BPDFamily.com

My gf was diagnosed with BPD early in the year. We've been together for 1 year, and as I'm sure others have experienced, we've had quite a few ups and downs to say the least. The past 2-3 weeks, I've been getting the cold shoulder and she's been quite distant with me. It's been sometime since we had our last date, but she responds to me on skype with short responses, and they mostly across as very cold. I try not to take it personally, though. She did say awhile back that we need some space, and although we've had some, I didn't want it to get to a point where she feels /too/ distant or abandoned. It's difficult to find balance, but I'm sure you all know what it's like.

She's been away for a couple of days now. She's been pretty busy this summer, and I try to respect her space. However, I'd really like to make use of the DEARMAN and SET tools to open up communication again. I want to understand how she's feeling, instead of being shut out. She says she's 100% great, but I'm not sure of that. I thought that she might have split me black, but she's talking to me and at times, it seems like she's trying to protect me. After all, I've had some major personal troubles lately. We haven't really argued either, though I know I need to work on validation. She's said she doesn't want to go into a deep conversation yet, but I'm wondering what to say when I get the chance to talk to her again today.

Is there any advice you guys have, or suggested things I could say to open up such communication? I'm lost here, but I want to try.

Hi KeiKei

Welcome to the community!

I know only too well what you mean, as I think everyone here does. This is just he way people with BPD function. It's great that you're working on not taking in personally, it might take a while to get there. I struggled with it for a while, but educating myself of BPD and being mindful of radical accaptance (Radical Acceptance for family members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0)) helped me a lot.

Keeping it light is good, validating is good.

What would you like to say?

If you would like to address her behaviour, I recommend you do that at another time, when things are calm and going well, using SET or DEARMAN. For today, I would keep it light, just normal talk. Nothing  (at this time) that will be seen as blame, such as I was confused, I was worried, you acted so cold etc.

I'm not entirely sure what I'd like to say. I know not to address her behaviour, that's for sure. I'd like a way to ask her or talk to her about communicating more, so I can understand. I want to understand. I'm not sure how to ask her how we can communicate better, that's basically it. I know validation is important, though.

Hi There,

Sounds pretty much like she is going through a push cycle. This is something people with abandonment issues do. I doubt she's painted you black as such but I guess she just feels a little overwhelmed by you at the moment. I suggest you do a little reading on pull/push cycles.

I've read a fair bit about push/pull cycles, but I'm still wondering how I would go about dealing with it... or not. We've had space and all, but I don't know how long to keep at it. I'm trying to find the right balance for me.

Hi KeiKei  *welcome*

I think "balance" is the key  |iiii It's a very personal thing.

The balance between communication and just letting her be, the balance of doing your own stuff when she's pushing you away and interacting with her... . it will never be perfect, but you need to know how much you can take at any one time, because your own emotional health is crucial.

From my experience, not everything can be dealt with, even though we may want them.  Like communication- for me and uBPDh, if I say that he should communicate more with me, it either becomes my fault, or he does nothing about it.  Neither changes the situation so I will have to change my method and work around it.  It's not fair, but no relationship is completely "fair".  We just try our best to improve the relationship and make it work better.

Welp. She just dumped me a little while ago. Said there was absolutely no attraction, that she feels nothing for me. Completely apathetic, aside from a violent outburst in-between. She wasn't hurt by it at all, still 100% great etc. She shown absolutely no remorse, which I hear is the norm? I'm guessing I've been painted black. She's gone now, so yeah. Whether she'll be back or not remains to be seen, but I'm okay now that I'm not guessing what the problem was. All of it pretty much came from left field, so I'm guessing this is dissociation and psychosis among other things.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Where do you stand in all of this? Would you like her back?

I'm trying not to take it personally, but it had been brewing. She'd been real distant for 3 weeks or so, then this. It's difficult to see whether those were her true feelings, or whether the illness has pushed her over the edge. She doesn't want to be friends either, which was strange, seeing as I've never been abusive towards her. She wants no more contact, and tells me to move on.

Sure, I'd like her back, but I don't think she'll be back. I'm 50/50 on that, considering I'm still relatively new to reading about BPD. That, and it's the first major break up where she has shown literally no empathy or feelings at all.

Well, then for the time being then maybe it'll be helpful for you to read and post on Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0). The lessons there on communication and tools like boundaries and validation will be helpful for you if/when you get back in touch.

It might also help you to read the Workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0)

Hang in there, we're with you!

I spent a good deal of time before joining, just reading through the lessons and whatnot. I was hoping it would have helped, but she exploded on me before I even got a chance  to say anything meaningful. I know for sure I've been painted black, so I don't expect to see her any time soon. I'm holding onto a little hope that she may return sometime, but hope is kind of hard to come by for me.

On one hand, I'm relieved that a weight has been lifted, and I don't feel too sad. On the other hand, it's had a bit of a numbing effect on me. Not too sure how to feel after being told such things. I imagine a lot of people have felt the same way after being spewed with bile and hate from the one they love/loved.

Yes, you're definitely not to only one to feel this way, you're in the right place for understanding and support.

|iiii It's great that you've read a lot already. It takes time - and practise - to get it right. And even the most experienced of us doesn't get it right all the time. What I, and many other, have found helpful is to make a post with an example/situation from our daily life, with details on he said/she said etc. It might help you even now, just to get some help sorting through things.

I wish you health and happiness on your journey

To be honest, I don't know what to say. I feel like I've been simultaneously punched in the gut and kicked in the balls. We had originally met online and hit it off from the get go. We held off on meeting for a few months and since the start, she was needy/depressed/self-harming, but also loving/affectionate/attentive etc. I didn't understand the disorder back then, and I was almost indifferent to it. I was still supportive of it, yet she chased and chased, wanting my attention and love. I eventually gave it to her and she seemed much more stable for awhile. Meeting up was difficult for us both in the beginning, as I suffered from extreme anxiety and carried past emotional scars which killed my confidence.

She says she was attracted to this fantasy of who I was online. I was more confident and full of myself on there, but she can't seem to grasp the fact that being online allowed me to be myself without being judged. It was in essence, my comfort zone. It's much more difficult to be that way in the open, but I've gradually closed the gap in differences. She noticed this and praised it after our last date at the beginning of July. After that though, she became more distant. Then my mom became ill and she became colder and she disappeared for days on end. Then the explosion hit earlier. She fell for the fantasy me, and all attraction and feelings are gone now. Complete apathy.

Now, for a regular relationship, I've never experienced rejection to that level. Even when I've been hurt before by someone else, we remained friends. There was hurt and remorse on both sides. Here though, there's nothing on her side. I'm more-or-less dead to her. I might as well have killed her family or physically and emotionally abused her for such treatment, but I've done no such thing. I've always been supportive, loving, attentive. I stayed with her during her low points and I never gave up on her. She absolutely refuses to acknowledge any good deed.