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For the past few days, H has been very annoyed at his computer.  I'm sure that HE'S the one who's doing something wrong, won't ask the IT guy at work, and keeps getting more and more upset.

Every night he'll cuss and swear at his computer as he tries something that won't work.  I'll ask him to set it aside before he gets too angry, but he'll just say that he's "determined" to get it to work.  This goes on for hours, then he drinks because he's too upset to go to sleep. 

Today he's off work and we were supposed to go out, but he's spent the day cursing and swearing at his computer... . same ole problem... . HE'S the one who's doing something wrong.  He's not very tech savvy, even though he's an engineer (math side... . so not hands on... . and educated before the computer craze).  He can't even use a SMART phone because he's so bad with that kind of technology.  Heck, he can't even use our Keurig coffee maker because it confuses him!

Anyway... . what can I do to convince him to stop what he's doing?

 lol lol

sounds like my husband... first who doesn't cuss at their computer i do... . lol

when my husband is obssed like this i call it obsession, DUring this time there is nothing i can do to help due to i am dammed if i do and dammed if i don't he is already uset due to the stupid computer, so i just leave let him figure out what ever he needs to, if he needs my help he can ask otherwise i am out of there, adventually he might figure it out, he might not. during the three months and a half he was off he applied for alot of jobs on his phone cussed at it all the time, adventually asked if i would help and i would, i applied for him lots of jobs, but he did alot on his own...   so i gave him credit for this, my husband and i are just to old for this new stuff, so cussing comes with it... if it annoys you like it did me just leave go shopping or do something get away...  

I don't want to help him solve his problem because doing so usually just makes him feel more inadequate (that's a whole other story!). 

I just want to be able to "redirect him" to take a break away from things that are frustrating him so that he won't dysregulate.  The big problem is that he'll get frustrated, he'll get focused on solving the problem even if he really doesn't know what he's doing, he'll get more and more angry, he'll start yelling at me, and then he starts drinking heavily. 

Last year, he attempted to fix our dryer.  I knew that the job was BEYOND his capabilities but he insisted that he could do it.  Well, he never was able to get it to work right, but during the MONTHS that he spent fixing it, he would rage, yell, scream at ME... . when I really just wanted to call an expert to fix it.  I had to go several months without a dryer!  Crazy. 

Today we almost had a complete disaster on our hands.  We had tenants that were moving into one of our rentals.  All day long I kept telling my H that we needed to get over there to make sure that a previous clogged drain wasn't reoccurring.  Finally, an hour before the tenants were to arrive, I told H that I was going without him.  He then grudgingly came with me (and stopped messing with his computer).  Well, the clogged drain was still a big problem so (thankfully) I was able to get an emergency plumber out to snake the drain.  The drain involved the Air Conditioning system, it was clogged (again) and had leaked water onto the floor causing a mess.   Thankfully, the tenants were a couple hours late arriving, so I had time to clean up all the water on the floor.  However, this could have been very embarrassing. 

I know that I should have just gone by myself earlier, but we're at our vacation home this weekend and only had one car with us so I didn't want to just abandon H without a car. 


I really just want some ideas on how to redirect him when he's "on the path" to dysregulation due to persisting on a task that is beyond his capabilities or is unrealistic. 

Well SadWifeofBPD,

engineers are trained to focus on problems, are proud to solve them. Not being able to handle them is not good at all and admitting that the nut is too hard to crack is difficult.

... . in reality engineers fail all the time to solve the problem at hand. Almost all fail in the first attempt at a new one. Managing the energy for multiple attempts over a longer period with the proper preparation following a well considered plan makes all the difference. However planning and patience is not in the typical BPD toolbelt... .


Your ability to influence are limited as you are trying to influence him in an area he likely considers core to himself. Which means attempts by you are easily perceived as overstepping a boundary and are invalidating him.

What could you do?

- Validating him (taking on a diamond hard problem, struggling mightly, being frustrated, feeling stuck, not making headway, afraid of not getting it working, afraid of giving up... . )

- Helping him drawing boundaries (Him vs. Computer/Dryer). He is working hard doing his best - the dryer is broken. Helping him a little to re-establish a perspective.

- Helping him planning boundaries and time-lines by e.g. having a fixed, well known and accepted dinner time. It still will be frustrating (fill in your favorite validation) to take a break... .

- Have him explain to you what is the problem he is trying to solve and what he is doing. Listening actively but being at no point judgmental.

- Steering him towards solvable problems and keep him busy with them   *)

Once he is on the hook of a problem the options you have are limited. Focusing on getting him away from the problem is your way on getting stuck on the echo of the problem. It is important to take a step back and maintain perspective when he is lacking it.

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What do I do/say to validate him in those situations?


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I'd LOVE to do this.  However, I don't know what to say.  When I do say something, he takes it wrong... . thinking that I'm insulting him or not "trusting him".   Trust is a huge deal for him, even in areas where there should be NO trust.  (for example... . If H says that he's not going to drink tonight, and he says that I need to "trust his word," but then he ends up drinking, he doesn't process that his "broken promise" will affect trust in his word.   Or is he says, "I'll have this fixed in 30 minutes... . and then 2 weeks later it's still not fixed... . H doesn't think I should question or not believe any future statements of "I'll get that fixed in XX minutes." 

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Time lines will be something that I'll try.  I've made the mistake of using minutes, such as "45 more minutes for that project and then we have to leave" ... . Instead I'll say, "At X o'clock I/we have to leave to go to _____" . 

The dinner time thing is HUGE!  H constantly misses dinner or is late for dinner because of some obsession.  Over the 4th of July week, he stayed at two of his siblings' homes (I wasn't there).  He got yelled at by both siblings on different days for "blowing off" their dinner time.  Because H doesn't cook, he doesn't respect the fact that a cook has worked hard, food is served at the right temp, and a delay can mean a spoilt dinner. 

I have long complained about this to him, especially if the main course isn't one that reheats well (fish, for instance).   H's mom NEVER cooked and NEVER served a family meal, so H grew up eating whenever he wanted. 

Sounds like me...

... . and yes i am a qualified Engineer :)

and it's a dangerous place to be if you come between me and whatever it is I'm cussing at.  Got a shed full of busted stuff. To get "the man" in to fix it is the most invalidating thing anyone can do, as the fear is being shown up for doing something wrong that turns out to be simple.

I read something in your statements that sounded like drinking may be a problem. Check out Alanon. They can teach us a lot, especially what we can control and what we can not. Also they teach us about self care. I went 4 years ago and have stayed with my men's group on Thurs. nights. My uBPDw, also likes to drink which makes everything so much worse. Alanon helped me. THEO

Hi SadwifeofBPD,

I have been asking myslef exatly the question you have been asking lately. My H also gets obsessed by one thing to the exclusion of all else and become massively stressed (again it is often the computer but sometimes a TV programme that really winds him up but he insists on watching it endlessly).

I don't know how we would go about redirecting - I'm not sure it's possible because it literally is an obsession and I think the person has to acknowledge they have an obsessive problem and want to break it.

I have tried saying to H 'I understand x has stressed you. Do you think it would be a good idea to stay away from x for a bit'. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

I have also said to H that 'I like spending time with you when you are calm and pleasant to me but when you do x you get all stressed and shouty. I don't like that so when you are like that I will go about my business without being around you'. and that includes getting on with stuff around the house, going out etc etc.

But lately I'm asking myself do I want to spend the rest of my life around so much negativity adn tension. Yes I can distane myslef from it but if H doesn't want to change it do I want to live like this for the rest of my life. I'm not sure. If we didn't have children together I suspect I would have been gone a long time ago.

PT xx