BPDFamily.com

Do you tell your BPD you are going NC or just do it?

My whole story is on the new board... . it's long and painful.

My ex BPDH not officially divorced yet but will be sometime... . decided to post a picture up on Facebook as a Life Event of his new girlfriend.  This is who he left me for and wouldn't tell me where he was going with all of our cats but 4.  I logged onto my mom's computer b/c I'm living with them now and started up Facebook and the news feed was loaded and there she was... . as his "new relationship - live event" started July 26, 2013... . My butt it started 2 years ago while I supported him for 2 years like a dumb dumb.

I just about flipped... . I got pissed and took him off my friends list, I didn't block him.  Just unfriended him.  We didn't have a good conversation on Friday so maybe that's why he decided to post it up to share with all his friends that he has some skinny girl now compared to me who is overweight.  He is overweight but whatever.

I have found myself looking to see if he has posted anything but most of his posts are just to his friends anyway.  I'm trying to apply for another job... . he has left me so financially screwed it isn't even funny.

I'm just wondering though do you tell them you are going no contact or not.  I still want to know about our cats if something would happen... . and I want maybe 1 or 2 back when I'm out on my own again... . but other than that I don't want to talk with him.  After 6 yrs of being married and 8 years total... . how he can just do this to me I will never understand I don't think.

maybe staying off of facebook is the best thing... . and if you unfriended him you won't be able to see his posts, unless you both have mutual friends and one of you posts on their wall.

You could do this either way, but stick with it... . let him know about your cats and let him no you need space and do not want to talk with him. Or you can just do NC, and after a while if he tries to get in touch with you, stick with your boundaries and stay at NC.

Yes, a total of 8 years is a long time, but this is common with pwBPD to just up and end a relationship and move onto the "so called" next best thing.

Focus on yourself now, and what you want out of life and also decide which is easier NC or a quick note to let him know about your cats, either way, stick with NC and move forward in life, it may be hard right now, but it does get easier in time, esp if there is no contact made between you both.

I wish you the best!

A conversation tends to set up for an argument, judgement and blame.

Back away - as Vindi suggested.

Keep it simple, if you talk, focus on your needs not blame and then follow through with your actions so not to give mixed messages to you or him.

Peace,

SB

I may just need to leave facebook alone... . I don't know if it really does anyone any good, I know it does pets and animals good but that's about it.  I check a link she posted on Saturday and it justs make the pain worse and feelis like a knife in my heart.  She must be crazy too though because I really don't know what women in their right mind would drive from TN to PA to get a guy she never met or I assume she never met and sleep with him and then take him back home with her, with all the cats too and she's allergic to them.  I have to start to let that go but rigth now I just want to cry again.

Crying is how we let go... . you will be ok and it won't hurt like this forever.

Take really good care of you right now - be your own best friend. 

i told him. retrospect- wish i hadnt. this may sound mean but i wish i had just done it out of nowhere, made him feel the loss of control. i guess thats a bit manipulative, but mine really really had me under his thumb

Telling or not telling... . both probably have their pros and cons.

I don't think It's manipulating the situation if you don't inform your ex you're going NC. It's something for your own healing and does not require informing. I agree that there may be possible negative repercussions if you tell your ex. It may end up turning into an argument.

Anikaca77,

I'm sorry to hear you're still in such a state of despair.  I think most would agree that the best bet is simply to go NC at this point, without any grand declarations, etc.  In going through a similiarly emotional time of my own, I've found that any sort of contact at this point is simply agonizing.  It is so hard... . believe me, I know, but give every effort you can towards treating yourself right and not giving 100% of your thoughts to someone that would willingly cause you so much pain.  I do hope things begin to get easier for both of us, and my two cats are sending their love your way.