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 Our r/s was classic push / pull - she would run away when things got to close. Or she would call a time out if I made a mistake. I perceived that as punishment. Who really knows what her motive was.

Twice, when she withdrew, I found and engaged sex workers though the internet. I hadn't done that in abut 5 years while in recovery and single (I had thought about it).

I felt no remorse and even felt justified. It was a secret revenge that I actually savored.

Towards the end of things I suspected that she was sleeping again with her hubi. After the split I found she had a personal ad on a dating site and I had suspicions about that she was up to in her "time outs" from our r/s. I felt even Better about my unfaithful acts = revenge.

But two wrongs don't make a right and if I ever am in another r/s I don't want to do this regardless of the other persons behavior. I need to keep my side of the fence clean.

   Ex would come home from work and go to the neighbor's house across the street for beers with the boys.  Every night.  One night, I got so fed up, I jumped in my car, drove 60 miles, went into a Chilis and started drinking jack and cokes.  Chatted with a jewish scotsman about religion.  Got in my car and drove back.  Not too bright driving 60 miles home after knocking a few back.  Ex called my cell, he said, your daughter is worried about you and I said I'll be home soon.  I never told him where I went (revenge), he would poke, were you at your friend's house?  And I'd say nope.

I don't know why that felt so good.  Probably so sick of being hurt and not knowing how to deal with it all.

Nolisan,

All you can do is take responsibility for your actions and learn from your mistakes. Forgiving yourself is essential; even when we know that what we're doing is wrong. There is no one in this world who's perfect and makes all the right decisions all the time. That's a fantasy.

I said horrible things to my ex. Horrible things to attack his already incredibly low self-esteem and sense of pride. I blew gaskets on him out of pure justified rage and due to my own ignorance about mental illness. When I look back at the things I said and did (including destroying his personal items or chucking them out of the nearest window) I am ashamed. It took a while to feel remorse because I had been so angry at how our relationship was beginning to crumble into fairy dust. In many ways I punished my ex and really didn't care. In my mind; he deserved doses of his own medicine.

While my ex was testing out and screwing his new replacement I took a guy's phone number and went out on a date... . all for a revengeful moment with my  BPD. It was lots of tit for tat behavior that I'm not proud of; including accept calls from the new guy right in front of my BPD.

I forgive myself. I'm human and I had had it up to my neck in being devalued by my ex.

Spell

Cheating and being cheated on both hurt... . I, too have been on both sides of the fence.

I know my own limits and realize why boundaries are crucial to my own psyche.  Forgiving myself didn't truly happen until I was actually cheated on... . I hope you can forgive yourself, it is important.