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It's embarrassing that these things have been said to me, by someone I loved, during my relationship.

1st reason being that I'll never know why I didn't see the 'wrongness' of it sooner.

2nd reason is that I normalized it & even ignored a lot of it most of the time.

1  "I' always made friends easily but couldn't keep them. Your friends will like me at first"

2  "Affairs... . everybody's at it"

3  "I've always been a hot head & the wrath of my tongue will take anybody down. If you can't take the     heat, you know what to do"

4   "I'm bad to the bone"

5   "You won't break me, you're no match for me & I'm better at this game than you"

6   "If you trust people they have everything they need to hurt you"

7   "You can't rely on anybody, but yourself, the sooner you learn that the safer you are"

8   "Everybody leaves in the end"

9   "If I'm so bad why do you love me?"

10   "I'll always be ok, I have to be ok"

Yes you will if you dig deep enough.


Where does this come from? Often we are rescuers/care takers and relish in the role as it provides value. Find your reasons Moonie as to why you chose to ignore the red flags and why you stayed despite it all.

The one quote from my uNPDexH  I should've listened to, and been afraid of, was:

"Revenge is best served cold"

Oh, boy! Am I living with that now!

Ishenuts, what's shes exacting 'revenge' on you for?

I've been put through the ringer, god knows, I really have... . More than many more fortunate & less than many less fortunate! But I can't think of anything she's done which would come under exacting revenge on me.

On reflection, maybe my last post was wrong.

I was often, very often, punished for not complying. In the last 18 months of the relationship this was particularly more commonplace & the punishments more extreme. Maybe those punishments were indeed revenge for not complying?

Can't quite believe I forgot this one! Possibly the biggest, in your face raw face slapping wake up projection from the deepest parts of a disturbed person?

Came in text message form just hours after our first break up in 2011... .

"You've never loved anybody, not properly anyway"

A year later when a friend was explaining to me what projection was, that text message came racing back to the front of my thoughts. That text above everything else that had been said! It haunted me for quite some time & I used to question myself on whether she had subconsciously candidly told me she wanted to love me properly, but she didn't know how to?

From an email after I found out he was cheating:

"Everything is always on my terms.  Thats probably f*ed up but it works for me and if people dont want to be on my terms i dont have a problem with distancing them."

I have this on a sticky note stuck on my computer in case I am even tempted to write or answer an email. 

Yup.  And "Whoever is sharing a bed with me, I control their world."  That was one thing she didn't lie about; she believed it to be true and acted as if it was.  I let her get away with it for too long, but when I was done, I was done.  This one's gonna be on my terms sweetheart: see ya.

Bananas... . smart move.

|iiii

Moonie, this is called co-rumination. Bringing up this situation, talking about it now with others is only re-injuring yourself with this pain from your past relationship.

It's best to work to detach by bringing to focus back to you. Why did you stay in this relationship? Why did you ignore flags such as these? 

If I'm honest, I'm not not sure which of a number of reasons is the true answer to that question.

Maybe I have now experienced the true blindness of love?

Maybe I'm as ill as she is, but in ways which bring harm to only MY mental well-being & don't smash up the souls of others?

Maybe I didn't know what a 'red flag' was & couldn't see something I didn't know existed?

Or maybe I just met somebody I was no match for & I've been eaten & spat out?