BPDFamily.com

I m in the process of divorcing my uBPDh. We were married for 12 years and we live in NY, which is now a no-fault state.

We are currently still living together in the house that he owned before I met him.  He keeps telling me that he wants me to move out (because its HIS house)but I only work part time and we have two kids and I couldn't possibly support them on my pt salary.  I could go stay with a relative but I don't want to uproot my kids and move them into a cramped house.  He just told me that he'll make my life miserable until I leave.

He has such a sharp tongue and can destroy my self -esteem in under 30 seconds. The thought

being around him another minute is terrifying.

But I don't want to leave until I have some support in place. I also don't want to leave because I want to see if I can get him to leave (since he goes to his girlfriends house at least four nights a week) and my kids and I stay, in the negotiations.  However, I don't know how much more my self-esteem can take.  Did I forget to mention that he's got NPD too?

So should I leave or should I stay?

Do you have any family or support network that can help you get out of there straight away if you explain the situation?

Have you spoken to a Lawyer? There may be grounds for you to have temporary residency, to care for the children whilst property and custody settlements are arranged.

I don't know your legal position, but it is certainly worth having a discussion with a professional before you consider moving out first. It can make a big difference in later property matters.

Depending on what evidence you have, you may also be able to take out an aggravated violence order and he would then need to leave the house and not be able to communicate with you. Perhaps ring a domestic violence support group as well and gather as much information now as you can.

Knowledge is power and it helps you to regain some confidence and get your footing when everything feels so unstable and out of control.

Sunny,

I know how difficult it is to remain in the house. I am going through a similar situation, though things are fairly calm right now.

Have you already started the divorce process?  If so, your attorney can tell you what your rights are in regards to staying in the home.  If you do not have an attorney, you should call one.  I called several and each one answered some questions and provided with with information over the phone free of charge.

My BPD H also comes and goes as he pleases, spending several nights a week at his girlfriends. It is such a stressful and frustrating situation.  He has done some vindictive things to me, to make my life inconvenient (like he hasn't done enough already).   How long has your situation been going on?

Please don't take my advice as anything more than just one person to another, but I would try to stay for now. Just until you can get the legal information you need. If you are truly afraid for yourself or your children, don't ever hesitate in calling the police and removing yourselves from harms way.

I have an upcoming court date to try to get my BPD H out of the home.  I am in NY as well and am learning how the system works.  My hope is that he will have to leave based on extremely deviant sexual behavior.  I have some printouts of his online discussions and searches. I have one minor child and am finding that the courts #1 concern is the children.  I have been keeping a record of any incidents that occur, every night he does not come home, his spending, his drinking at home, etc. this way if I get a chance to answer questions I am prepared.

I know it is difficult to be strong now, harder than ever for me.  Please try to care of yourself so you can care for your children.  Let's try not to allow them to take any more from us than they already have.  Good luck to you and your children. My heart hurts more with every story I read here. I think I have more empathy, making up for what he never had!  Be well.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties... .

I too think you should seek legal guidance, perhaps there is legal guidance to be had for free through support groups or such things too, if economy is difficult... .

I live in a different country in Europe so I guess the rules concerning residency or who gets the house may differ. But here if two people are married, it does no longer matter who owned the house before the marriage, if married and there is no pre nup agreement, the worth of the house should either be split between the two parties or the court can also decide to give the house to the spouse that will be one where the children will mostly live, or where they will have their residency. And then the worth of it will not be split at all... . Maybe there are some similar clauses there too?

Hello all-

Thank you so much for your replies.  I am fairly new to his site and so far all the advice and kind words I have received have been wonderful!

To answer your questions, I do have a lawyer( I retained her one month ago) but as we all know, this process moves very slowly and as far as I know my d***head (that's my new name for him- sorry if I offended anyone) hasn't even been served yet and I haven't even really spoken to my lawyer yet.  I'm leaving today for a one week vacation with the kids and plan on calling my lawyer when I get back to see what I can do as far as having him removed from the house. He keeps telling me "I can have sex with a goat and it doesn't matter - it's a no fault state," but I can't imagine that cheating on your wife by becoming a swinger and having sex with many random people and then coming home and being intimate with me is ok?

Hardhabit - I am keeping a log of every night he's not home and every time he screams at me or the kids.  I have also seen his profile on a swingers website that he created one year ago. Is sexual deviant behavior grounds?  Because if it is then I think that would qualify, no? Please keep me posted on your court appearance.  Good luck!

Hi Sunny

I don't find your new name for your H offensive at all... . I have names for mine that are much worse!

Today is my first court date, and as you said, it is a slow process, so I am not getting my hopes up but keeping positive. My attorney's hope is that the deviant sexual behavior, and the fact that he was using the home computer and IPad, has created an unsafe and unhealthy environment for mainly our minor daughter.  Like your H he joined inappropriate websites; fetish and dating sites. I also have printouts of chat conversations where he explained in detail how he prowls Craigslists for women who want to be dominated, both physically and emotionally. His explanation is that is was just fantasy and for excitement.

It is all up to the judge, and unfortunately we all can see where society is going and what is acceptable these days. The judge may not think this is a serious issue; it clearly is not "dangerous" in the eyes of the law.  So we shall see what happens.

Good luck to you as well!

His having one night stands or affairs puts your health at risk if you have continued intimacy.  You have a right to protect yourself.  You have a right to decline unprotected intimacy - or any unwanted intimacy especially if the marriage is ending.  Let him have his goat.

Forever dad -

I am no longer intimate with the pig.  However, he's been swinging for one year and unfortunately I have been with him during the last year.  I didn't find out about the affairs and the swinging until this past June.  As a matter of fact, I was just at the doctor today getting tested.

We do still live together and when he is home he tries to corner me and get me to be intimate with him.  He tries to kiss me and puts his hands all over me.  I keep telling him NO and STOP but he won't stop until I tell him no about 100 times.  I wonder if I can use that as grounds - perhaps harassment?

He's such a disgusting excuse for a human that I'm afraid that he may just have his way with a goat!

You are being assaulted and you can get an order of protection.

Call the police, file a police report for his arrest, AND get an attorney.

Don't listen if the police tell you to move out first. They always do that because it makes their job easier. Have him removed from the home immediately if he becomes violent before you can get the protection order. But you need the police ASAP anyway.

I have been there in a  previous marriage and I know that you should not be the one to leave, if at all possible stay and always keep the kids with you. Good luck.

SweetCharlotte-

I'm very scared to get the police involved and  I'm also confused as to when I should call them. Should I call them during during his assault or after?  If I do it during then that's just going to be ugly and it will happen in front of my kids, which I certainly don't want.

I do have a lawyer. Should I start with her?

Any advice you can offer is much appreciated.  I've been with this nut job for so long I'm just a broken shell of a woman and don't know what I should do.

What advice does your lawyer give you?  A local DV center?  The police themselves?  If you describe various past incidents, they may be able to give guidance on which would merit a call for help or intervention.

In one way I think you're overthinking this.  If he's abusive, call it like it is.  The longer you wait after an incident, the weaker your case and the weaker the system's reaction.  I sometimes have given a hypothetical example:


I understand your concern about the impact of the children seeing the police arrive and maybe even take someone away.  Hopefully some others here can chime in here about your worries and whether you're viewing things objectively.  However, as I see it, they probably would have seen or heard at least some of the abuse or indications of conflict anyway.  Wouldn't it be setting a good example to them that bad behavior has consequences, that mommy stood up for proper behavior?  I'm thinking they've experienced some of his poor behaviors and they might feel better with you taking action sooner.

Forever Dad, while it's true that one has the most "urgent" case if one calls 911 during an actual incident, authorities today also realize that victims do wait for a number of reasons to report sexual assault.

From her description, she has not been raped (God forbid), but he has "put his hands all over her while she said NO repeatedly," i.e. he has molested her sexually.

So, Sunny, I would report this to the non-emergency police number and ask for the Sexual Assault Unit if there is one. If there isn't, a regular police officer will come to your home. File a report on the incidents in question; give all details of dates and times, what parts of your body were touched and the force that was used (I think you said he cornered you). Include the STD danger because he is promiscuous. I believe (though I'm not in law enforcement) that an arrest warrant will be issued for him on the spot.

You need to have him arrested in order to get the protection order. That is why it is important to give all details. If you had photos of bruises, ripped clothing, witnesses or a recording, that would strengthen your case but I don't think they are absolutely necessary.

The protection order will allow you to stay in your home with the child while the divorce proceeds. That will be a huge advantage for you in this difficult time. Best of luck.

Didn't read all the responses, but definitely get free consultations with lawyers (some will give a phone consult if you ask).  You are in a better position regarding custody if you are with the kids, so definitely don't leave them behind.  Also, have a tape recorder so you can prove that he was/is verbally abusive, and disprove that YOU are.  I think maybe you should try to stay a little longer just to know what's best legally, unless it's dangerous.  But protect yourself.  Think of yourself as a spy in enemy territory who has to survive and be crafty until you can leave.

"can't imagine that cheating on your wife by becoming a swinger and having sex with many random people and then coming home and being intimate with me is ok?"

Ewww, well, no, but that doesn't mean you'll have an advantage in terms of custody or money because of it.  Courts look at what the kids need.  If he isn't involving them, it may not matter.  That said, a lawyer in your state will know best.