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Greetings!  The bitterness is all but gone--save a small, itsy-bitsy remnant which, by-the-way, could take hold if fed/watered.    Without going into too much detail, my dBPDh and I have been NC/LC---LC---LC with my uBPD FOO for 5 years.  There were a number of contributing factors---many connected to the BPD/UBPD dance.  My cousin's uBPDh, uBPDs and my dBPDh became attached at the hip, so-to-speak... . causing major conflict/strife in my cousin's world.   The result?  NC.   

This year has been an interesting one regarding their attempts to interact w/us.  Not as a couple, of course, but separately.  My cousin has stopped by my workplace for several brief visits.  She even brought by a birthday gift  (we both turned 50 this year).  Simultaneously, her uBPDh and my dBPDh have had several brief interactions... . even played golf together a time or two... . only when my cousin was out-of-town.  *) 

Before the "Break-Up", my cousin would call quite often to share whatever mini-drama was going on in her life.  I would listen, listen, and encourage, encourage... . being mindful to avoid slinging advice and exhibiting a judgmental attitude.  She hasn't done that in years... . I mean years.  Anyway, a couple of days ago, she called wanting to share and of course, I was willing to listen, listen and encourage, encourage... . being mindful to avoid shining a HUGE SPOTLIGHT ON THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!  Yes, this is progress, I think.  Then again, I may not hear from her for 6 months.  But, that's how they roll. 

We're willing to reciprocate their attempts but refrain from initiating.  We were hurt.  We felt like we were judged, then "dumped" for the very same behavior patterns they exhibit.  Too much dysfunction in the same playpen, I suppose. 

Thoughts? 

What role did you play in the dysfunctional dance? What areas do you see in your life or skill set that you would like to improve?

How are you feeling about the relationship with your cousin right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

PFC--Thank you for responding.  I appreciate your ability to ask poignant questions which spark reflection and self-evaluation.

Answering the last question first while pondering (avoiding-- :)) the former, let me say I am pleased.  As long as my cousin continues to initiate, I will do my best to respond with temperance and respect.   However, the elephant still looms in the shadows and I don't know how long I can follow without at least, acknowledging its existence.   

More later... .

Ah... . Let's dive in.  "What role did you play in the dysfunctional dance?".  Good question.  Although I wasn't a "wallflower", my participation was selective.  I danced when I wanted, maintained my own "dance card" (agenda) but failed to "cut-in" when I should have.  My role?  Observer. 

As with most relatives, my cousin and I share several common personality traits but we differ greatly in our approach to dysfunctional behavior.   She labels.  I question. She debates.  I negotiate.  She directs.  I facilitate.  Both enablers; both tolerant of extreme behavior. However, when my dBPDh and her uBPDh/uBPDs started hanging out together on a regular basis, they began to undermine/challenge the boundaries... . mainly hers.  This created a need for teamwork and familial boundaries but I did little to help bring that about.  Why?  Again, a good question.

More later... .