BPDFamily.com

Just to see if there's a pattern here, or not... .

My BPD1: colleague at work

My BPD2: internet dating site (match)

We were studying in the same cafe. I liked her, so I struck up a conversation. And the rest is history.

There certainly is a pattern - Two Borderlines KE151? Looked into your pattern in choosing Borderlines?

I was brand new sober in AA and we had a group of mutual friends. Then we started hanging out together in smaller groups, one on one walking our dogs etc. She left her partner (female) and spun all the same stories she is now about me. I was in the military, 25 and newly sober and she was older, beautiful, had many more years sober and needed rescuing. Before I realized it we were dating and the rest is history. I have spent the last 11 months looking at why I got with her to start with (when she was technically still married, as in the ink of the papers to serve the ex were barely dry yet) and why I stayed for so long, and more importantly why I tried to save it for so long. I hope I don't have a 2nd experience since we have a kid and I have to deal with it now for at least the next 15 years.

Dating website!

Oh yes, my doublewhammy co-dep r/s pattern is a completely different ballgame altogether... . working on it ;-)

Ethics class (irony at it's finest --  lol) as a sophmore in junior college.

Dating website, an almost certain giveaway to my vulnerability... .

Please explain!

Alot of people on dating websites dont have alot of confidence, easy target. Quick read of the profile will give a good idea on the person you are, i mentioned my children being important to me, how i was CARING and LOVING etc... . all these words jumped out to him. I know now it wasnt ME as an individual but my traits as a person he wanted. His previous gf was the same as me, all those good qualities she had i had.

Maybe i read too much into it but i do believe i was almost hand picked, which isnt a good thing when u see what it really entails.

Godd%^n Facebook - (aka, the be all / end all of our modern society!)

She was in previous r/s from match, first started talking to me on fb, and talked about all of her other trysts from online dating... .

so, that's her habitat I guess... .

I definitely see a pattern from all of the previous posts here... .

MCC

went to high school and college together before ending up dating in the final semester of college. that was over 7 years back.

Mine's an odd one I guess?

Met at a wedding both our families attended in 1989. We were both children aged 11 back then. We spent most of the day watching each other & most of the evening talking & giggling (like children do). We snook outside the marquee & shared a kiss. As young children it was a 'first' for both of us.

I always remembered her for that experience.

2009 & the couple who married in 1989 are renewing their vows & throwing a big party afterwards. All who attended the 1989 wedding are invited again. Soon as we saw each other again 20 years on & now adults... . BOOM!

Most romantic (and toxic) story of my life!

Moonie75 god that almost brought a tear pal! write a movie!

Moonie75, Sound like a good movie, right.

First one met in church, went together  a few months then married, YIKES. My rescue mode kicked in full gear. Went 10 years 2 kids.

2nd one, I was raising my kids by my self. wife kill herself. Had been out of all relationships for 3 years. Was introduced by ex tenant. A family friend of her.  Long distant for 1 month then she moved to live in with me after staying with her friend a week. Another rescue.  Stayed together 3 years.

Hey maybe next time, date like 6 months... . lol :)  

That's only scratching the surface... . You may struggle to believe I'm not pulling a leg here!

1989 while off outside enjoying our first kiss each, she gave me a charm to keep from her charm bracelet. I gave her one of my cuff links. (two little kids having a go at being romantic)

20 years on, several house moves, college, university, a marriage been and gone etc, I attend the party in 2009 not even knowing if she'd be there, but that charm from a little girls bracelet is still in my life & I've got it in my pocket.

She is there, she's pleased to see me & remembers me! RESULT!

We share a few drinks punctuated by other folks wanting to talk to us both. We agree to stay in touch & see fit to swap numbers in order to do so. She opens her handbag to get her phone & also removes her purse. After swapping numbers she opens the purse & says "I may embarrass myself totally now, but do you remember this?" and produces my cuff link from 20 years ago!

And there's so much more. There's a trilogy there, not just a movie  :'(

I was selected, picked and targeted. It was quite flattering and I fell for it hook line and sinker. First few months were great and then they were followed by six terrible years.

How did you find that out? the selection?

Getting to know her history, I knew some of her ex partners and she pretty much told me whilst we were attending marriage guidance counselling that she selected me.

She wanted security; I was a good choice and was known locally as a bit of a “fixer” when people had problems. I never saw the next six years coming! It was a situation I could not “fix”, understand or conceive that I would ever be in such an awful place.

Mine I met at work, she was first responsable for part of the shop and later became my right hand at work, she was highly professional, perfectionistic, scored amongst the top 3 audit scores from our country, never saw one thing wrong with her.  Fell in love with her, but didn't show it, my idea was never start something with a collegue.  She finally did make the first move.  Just a date, restaurant and racing circuit.  Still kept things slow for about 14 days before we started a relationship.

Reg

Ah, yes, there is a difference there between high and low functioning. My partner had never been able to keep a job; she had a history of accusing people of assault and abuse.

Looks like people meet pwBPD in all kinds of places, there is no particular pattern.

iml72, After my GF break-up like most guy I wanted to validate my self. So I joined a dating site. I had a girl on the dating site who emailed within an hour 6 times, and in that amount of time she wanted to exchange user name information on the dating site. To be able to cancel each other off so we could date exclusive. Talk about a fast. I told her I wanted to have a few more potential GF to check out. I was not even ready, as I have been learning more about this stuff. Yikes

That is serious  red-flag.

I too have been on a dating site but have chosen the "looking for friends" option as im severely lacking friends. As you say instantly get messages (from guys in my case lol) and pictures of parts u really wouldnt send to seomeone you dont know with words along lines of "i liked ur profile and think we would have a great future together" " text me and we can hook up so u wont need the site anymore" i was asking for FRIENDS!

It is teaching me alot though, as i had never heard of BPD before i wasnt aware of any of it but al least now i am a little tooled up and will be more careful, just worry when the time comes for me to be ready for a relationship i will see a  red-flag  in everything every guy says

I was on a dating site the other day, and one girl wrote in her profile "My friends all say I'm borderline."

AAAAAAA, I couldn't leave her profile page fast enough!

Yeah I don't think anyone knew what BPD was before the sh-- hit the fan and we started searching for answer.

After reading some post on here I might stay single. Too scary to take a step at this point in my life.



cska, That is funny. 

I was his nurse... . I know it sounds all bad right there!  Anyway, I kept it professional and never saw him as a romantic interest, in fact I shred his number each and every time he gave it to me.  It wasn't until he was discharged and we kept bumping into eachother.  Coffee dates, hikes, long walks and talks in the park.  I'm over it and hopefully he's on to the next replacement.  I, however, am still hopeful that romances like the notebook do indeed exist, minus the BPD factor. lol   

Oh, where she loses her mind and cant remember sh&t and he is there by her side to see her through it?

My x tried pulling at my emotions by playing that movie with me... . that's great fantasy thinking and all, but remember it's a movie for a reason... .

Sorry to come across so harsh, but I am really NOT a fan of that movie, nor the fantasy thinking that is associated with it!

MCC

Lack of boundaries, unwilling to leave well enough alone, inability to discern redflags or cut ties when seeing them, too emotionally invested too soon, instead of getting out getting further in (shared finances, housing, children)... .

So, so many patterns just not with a person with BPD only.  Guilty of a few of these myself

Fascinating stories, with Moonie's of course meriting an entire mini-series.

I met my uBPDh on the day I was born, though of course I don't remember it. We were born the same day in the same hospital. Our mothers met and chatted while they recuperated. I was my Mom's first, and she received advice from his Mom, for whom it was the sixth time. Both were unplanned pregnancies; we were both pretty much unwanted and unloved by our Moms, who had serious psychological issues. He and I wound up in the same classroom for grades 1 through 5, and during this time our parents all became close friends and did a lot of boozing together. He and I went to different high schools and colleges and eventually we stopped seeing each other entirely when his Mother became practically insane and my parents began to avoid her.

He and I did run into each other one day when we were in our mid-twenties and I was home from graduate school. We talked for an hour on the street. He had grown from a husky and awkward boy into an extremely handsome young man. He claims that he tried to ask me for a date the next day when he spotted me having dinner with my parents at a local restaurant, but that my Father physically "blocked" him from reaching me (dear old Dad was a good hockey player) because he had heard that this young man was creating problems at home and was always hurting his own Dad's feelings. I don't remember this incident but it now makes sense after the way H has been treating me.

Fast forward twenty-one years: we've each been married and divorced and I have two children. Both sets of parents have long passed on. He contacts me on Facebook, we exchange posts and messages there, use it for live Chat, and then switch to phone calls. He is an expert at online dating. He tells me that he always thought I was the smartest and prettiest girl he knew. It does make me wonder why he never asked me for a date back then, but he tells me of his low self-esteem, his abusive upbringing, in short, his life of trauma. We begin a long-distance dating relationship that turns into a whirlwind romance, become engaged after four months of dating and married five months after that. Soon after becoming engaged I started to see signs of his emotional instability toward me, and these have steadily worsened the longer I spend with him.

On our very first date, I asked him about people we both knew when we were growing up, and he had terrible things to say about each one. That should have told me something. I chose to overlook it and good old Dad was no longer around to protect me.

At work.  She transferred to my building.  She was beautiful.  I was surprised she wanted to date me... . I didn't think she would even want to be my friend she was so beautiful.  Totally out of my league!

Via a mutual friend on facebook.

That was only person that mutual friend specifically introduced me to.

She didnt introduce me to anyone else.

Almost like i was destined to somehow cross paths.

Ironically... .

That same mutual friend and i stopped speaking not long after me and her started to click and get to know one another.

It wasnt that long afterwards that the personality quirks started to appear... .

Clues to my future destruction.

I had no idea.

I still remember all of that.

OkCupid, a dating site.

I contacted him first, I liked that he was an animal lover and I noticed we liked some of the same movies. We emailed back and forth for a little bit and then it kinda trailed off. However, he had mentioned a movie that I might like when we had talked earlier and I put it on my Netflix list. Then after it came up on my list and I watched it, I decided to send him an email and tell him what I thought. We continued talking after that. We emailed back and forth and exchanged phone numbers and texted back and forth. We talked on the phone and I remember, thinking he talked really loud and his voice was kinda high. (seriously, his voice wasn't bad but not what I expected and loud which I later found later he can't hear as good in one ear) We talked for a little bit, a few weeks or so before getting together, it seemed that it was a normal pace.

However, once we met it moved very quickly after that. The first time we met, was at a park near the shelter I volunteered at and he was interested in volunteering at. I brought one of the shelter dogs and we walked around the park and talked, it was actually a great date for me, since I love dogs and was enjoyed spending time with him. Then we went out to lunch and we both opened up about our families and enjoyed our time together. I knew he was definitely interested in seeing me again after he told me that I could get the check the next time we went out, so he definitely wanted to see me again.

After I got back home from lunch, he was very complimentary, maybe a little over the top in hindsight. I'm pretty sure once we met for the first time, we started texting and he wanted to hang out with me a lot. I remember him inviting me to go with him to get more of his tattoo done, it was fun. I still remember early on him being so excited to see me, telling me " I missed you," and I remember telling him "you just saw me the other day," and he was like "I know but I still missed you." I remember smiling and saying "okay" and not really taking it that seriously, but thinking he was being a little eager but not seeing it as a red flag. I definitely know that my reaction to him missing me after not seeing me for a day or something like that, was healthy and I didn't want him to idealize me. The funny thing is when people flatter me I tend to not take it seriously, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable and I don't believe it right away... .However, he continued to do that and I guess after awhile I thought he meant it, and I guess he did at the time, until he pushed me off my pedestal! He always said he missed me, until the very end of our relationship and had withdrew from me. I remember telling him I missed him after her broke up and he didn't respond... .

A mutual friend had tried to set us up for a year or so. She had known both of us for years, loved playing matchmaker, and was convinced he was the most amazing, caring, perfect man out there. His only problem was that he kept finding crazy, unbalanced, psychotic women to get involved with. *cue tiny violins in background*

After setting us up and listening to our various ups and downs for a couple of years, she "didn't want to get involved". So she slowly distanced herself and went NC with me, since I was so crazy, unbalanced, and psychotic. They, of course, are still best buds who talk on a daily basis. I'm sure she regrets ever setting us up and is completely surprised  that I turned out *cough*  to be like all the rest of the women in his life.  And here I seemed so normal at first. Who woulda thunk I was so crazy.   

He walked in to my workplace. Said he saw me and immediately was attracted and wanted to get to know me. He zeroed in and went for it. He returned to my workplace within the week and I met him. We clicked immediately and I stuck with him for seven months through his alcohol abuse and BPD. He broke up with me.

Mauser,

I know - who would have thought right? 

I met mine at work.  Interesting how easy they can paint a picture of themselves, even when you have known them for a few years, that is ENTIRELY different than who they are.  While I did see signs of craziness in his life - he did a very good job of painting it as all the crap that just kept happening to him and all these crappy women he kept picking.  I have never been a selfish woman, or one looking to mooch off a man and not work, or high maintenance where I needed to have all the name brand clothes, purses and brand new cars.  I thought, poor guy - they are using him.  I could love him for HIM and don't need all those things.  I make my own money and would CONTRIBUTE to the relationship, not drain it... .etc.  Got together and found out, IT WAS HIM.  Of course, that same ability to hide his true self from me for a few years while working together is what enables him to snow blow everyone else because on the surface he seems so wonderful.  I'm sure a lot of people believe his BS.  I don't blame them because I did too.  He's good at it, I have to give him that.  But you know what, frankly my dear, I don't give a "crap" what anyone thinks of me!  I escaped the dark, toxic, poison, chaos & abuse!  I'm free from hell!  God never wanted me living in that in the first place.

As my 2 year old niece says - see ya latta ayeeegatta!

Mine lived next door to me. I was focused on finishing my degree and I don't think I said a word to her for about nine months after she moved in. A month before graduation we got back from the bars around the same time. She was fumbling around trying to get into her apartment.

I remember thinking maybe I should help her and told myself "no, bad idea" and just went inside my apartment. After a few more beers I was smoking a cig on my porch, she came out on her porch and I thought this is a bad idea but thought what the hell (I was drunk and bored) and asked her "hey, what are you doing?" One thing led to another that night and here I am four and half years later wondering what the hell happened and kicking myself for not listening to my gut that night lol.