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Title: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE AWKWARD SILENCE, SINCE WE CANT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING? Post by: nursemyBPD on August 02, 2013, 05:46:52 PM uBPDh & I have been married for 30 years, now that the Kids are all grown, I'm finding no way to escape, or no longer have excuses to be elsewhere or do something else, when he begins to dysregulate.
Unfortunatly I didnt discover the suspected BPD diagnosis until this year, (prior I suspected Bipolar). We have always been opposites in our hobbies, interests etc. So while raising the kids the things WE did together always centered around the kids. I would often engage in the activites that HE liked since the kids were out of the nest the last 4-5 years, but have grown tired of sporting events, I do enjoy the outdoors (fishing is his other Hobby) but often dread all the extra chaos that comes with planning those, as I am the one planning, paking, cooking, cleaning etc while we are there all the while being criticised, dismissed etc. So since disengaging in the crazy making behaviour in reacting to his dysregulation. I find that I am silent most of the time were together. on Title: Re: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE AWKWARD SILENCE, SINCE WE CANT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING? Post by: Wanda on August 02, 2013, 05:56:29 PM *welcome* *welcome* *welcome* *welcome*
keep reading what we have don't forget those lessons. THe best way to deal with this is to take care of yourself, if he is dysregulating leave, and if he is silent leave do something for you let him work on what ever he needs to. trying to fiqure him out won't work so work on you... learn those skills and tools and hopefully by you changing he changes also... . Title: Re: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE AWKWARD SILENCE, SINCE WE CANT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING? Post by: nursemyBPD on August 02, 2013, 06:11:25 PM oops hit enter too soon, I was going to say that whatever I say either is met with zero reply back as if he is uninterested, like if we are wathcing TV, & I comment on the show, or ask if he saw this, or what he thought, just trying to make conversation, he will ignore me, if I talk about anything thats not superfical chit chat he starts berating what I say, how I say, saying, Thats stupid, your stupid, snarling at me, the whole hostile conflict prone demeanor starts erupting, over nothing, so Now I just don't say anything we rode in a car for 3 hours and barely said a word to each other, it makes me sad!, this is no life to live, why Am I willing to have a relationship under these circumstances? Mental illness or NOT, I desreve much more, He does as well, but UNTIL he seeks help he will lkilely remain in this state, and now that I have no more LOGICAL reasons to stay, I struggle with making the break once & for all. Right now, the postings are serving as my emotional detaching, so that perhaps, I can ultimatly make a decision that is best for ME. I cannot SAVE him from HIMSELF, nor from this perceived BPD illness, beleiveme I tried, with all my mught for 35 years, and YET, the only thing that has Chnaged is me. I am stronger, I am capable, YET I am TORN, & I'm STILL feeling Guilty for knowing that in all my knowledge & all my years of NURSING training I cant make him better, I cant HEAL him!
Title: Re: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE AWKWARD SILENCE, SINCE WE CANT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING? Post by: Grey Kitty on August 03, 2013, 12:26:45 AM Hello and welcome!
I'd recommend concentrating on what you can do: Find something that gives joy and meaning to your life. Including things that don't involve uBPDh. Especially that, in fact. A job, hobbies, volunteer activity, whatever feeds you or inspires you. I say it like it is easy... . this sort of thing sure wasn't for me, and I still wish I had more in my life that is separate from my wife. Your successes here will serve you well in your marriage while you stay. If you decide to leave, they will be even more critical then. |