BPDFamily.com

Hi All-

My huge long post in the newbie board... . basically my stbxBPDh had an emotional affair in 2011 for a few months with a women.  Things hit the fan big time then... . when I found out she was married as well.

We managed to try to get over it... . it took a long long time... . but I tried and I thought he was trying.  Anyway, so we split up last month, he left on July 6.  He didn't want me there to help load our cats or anything so I spent Friday with them and him as well.  We did really well throughout the whole thing, until I realized I still had feelings for my husband before he left and knew it wouldn't change anything... . but that Friday night he met the women whom he cheated on me with and of course you all can guess what happened.  I was pissed that he would leave the cats on their last night and all that but that's over with now.

So for the first two weeks or so all I did was have sexual dreams about him.  I hated it.  I keep wondering why am I know feeling so sexual yet in our relationship I wasn't even interested.  May due to all the stress.  He was off work for the past two years and I supported him.

The thing is... . I have all this sexual feelings that I need to get out... . and so I thought I would browse the craigslists ads... . well I found one... . talked with the guy back and fourth for a while... . but then I find out he is married.  I figured well... . what the hell go for it anyway because you have all this emotion pent up and you need to get it out.

Well that’s easier said then done for me.  We met at a hotel, sat and talked and I just couldn’t do it.  I don’t know if it was because he was married and that I felt bad for his wife.  But I was glad afterwards that I didn’t do it.  But this morning I’m now having second thoughts and thinking I should contact him because it’s just something I need to get out.

I’m just confused and wish I didn’t feel so sexual.

Why do you think you were glad that you didn't do it?  Was it only because you felt bad for his wife?  Your gut was telling you something then. 

Good people doing bad things does not = feeling better.

After I got abruptly dumped and my sex life suddenly dissapeared, I met a very very handsome guy through an ad. Had sex no emotional connection and the sex was boring.  He was single. I felt bad because the sex was so ugggh but then I knew casual sex was not for me. I don't regret it it helped.  Never did it again. Lots of single people looking to hook up. Keep looking.

Because I think in a way I was trying to get back at my ex and also releave some of my own frustrations but at the same time I felt like it wasn't the right thing to do.  There are plenty of single men I'm sure, I just haven't found them yet.

Sleeping with a married man is not going to help you get back at your ex or solve your frustration - I can tell you that from experience.

Choosing to engage in unhealthy behaviors is counter productive to your healing.  I know you know this.  Keep your head on straight, and try to be creative in developing activities that will help you move forward - ones that you know are the 'right' thing to do for you, and any others that might be effected (ie. his wife).

Keep talking it out here... . there is a lot of confusion during this time, and we've all had thoughts of what we think might help us.  Thankfully, we all try and keep each in check here. 

But what if you just want that one night or one time of hot sex and just get it over with?  Is that such a bad thing?

Just to release some of this sexual energy.

What is the basis of sex for you?  What are you looking for?  If it's just a physical thing, there are other ways to take care of that need.  If it's an emotional need, that is something you might to think about and dig a little deeper, because one night of sex, most likely, will not satisfy this need.

I think this in entirely up to the individual. Similar to What2Knows response; If it's purely something physical you're looking for, by all means go for it! If it something else you are looking for though I would be careful. Only you can answer that question.

Maybe I just operate on a different moral frequency, but I don't understand how going to sleep with a married man could be ANYTHING positive, when YOU YOURSELF know how bad it hurts to have your husband cheat on you. That is the "I got hurt, so I am going to hurt others the same way" attitude.  I run on the "I got hurt, I know how badly it hurts, I'm not going to go and hurt someone else the same way". frequency.

I've heard lots in the way of casual sex helping to get over a breakup.  I think it depends on the person.  But going and doing a hitty thing (sleeping with someone who you know is married) with a hitty person (someone who is willing to cheat on their spouse covertly, when they DO NOT have an open relationship) isn't going to get you anywhere good fast.

A few thoughts

1.  You have alot to deal with already.  Getting involved with a married man will only add to what is already a very complicated situation.  Do you really want that?  If he is disrespecting his marriage like that, what kind of respect do you expect from him?  Don't you think you deserve respect, especially after what you have been through?

2.  I found it very difficult to be intimate with someone other than my ex, at first.  I even cried.  Although it may have been a delusion on my part, I always found the sex, and even kissing my ex very enjoyable.  It was certainly the best I have ever had.  I read an powerful intimacy in it, which was reinforced by a number of things he said to me at the beginning of the relationship.  The memories of this were very strong and I still felt a strong desire to stay "loyal" to my ex, even though he had left me for someone else.  I guess that says something about the principles that I expect to maintain in a relationship.

3.  For me, I have identified that sex is a huge vulnerability.  It is often difficult to tease apart the physical from the emotional.  I know that he used this vulnerability to his advantage at the start of the relationship and it was a refrain in my mind throughout the relationship that kept me in.  Now, I still struggle with this vulnerability and still have fantasies about my ex.  However, being aware that this is a vulnerability of mine, I am choosing to be cautious, despite the difficulty, because I do not want to find myself in another situation that is too much too handle.

4. TAKE YOUR TIME.  You need to appreciate that your spirit is asking you to take the time that is appropriate for it to heal.  Find out what kind of timeline you need.  Don't let anyone push you.  In my case, I know that everything felt extremely rushed in my whirlwind of a relationship.  I was accomodating his timeframe, while he bulldozed mine.  In order to find myself again, I had to establish boundaries.  I desperately wanted to find someone to fool around with, for a variety of reasons.  But, I knew that the only way that I would enjoy it was if it was on my terms, and with someone who would respect that.  I certainly would not want to impose my problems on anyone else, either.  It would not fair to them.

Hope that helps you to read it as much as it helps me to write it,

Whirlwind

I think that you might enjoy the sex or at least getting male attention but then feel crap the next day. It's like drowning your sorrows on a night out-it'll work for that night but then the day after is hell. It's just a quick fix solution.

I would say focus on the long run. You say your "soon to be ex" husband-focus on the logistical side of splitting up... whether that's going to your lawyer, getting a new place etc.

You are entitled and free to be a sexual being (assuming the Taliban aren't a threat to you).  How you feel about having a one-nighter, several one-nighters, or a longer meaningless fling, is up to you.

I will just tell you my own experience.  I know those feelings too well!  After my ex left me, I was grieving but my libido went through the roof.  I badly needed some sexual attention, some physical intimacy.  Yes, I missed love and emotional intimacy too (more so - in fact the physical need was likely stemming from the emotional need), but knew I wasn't for that as I was a raw, mental mess.

I started going out and I met someone who was hurting from a breakup too and we both used each other for a non-serious rebound relationship.  We jumped into bed that night and every opportunity for the next few months.  We were both clear on the fact that it was a rebound and weren't trying to develop something more serious or get our hearts entangled.  It gave me an outlet for my sexual frustration and need for touch.

But perhaps more importantly it acted as a buffer so that the last memories of sex and fun weren't of my ex.   That helped reduce the pain of being left by someone I was in love with, I felt a bit of my personal power and self worth coming back.  I got my physical needs met so my libido calmed down and the rebound relationship ran its course. 

Now that I got that out of my system I don't mind being single and sexually inactive, and don't want any other complication so that can take time and focus on figuring this BPD mess out and healing.  If I hadn't had that rebound, I think the mad rawness of it all would have taken much longer to subside.

One important note here, and I may sound like a broken record.  If you do feel that you need to let out some sexual tension, choose a single man.  Getting involved with a married man is going to add a layer of conflict that may create you more problems than you need right now, in addition to the moral conflict.

I actually did what you are suggesting, with a married man.  I didn't know he was married at first, so I had already started building feelings with him, and my judgment was not in tact, as I was not in my right mind from the break up.  What happened is I transferred all the feelings I wanted to have with my ex, that just weren't possible with him, to the married guy.  After having sex with him, my natural response is to start building an emotional attachment.  Well, that didn't turn out well, as he remained married, and I finally moved on, but having both the break up with my ex and then the married man all happening at the same time made things very confusing.

Just a caveat about having sex after a break up.  You may think it's about releasing sexual tension, but be aware that you may get into something that can lead to more confusion.

It is your choice - choose wisely. 

Received good advice.

Anikaca77, sometimes we can use sex for validation.

In my best "Shriek" (the movie Donkey voice) PICK ME PICK ME... . :)

But really you probably should go with the other are saying before my post.

The guys are in the same boat, but it's way harder ( no pun intended) for a guy to score.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do just yet.  There is still a lot of emotions going through my head.  I appreciate everyone's comments on this.  I have one guy that I've been chatting to and he is single... . I haven't met him yet but I did inform him that I am separated and working on divorce and I told him for now I just want to meet as friends as I'm going through a bit of adjustments right now, moving in with my parents again, etc.  I'm meeting with a lady on Aug. 12th whom will hopefully put a referral in for me to meet with a lawyer and see about getting any help with a divorce.

I think I am going to try to meet this person even if we can just be friends so I can hopefully be able to vent or express my feelings too.  I know my husband has moved on and he's with his new women... . he always has to have someone... . I never did I was single a lot when I was younger I think a lot of that was because of my weight, etc. but now I'm finding a lot more people think I'm cute even though I am overweight.  It kinda gives you a boost when someone tells you, you are cute.  But I have to be very careful that I don't get involved too quickly or get confused.  Somewhere on one of these boards someone put up what a list of things that would be required for the next person they were going to be involved with.  1.  Was a job.  I have to find that post because that was very helpful and if I do I'll post a link to it.  

Anikaca77  YOUR BEUITIFUL YOUR AWSOME YOUR SEXY You go girl. 

This is an interesting thread... .

Clearmind shed some light on this. I had a one nighter. It was crap. I don't know what I was hoping for, but it didn't make me feel good at all. It was emotionless. No one got hurt, we both new the score. Suppose to be a bit of "fun", but I didn't even find it that... .

Now I'm dating again. I went out for a date this week with a lovely girl, an "upgrade" on my ex on paper... . But again, they seem lovely, but I'm just not that into it.

I feel like my ex is the only person I want to be intimate with. I want to be close to. I want to have love me...

Is she the only person who can validate me at the mo?

Thank you very much!

Firstly there is nothing wrong with a one nighter if you are fully and consciously aware what you are wanting to achieve - your expectations of the event - however often this is not the case. For some sex is for validation - it's not the person that matters, its not the feeling that matters it is validation that someone wanted you - is that OK? Sure if you are conscious of it. Be mindful that sex for validation tends to be 30 minutes (or so) of fun followed by a real downer/crash and burn - there was no feeling, there was no grand aim to have a relationship, it was an act and the person was an object!

It's possible that while we are still in the attachment phase of our relationship/break up that your heart is not in it. For me, I feel nada, nothing if I am not emotionally connected to the person. I don't have one nighters because they do very little to bolster my ego.  When I was still ruminating about my ex - there is no way I wanted to have sex or even date another - my heart was not open to it and my mind was always on him.

Right now, we are somewhat detached from reality - we are in limbo - come back to earth in your time, find out who you are without masking it with those endorphins that often skew your rational mind.

My advice is to date - anyone! Dating is simply finding out about a person, sex aside - get out there - find what you like, don't like, admire, respect about a person - practice boundary setting, listen to your body when someone talks to you - are they triggering a reaction.

Sex is not a barometer for us to gauge where we are in our healing/detachment - you will be grossly disappointed. The right barometer is not giving a care in the world what your ex is doing - that is the time to enter into a relationship/sexual relationship - that is when you can feel, be authentic with yourself, be true to you and where you are in life - its only then that you will find a fulfilling relationship/mate.

And most importantly... . work on relationship skills. If you had a childhood anything like mine it's likely they are lacking  :light:

Clearmind, Do you think this (Feelings part) would also apply to a man getting out of a relationship as well. Just curious myself. 

Clearmind-

Just a question.  So are you saying it's okay to go out and date someone even when it's 4 weeks after your husband has moved out?  My family thinks I should to wait like several months, a friend said 6 months... . my brother... . well he said 2-3 years.

I believe men also use sex for validation yes - its society/popular culture that places different expectations on sex.  

If we listen to ourselves I dont think there is a difference between men and women.

Sex provides both sexes with a sense of identity. Men and women need to find that connection to themselves before sex (with imtimacy) is fulfilling.

However gender aside, its more helpful to think that sex with intimacy is vastly different than sex without intimacy. Often folks who date Borderlines also tend to steer towards those that are emotionally unavailable - this would inevitably lead to sex without intimacy - great in the moment however it sucks after.


Abosolutely! What is time? What does that mean - in 6 months you could still be hung on your H. What your family and friends maybe concerned about is that you are using a man to mask your hurt and pain of your ex... . emotionally numb out - In that case I would agree - too soon. If you are wanting to get out and meet new people and continue to work on yourself in the process - then go for it.

Dating is getting to know someone - there are boundaries though Anikaca - you need to figure out what those are. Dating is not a free for all - meaning not placing early expectations on each other, over stepping boundaries, sex too soon, meeting kids/parents/friends etc. Get to know someone slowly - you have training wheels on right now - you dated men who were abusive. Figure out what makes you tick -emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Key word: take it slow. And date many! Perfect way to get to know yourself is to see how you are with others. Strong boundaries is paramount. Sometimes when we first learn boundary setting we don't use them on people we are close to. Look at dating as an exercise in figuring out what you want.

Just a quick questions... . is it okay to date a guy whose wife left the state and they are open to seeing other people?

He has children as well but they are with his wife.

Without sounding judgemental! No my friend, its not OK.

You had a relationship with a Borderline! That relationship was full of triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0), drama, no doubt with others (whether it be emotional or physical), you were invalidated during that relationship, if you had kids they were also invalidated, your finances were no doubt stretched, you arrived at bpdfamily hopefully to work on you and why you stayed... .

... . so I ask you Anikaca - how much do you value yourself?

Clearmind-

Very interesting... . so singles only... . but I suppose it would be okay to talk with this person who's wife has just left him a few months ago and just share stories right?

I think more than anything I get a boost when a stranger is telling me I'm sexy or I'm cute.  Because I don't really believe it myself or maybe because I haven't heard it in a long long time.

Not trying to be funny here. But is phone sex OK? Flirting texting and such... kinda like dating in some way right. Nothing serious thinking may help with self esteem issues?     

Boundaries! Two lost souls consoling each other = disaster waiting to happen.


Bingo! Validation my dear - and good for you for recognizing it.

__

Now here is my own personal opinion and I apologize if it appears to be passing judgement - not intended. Take from it what you want.

Those that date/get involved with married men are emotionally unavailable themselves. It’s likely they fear commitment, fear intimacy, tend to have low self worth and fear getting hurt because its likely that the man will never leave his wife – so it puts the woman in the “safe zone” where she can feels she can pull the strings and come and leave as she pleases. Sounds attractive right? (especially after your ordeal)

The problem with this is that she is also seeking validation and in time this little interlude becomes a huge emotional headache for the women because she has got attached and to add fuel to the fire there are kiddos involved.

There is a great saying “Out Of The Frying Pan (And Into The Fire)". Its very apt here. Dating a Borderline does mean we have some emotional issues to take care of, we need to clean out our own backyard first.

When I say dating is more than OK, I mean it is OK with boundaries. Dating a married man is showing you to have no boundaries. Value yourself, value who you are and believe that you are truly worthy of someone who IS available – whether you decide to be exclusive or simply date – it all still matters.

We need to exercise emotional maturity - where we once maybe lacked. We need to date - yes - however be aware and use the dating circle to learn about you not dig you into an emotional hole further.

Great book: He's Scare, She's Scare: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships.


Other ways to build self worth - its still using sex as a validation tool. What lies under all that for you dangoldfool? What are you masking/avoiding?

Other ways to build self worth - its still using sex as a validation tool. What lies under all that for you dangoldfool? What are you masking/avoiding?


I guess when my T pry it out of me. I will know the answer to that question.

I did a one-night-stand after breaking up with my BPDex. The girl I hooked up with was a month out of a five year relationship, and we were both really open about still being pretty messed up over our exes and not wanting to actually date anyone yet.  No one got hurt, no one got "used," but I felt so much worse afterward. I feel like it set me back a solid month in my recovery.  And it's not like I've never had random, casual sex before.  I used to do it all the time, and I'm a big fan of sex for the sake of sex, but I just wasn't prepared for how foreign another human being would feel after all that time thinking she'd be the only person to ever touch me like that again.

Don't rush yourself.  Don't get mixed up with people who aren't available.  But do date as soon as you feel ready.  I'm just finally starting to feel like dipping my toe back in the dating pool, and the flirting and all that stuff feels great right now.  A month ago it felt awkward and forced.  Don't worry about when your friends think it's "normal" to date again.  Date when it feels right.  Don't do it to fill some desperate need.  Don't do it because you're lonely.  You conquer loneliness by learning how to enjoy being alone, NOT by finding someone new to keep you company. 

You'll be fine.  It's a process and it takes a different amount of time for everyone. 

As a man with desires I would rather wait for a meaningful encounter than have two bits of skin rubbing together and use someone whilst being used.

I am worth more, as my next sexual partner will be. Better to have at least some emotion to make love rather than a cheap moment which we would both regret. The only positive outcome being the results of an STI / STD test.

Women who place a high personal value on themselves are extremely attractive to decent blokes. I wish you all the best.

Ok I get all the advice to wait for the perfect mate and all, I know in my head it’s the right way to go in the long haul. I think.

BUT take the situation out away from the issue of coming from a bad relationship with a BPD.

Back when we all were in are prime age 20, 30 years old. When going out and you were single, meant trying to get laid. Not speaking directly about myself at the moment, but many of my friends would not wait and date someone forever. It was for a simple hook-up. A one night stand. A mutual sexual release of two possibly drunk people. I know it may not have been but a few minutes of enjoyment for them, or maybe not... . But this type stuff happens everywhere ever day.

Why are we (Me) singled out of what has gone on for many decades, where a boy meets girl, and both are needing that connection regardless, if it a good connection or not.

If it was satisfying, they might meet up again, if not they moved on.

Is it because I’m damaged goods, because of the relationship I’ve been through, with a BPD. That this advice is given to me.

Or is it that people who have had the relationships I’ve talked about above, where damaged and they did not know it. And maybe they are the BPD person now.

The waiting for the right relationship would seem like the healthier relationship choice for the wise over the long haul.

I’m just wonder if you don’t sample all of the ice cream flavors, how will you know what’s your favorite flavor? Rant over.

If i find a flavour i like im happy to stick with it, some call it boring or not adventurous but if i like it and im happy why should i feel the need to try others just to come back to the one i liked and find out its "sold out" for one way of putting it.

Im lonely, im craving for some affection but i think i know deep down instant sex wont be enough for me. I want the whole package to last me a very long time and will be happy (as such) to wait for that and do the dating inbetween. Dates will also give compliments, and hopefully meet some new friends along the way... .

I don't think you get to really know someone by having casual sex.  Sampling all the flavors through a physical realm is pretty superficial.  I think that's how many of us got into our BPD relationships - because of the sexual connection.

I have to concur that the concept of "releasing tension" through recreational sex has no validity for me. When I don't have a real partner, only masturbation accomplishes that.

Speaking for myself, sex isn't just a physical thing for me. I seek more - an emotional connection. Ergo, I am a 28 year old male, but my BPD ex is the only woman I have ever been with. Maybe I am the sentimental type, but I do not want to cheapen sex by having it with anyone. But only with someone I make a real connection with. That is my personal opinion.

Now if I may be pardoned for talking about others, would I go out with a girl who has slept with 15 guys? If she is 30 years old and has had 15 different relationships, then yes. But if she 10 of those guys have been one-night stands/random hook-ups, I would be wary because it does point to a deeper problem. I believe Clearmind wrote about it earlier. It is just that, I might be wary that she won't last for long either. If she sleeps around or goes through guys quickly, maybe I will be one of those guys too. Or maybe she has low self-esteem or something else. This is my hypothesis of being wary of someone who has had 5 relationships vs 5 one-night stands. Sorry if I offended anyone.

As for trying out different flavors, I really dislike that because I have seen that happen where someone has broken a perfectly good relationship to see what else is out there. To let go of something so good because you think grass might be greener, I will have a hard time trusting such a person because she will always be looking for something better. But if someone isn't in a relationship and is going through different flavors, well, one can as long as they know they do not miss the right flavor while trying out all the flavors. But breaking up to see what else is out there, that really really irks me because right now my ex is talking to a lot of guys online. None she likes, but according to her words "what she must have done at 19, she is doing at 29". I hate it because - just coz she didn't drink, do drugs, wear skimpy outfits and go clubbing, sleep around at 19 does not mean it is something she has to do at 29. but she believes everyone did that at 19, so she has to now.

my final point - cherish what you have. i have chased around crushes when she had left me for 4 years... . it was never fulfilling. it never felt good. and after a few months (I was 22 then) i stopped... . just because she left me does not mean I have to be with someone. I will just wait for the right one.

hopefully I did not offend anyone.

I have to concur that the concept of "releasing tension" through recreational sex has no validity for me. When I don't have a real partner, only masturbation accomplishes that.[/quote]
lol yes, I wanted to write that in my reply but thought it might be too much. if i have to release the stress, i have my left hand. but i am afraid of casual sex because god forbid that person develops feelings while i am not. I do not want to be the cause of someone's heartbreak. plus it never interested me.

My ex had been in love 9 times (that she told me about)... . I'd be far more wary of the person who had 15 relationships, than the person who had 15 one nighters! Just my two penneth.

In fact one thing I have learned is to never go for a serial monogamist. I'd far rather be with "miss independent" than "miss I can't be on my own so bounce from one relationship to the other"

My ex had been in love 9 times (that she told me about)... . I'd be far more wary of the person who had 15 relationships, than the person who had 15 one nighters! Just my two penneth. [/quote]
i agree. that was my bad. thinking about it after i wrote it, it did not sound right. i would be ok with someone who has had 2-3 drunk one-night stands in their life than 15 relationships. that means they cannot sustain it. probably a few long term relationships. yeah... . you are correct. as my bio teacher in high school said a long time back - too much of anything is bad... . except bio! haha... . serial monogamist means big issues. i know a few like that in my life. never single for a month. never since school days. even after a 5 year relationship, next one within a month.

Ok, this is part of my point, you said (if I find a flavor I like I'm happy to stick with it). To find this flavor would possibly suggest you tried a few different flavors, Yes?

And I agree with you 100 percent, once you find that 1 flavor, your locked in for the long haul.

So after a BPD blow up, what has changed with us that trying different flavors (not necessarily many one night stands) is seen as taboo. Or is it just err on the side of caution advice. What is wrong with just kicking the tires,taking it for a spin.wink/wink)

 

It depends on what you want.  If one just wants sex, then so be it.  I'm not sure how one would figure out a persons values by having sex.  As a matter of fact, what you might find is they are lacking in solid values and boundaries if they are willing to have a one nighter. 

I want to say that I've been there before, so I'm not being judgmental.  I can tell you from experience that I had no clue what it took to be in a solid, healthy relationship, and it showed by my lack of self-control on a physical level.

Think of that girl or guy that you are wanting to have sex with, and then think of them as your daughter or son.  What is it you want to teach them about sex and relationships?  That's it's ok to do it and not build something more solid first?

I cannot think of a single one-nighter I had in the past that was memorable, on the contrary, they seemed cheap. There are too many things missing... anticipation and flirting are the first two that come to mind. If it seems cheap to me, then it probably seems cheap to the other person, and that in itself is a turnoff. To me, some things are better off left in the mind, because making it a reality is a let-down. That is just my opinion based on experience. There are probably some that really like it. It is just not for me.