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OK, so if I understand things right, my uBPDw is of the "hermit" variety... . Stays at home, pretty much doesn't go out unless I'm with her, doesn't do much around the house, etc.

She apologizes nearly constantly sometimes. "I'm sorry the dogs are barking" "I'm sorry the dogs barking bothers me" "I'm sorry for being sorry" "I'm sorry I'm complaining again"

I've tried telling her that it's to the point that it's meaningless, that she's apologizing for things that are either out of her control (the dogs barking), things that she doesn't need to apologize for (having feelings, etc), for not doing things that I told her not to do (had a super emotional day so needed time to recover, told her to relax, etc). I still get constant "Sorry!" It's become her default response almost. "Hi sweetie, how was your day" "I'm sorry, I didn't get anything done." ... . "Um, OK, I thought you were going to relax today anyway." ... . "I'm sorry I've upset you" ... . "Um... . I just walked in the door, you haven't upset me." ... . "Well, I'm sorry I got confused about it"

I've tried to explain that it makes me feel like she thinks I'm an ogre who is constantly made and is forcing apologies out of her... . I've tried pointing out that it's empty and meaningless. I've tried apologizing back (don't do that, just made things worse).

I don't know how to address this or get it across that it's driving me crazy.

lostandunsure ... . I appreciate your frustration... . the repitition must be frustrating... .

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons here on "validation"... . In your situation I think they may really help... .

regards, Newton

Hi Lostandunsure and  *welcome*


It might help you if you saw her use of the word "sorry" as a kind of defense mechanism.  Her use of the word "sorry" has more to do with what she's feeling and going through than it is a reflection upon how sensitive or upset you may or may not be with the things she's "sorry" about.

For example, she say she's "sorry the dogs barking bothers [you]" which may or may not be true.  I would even guess that it's no big deal to you that the dogs are barking.  But she's "apologizing" because perhaps the dogs barking are actually bothering her.  But she's projecting the irritation onto you, which is probably the most difficult part: that she's attributing feelings and thoughts to you that are not yours.

I don't think there's any way to stop this behavior because this her coping mechanism for her own feelings and thoughts that she cannot accept about herself.  The best you can do is accept that this is her issue and that it has nearly nothing to do with your behavior.


To be sorry for everything, is to be sorry for nothing.

You can tell her that it means little to you for her to apologize for everything.  But she is not "apologizing" for your benefit, she is saying "sorry" for her own reasons.  Perhaps it may serve you to consider this to be more or less like a nervous tick. 

One behavior to watch out for though, is to not allow the "sorry" to excuse unacceptable behavior.  Just because she apologizes for doing something that is hurtful to you, that you've asked her not to do, but she continues to do it and only apologizes for it later... . this would be a deal breaker for me.

Saying "sorry" is not a get of jail free card.  Saying "sorry" does not make it alright if you cross a line I've asked you not to cross.  Saying "sorry" does not negate the consequences of your actions, especially when there is no commitment behind the "sorry" to not repeat the same offenses in the future.


You see, in her mind, she *needs* to believe that it is you who are upset at here for getting nothing done that day.  She is the one who is upset are herself for getting nothing done.  But she makes you her emotional scapegoat, by projecting that upset onto you.  She is "sorry" you are confused about how you feel, when the truth is she is the one who is confused about how she feels: she is projecting her own unacceptable feelings/behaviors onto you.


If her behavior is driving you crazy, then you have to accept that if you stay in this relationship long enough, it'll drive you crazy.  You shouldn't expect to change her behavior.  You can ask her to change.  And it is her decision whether to change or not.  You can only decide what to do for yourself.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

I’ve actually heard (or read) pwBPD have a difficult time apologizing…  Mine would, two or three days after she’d initiated an unnecessary or staged tantrum.  But what I noticed was how she began to appear, in her eyes, less of a person.  Difficult to describe, but it was as if she was acknowledging to me she had serious, if never ending problems. 

She (still) denies having BPD… so is not ready to deal with her core, but finding herself almost constantly apologizing to me seemed to feed her insecurities ... . and left me thinking it was a definite reason she eventually left me.  Though numerous ‘returns,’ and currently attempting another, the apologizing felt like the ‘beginning of the end.’  Instead of denying and ‘fighting it out,’ as it sounded like her previous r/s’s had been, I listened.  Refusing to fan the flames, she had no one but herself to blame for whatever the (often fabricated) problem was.

I don’t know where yours is at…  sounds pretty clingy from here.  Mine prides herself on ‘bold independence,’ at least that’s the ‘public face’ she attempts to maintain.  So if word got out that she'd ‘apologized’ to anyone … whoops!  Damn… how we so want normal

Newton,

I have a lot of lessons to go through, the hard part is finding the time. It's nearly impossible at night right now and I'm not sure how she'll respond if she sees me going through this site on the weekends... . I will find time, if we're going to make it work (and that's still undecided), I've got to learn better coping skills for myself and better interaction/communication skills with her.

schwing,


And this is what I feel like she's doing at times. Like she's sending a barrage of "I'm Sorry's" to head off some perceived blow up, even though I'm never upset with her, I know that if I say anything really that it's a trigger and so, most of the time, I keep my mouth shut.


And, that's probably it. She's upset with herself, so in her mind I must be upset with her as well, so she sends out all these apologies as a kind of preemptive strike against me being upset with her. And on some level, I get that. I just wish I could get her to see that a machine gun approach makes things worse than helps.

Inside,

I would agree that my wife has a hard time with real apologies... . Oh, she'll toss around "I'm sorry's" till she's blue in the face, but they are empty and don't really mean anything.

Unfortunately, my she is very clingy, If I'm not at work, we're together, and that's part of the problem since I would really like some space for me.

I have experienced the same thing. My girlfriend and I were caught in this cycle of her throwing tantrums and then apologizing profusely for the whole thing. She would apologize for everything, even the littlest things that had nothing to do with her. It's very frustrating and draining.

aah, I would be lucky to get two sorrys in a year. even those once in a blue moon apologies would be wrapped around all the misfortune in her life and how it is not really her fault/she had no choice etc etc. i guess your SO's constant apologies are her way of seeking validation/making sure you don't leave her... .

elessar: "i guess your SO's constant apologies are her way of seeking validation/making sure you don't leave her... . "

Yes, this is probably it. It just so often feels like, "You can't criticize me since I've already apologized for everything." And really I can't criticize her, if I do, she falls completely apart, even if it's something small and inconsequential.