BPDFamily.com

I called to confirm my kid's doctor's appointment today.  STBX-Hubby has been telling me not to make one, just to be a jerk.  It's a routine appointment.  Anyway, I called to confirm it and they said it was scheduled for next week, not this week.  I am pretty sure I scheduled it for today.  I even double checked last week.  I think hubby called and changed it to get back at me, but can't prove this.  I don't want to be paranoid, but he has done such gaslighting things to me before.

I changed the new date to one that's convenient for me.  He just asked about the appointment, I told him it was rescheduled, and he said, "Oh, well, that time isn't convenient.  Wait until I'm ready to make one."

I can't keep waiting.  I told him I am keeping this appointment.  But he is insisting I change it.

Let's say he calls and cancels it again.  Spending $5,000 to go to court over this behavior seems a waste.  I don't want to ask for a custody eval because I already have good custody and don't want to spend that kind of money.  We have joint legal but I have residential except for like 3 nights per month. 

Wondering if I can hire a parenting coordinator to help us run things more smoothly.  Or am I just out of luck and have to put up with this forever?  (Yes I have a lawyer I can ask, I just have called her a lot this week and want other opinions.)

If your hubby was calling to cancel your appointments for the kids, what would/could you do?

I've had this happen.  in the grand scheme of things it's not much.  And what I've done, or been able to do - nearly nothing.  The dr's don't want to get in your business.  A parenting coordinator may work, but the chances of getting one that can deal with PD may be slim.  I know in county the court appointed psychologist and PD's are classified as "sucks."

Maybe just make all the appts yourself.  don't tell the ex, it's just not worth it. 

How did he know there was an appointment in the first place?

Don't tell the kid about it til the last minute, so the kid won't tell the other parent.

Don't mention it to the other parent.  Just take the child to the doctor.

That's what I do too. Good advice from Matt.

Sharing custody doesn't mean you have to inform him of routine well-child checks. "Your honor, momtara took the kids to well-child checks without my consent."

Judge, "And?"

That kind of thing. If you do opt to get a parenting coordinator involved, I have some things to say about the topic  :) Been there, and it worked out very well for me. But I also read the research about them and talked to a handful of people who had awful experiences. You need to find one who is a psychologist, not a lawyer. And ask lots of questions about why s/he got into that role. Some people refer to PCs are trash cans for money. In my case, N/BPDx became so dysregulated when the PC set limits that it worked in my favor. It was so clear to her that he had a PD. Oh, and then he threatened her. So she became the smoking gun during trial for me to get sole custody. She is also the person who trains PCs in our area, and is considered the best there is in my court system.

My son's GAL was described to me as the best.  I looked up the GAL and GAL is on an editorial board for an ABA children's rights newsletter.  But as well as my lawyer spoke well of GAL, GAL was still just a lawyer, trying to walk in the middle.  Even my lawyer got frustrated.

Can you ask the doctor's staff to add a note to the account to record which parent made the appointment and not let the other parent change it?  Strangely enough, lots of doctor software doesn't handle the needs of high conflict parenting.

The reason I told him is that he wants to be involved in all decisions, has been claiming I am withholding information, and has a tendency to get revenge.  I am afraid that if I don't tell him, then next time he has the kids, he will take them to a doctor without my wanting him to.  The kids are on my insurance and I would get the bill.  

He did this last year, took our son to the ER saying I had hit him (I hadn't) and it's one of the things that led to be getting a restraining order.

Anyway, I just fear revenge.  

I guess I am just learning a lesson.

I am annoyed I spent $1,000 on a lawyer letter telling my hubby to stop withholding consent, because I re-read our agreement and I don't actually need his consent.

So let's play this out... .

When the kids are with you, you decide to take them to the doctor, for a check-up or for a minor thing like a cold.  You take them, your insurance covers the cost (and you pay a small co-pay), and afterward you send him a short e-mail:

Just thought I'd let you know, I took the kids for their check-up with Dr. GP.  No problems except D has a little rash so the doctor suggested Benadryl.

His reaction:

* He might appreciate this small courtesy and respond in kind.  Great!

* Or he might get mad and act out in some way - a nasty e-mail response maybe - and you share that with your lawyer, building a file with evidence he is not a capable parent.

* Or next time he has the kids, he takes them to the doctor without informing you, and you find out about that - by looking at your insurance bill - and you call the doctor to find out what happened - and then you have a record that he took the kids to the doctor for no good reason, right after you told him you took them for check-ups.

So what's the risk here?

You've got a point.  I guess I'm just still trying to keep him calm and happy. 

Plus, I don't know what other type of thing he might do for revenge.  It's always small, annoying stuff.

OK, point taken - I have to let him stop messing with my head.

He just tends to get focused on the wrong things.  I want him to know that I tried my best to keep him in the loop.  Things do stick in his craw.