became long distance, (because he refused to stop abusing me and he had to return to his elderly parents) he would then accuse me of only spending time with him at nights, implying that I treated him like a booty call!

Yet, he thought nothing of initiating sex with me, and within minutes of our intimacy being over, he would turn on me like a scorpion, or black widow spider, and eat me alive.

This was killing to my spirit and soul and I don't believe I will recover from this for the rest of my life. I really loved this man, and gave him everything on a plate, but he spat on it, and told me it wasn't good enough, none of it, and neither was I according to him.

He had me believing that I deserved his verbal abuse, threats of violence, and the rest. Silly me for believing it. I guess I felt like I deserved it, because I simply had male friends when I met him.

I was totally honest with him at the start, and he used it to destroy me, and then used it to justify abusing me, because it 'looked bad'.

Yet, I offered him the chance to meet every one of my male friends, (there were only really 4 and two of them were mates through past employment). He said they were all scum, and he would murder them all if they came near this house.

That's when I knew something was terribly wrong with him, I just didn't know what until it was way too late unfortunately.

However, I was putting the tools here into practice, before I even knew what they were, but his rage was so close to the surface, I was on a losing streak before I even started, so any use of logic was gone.

Sorry for that, I do tend to ramble on.

4 years of hardly being able to talk without being talked over or ignored, has done this to me.

I am not going to give this much of my energy but ... .

My ex chose the time for sex too. Part of the control that is needed by the abusive partner. They need that because they feel totally out of control in most of their life. We become the one thing in life that they can control and it gives them some relief.

this was interesting mine in the beginning and through most parts of the relationship wanted sex all the time. But towrds the end I did notice that she rejected me one night when I was attempting to put her in the mood. She told me she wasnt in the and then 5 minutes later she inated it. I remeber think at the time she wsa just trying to control me. I mean reject me, then give me what I wanted, worked perfect I felt bad about myself. expecially when she said I just wasnt turning her on so she had to put herself in the mood.