BPDFamily.com

                  PERFIDY

I looked it in the eyes and called it what it was

Deceit and trickery and it said because

It's all your fault that

I am the way I am

And you must suffer

And grow accustomed to your pain

I searched inside my self and found me again

The things I have and the people I love

All helped me to rise above

The horror and hell that I had with you

And I chose it myself but never knew

disguised as love but as deadly as sin

I accepted you and gave from within

destroyed by my own trust and respect

By giving and caring who would suspect

That kindness and compassion would bring terrible shame

Suffering and torture like skin to flame

Perfidy is your name.

I didn't send this to my ex. I did the whole unsent letter thing. I ended up with a document that was thirty pages long. I still write on it from time to time. She just kind of moved on to the next guy without much remorse or even having any kind of closure with me. Then she said she still wanted to be friends. She failed in the friend department. Someone takes a massive dump on me can't be my friend. My self esteem would be in the gutter. My self respect would not exist. Before I can ever respect another person I must respect myself first. Before I can love another I love myself first. How did I stop loving myself?

Very powerful. 

wow , that is such a good question. " how did I stop loving myself" I feel the exact same way. To leave after 7 years and not look back, to not call me or give me closure is unconscionable .  I walk around like a complete zombie, a shell of a human and I sit here and wonder why? why am I pining over a woman who thought very little of our 7 years, our marriage, our home. she lied to me , she cheated on me and then left abrubtly with things still here and never heard from her . this is the hard part . but again why? why do we feel such pain, we should be glad that its over right? do we miss the caregiver role? was it like a parent child relationship? the feeling of not being needed?  I do not want to continue on this path. I wake up everyday feeling pain, missing her and wanting to die. I check my phone , my email and everytime I get a text I jump to see if its her. I am pathetic and feel like I have lost complete control of who I am. I wrote her a text the other day and let her know how I felt, it was a long one, and nothing. not a sorry, not a kiss my a$$ nothing. I cannot believe people like this exist. now I know why her ex killed himself. its too much... .

Keep writing out you anger and pain. We share a similar story. Everything you said in your post. I lived it inside my head as well. But you can't go down over this 1 woman man. Their are millions out there in the world that are loving supporting and helpful like yourself. Get your mind straight first and foremost. Then you will be able to find that girl.

Please keep writing about your troubled past and thoughts, as it helps me and a lot of folks who don't post. Let them see that they are not all alone, in there struggles with this stuff. Peace to you.

This board has been a relief and an outlet for me. Almost immediately I began feeling better about myself after finding it and joining. I am not really sure why. Because I know that I am not alone? Maybe. Because I see all of the earmarks of a BPD relationship in the one that I had with"her"? Maybe. Because I can relate with most of the people whose posts that I have read? Maybe. I don't really understand. Yesterday I felt strong for the first time in over four months. It didn't last but for little more than an hour then I fell back into anxiety and depression. I don't feel quite as suicidal as I did before. I just want the pain to stop. I sense that it will. Thank you people.

cherish that hour of relief! this is just a peak of more relief to come. i can totally relate. i'm in a much better place right now, but i've had my cycles. i think it's important to understand that's it's not a simple linear progression from feeling all bad to all good... . although eventually this will happen. things seem to go in somewhat unpredictable cycles. so, that hour of relief you had--the next time this happens, relish in it and know that it will return. the next time maybe it will be for 2 hours. i know that doesn't sound like much but at least for me recovery seemed so slow and random that at times it was scary feeling that i wouldn't be able to get out of the pain--but you WILL.

i relate to the spiritual warrior idol. this helps me to weather through the long haul. make sure not to fault yourself when you feel terrible because recovery can last *years*. and while this can sound scary, that you may take years to fully process everything, for me it is comforting because now i know that all i have to do is keep on doing the positive things i'm already doing. sometimes the bad feelings my cycle back, but if i measure my progress over say 6 months i can definitely see improvement... . and years from now--ya kiddin me! over it. that's my goal anyway and i feel very strong and powerful that this is my path. hang in there Perfidy--you are doing the RIGHT things, you have written 30 pages of dark beautiful truth and now it doesn't have to stay in your head all the time. it helps me to just accept that this was/is a sad part of my life, but that it's ok b/c i know i'm strong enough to weather it. i hope this can help you some. you're doing the right things, just keep doing them and give yourself *plenty* of time and you will see improvement. the universe is conspiring in *your* favor!