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So i have been working on putting up boundaries for a long time now and this particular situation sucks. I have been doing good at not doing things for my mom that she can do for herself for awhile but she finally found a way to weasel her way into putting me into a position where i either have to do what she is asking me to do or straight up admit that I cant take this fake facade i have had up for awhile.

She wanted me to take her to her 2nd cataract surgery, i took her to the first one and now that shes getting her eye done she wanted me to take her to the 2nd one.

So I had the perfect out, I just started this new job a few months ago and I have been taking off too much time already. She will have to either find a 3rd party for a ride or ask her 1 friend to do it.

So now shes going to drive herself to the surgery and he friend is meeting her there and taking her home and she needs a way to get her car back and is like, can you take me to my car so i can drive home once i have recovered.

wait why cant her friend just get up a little earlier and take her to the damn surgery, its leaving me in a place where I have no excuses and feel like a jerk that I dont want to give her a ride. Its not the ride itself, its the fact that she is mad that she couldnt get me to take her to the surgery so she found a way to get me to do something in a way that i have no excuses so by saying no, i have been trained all my life by my mom that I'm being uncaring.

It's been eye opening that for a fleeting moment I actually considered just taking her to her car on my lunch hour and not telling my wife just to shut her up (my mom) because my wife is fed up with my mom having puppet strings on me. \

It's not like she really wants me to be there for the surgery, it would be one thing if she was like, look son I'm scared and I am afraid and I would really like your support and help or hey its ok if you cant take me but can you help me get my car it would be a good time to catch up and talk etc bu no, its all about knowing that she still can pull my strings when she wants to. The fact that I had even a momentary thought of lying to my wife about it was such a red flag to me that it has taken me another step closer to feeling my real emotions about my mom, and the fact that I feel like she has used me her whole life and has never really loved me.

So now i have this dangling text message if i can give her a ride to her car or not that I'm just ignoring right now and I know when I do say no because there's no easy out / excuse its going to turn into some kind of guilt trip about being a burden when i flat out say no. It's like she has purposely stripped away all my excuses so I either have to fold like a deck of cards or stand up for myself and keep boundaries.       

Any advice on how to stand my ground, and get further into admitting that I shouldnt have these overwhelming feelings of guilt and self hatred over if i can take my mom to her car or not,.  I just feel like when i finally say no its going to trigger a blow up and with me just finally starting to open my wounds and face the truth I'm afraid I'm going to backslide as soon as she pulls out an old trick...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Hi Gadget,

I can see where you're torn here... . you don't want to give in, but at the same time, you feel an obligation to your mom, right? That's not fun, for sure.

You've made some good points. It's ok for you to want to focus on your new job. It has to be frustrating to have your wife second guess you. It would also be a good idea to have your mother's friend drop her off AND pick her up from her surgery. Is that an option? Could your mother take a cab to the doctor's office instead of driving herself over there?

It's not uncaring to need to look after yourself. Sometimes we have to put our own needs first. How would you explain to your mother that she needs to find another way to get to the doctor's office?

Hi Gadget,

    The big issue is when are you going to stop letting your mother pull your strings. The problem with driving her to cataract surgery is only one part of the big issue.

    If your mother wasn't BPD she would try to be independent and make her own travel arrangements. Can you afford to pay for a taxi?

    Choosing your wife over your mother was a great choice. How about taking the issue one step further and discussing it with your wife? I did it 44 years ago and it brought our marriage closer together. You might also be shocked by the good advice she gives you.

    It says in many places in the bible that a man shall leave his father and mother and be united with his wife.  That means cut the strings, go for it.    

     

Yep, guilt will do it everytime. Gadget42, she and her friend had it all situated however it was your guilt that put you in a place of feeling like you were compromising yourself. This breeds resentment.

Your childhood conditioning is speaking right now. That little child inside of you, whose mother rained control over is now an adult with adult privileges. Stand in front of the mirror and repeat "Saying No is more than OK". Mom cannot abuse or abandon you as an adult.

Little Gadget42 is feeling right now. Move out of the conditioning that was prescribed on you as a child to obey (for fear of abuse).