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Much as I have tried to use SET and other Lessons on here, I have never used DEARMAN before, as it's always been really complicated and I'm scared to use it.

But I will have to, and soon (within these few days).  Background: Previously planned to go on vacation with H later this year, vacation leave already taken from work after he agreed on a date, then he raged about how insensitive I was, blah blah blah... . and I agreed not to discuss vacation anymore before he learns about his contract at work.  He knows his contract will be renewed last week, but he hasn't brought up the topic.  Since he's leaving me "hanging in there" (i.e. if he wants to go on vacation I can see if it's possible to change the vacation time; if he doesn't want to go I can plan something else with the leave I have), I need to ask him within these few days what he wants.

Problem is, he never seem to know what he wants, and I'm scared that he will blow up when I mention that again.  But it has to be done.

Question is, is there a "good time" to use DEARMAN?  I'm kind of "white" this week, so at least he's not annoyed at me already.  Should I let him prepare by first asking "do you want to talk about vacation plans tonight?"  But I worry it will seem like a BIG ISSUE.

Also, can anyone comment on this DEAR sequence?

Describe: It's great that you are having your contract renewed.  Remember a while ago we were saying we can talk about vacation plans after you learn about the contract?  I still have a week of vacation which I've taken from work, I haven't cancelled it yet.

Express: I would like to go on vacation with you, and want to see when you are able to go, since I’m afraid my boss won’t let me change the dates if I ask her later.

Assert: If you are able to go on vacation this year, maybe we could fix a time to go, and I can change my leave if my boss allows?  If you’re unable to go this year, then I will keep the dates I have now and take the leave anyway.

Reinforce: Then I will be able to save up future vacation days to go on holiday with you.

DEARMAN looks harder than it is. I know that it has more letters than the other skills however don't let that put you off-you CAN do it! :)

When you're doing your DEARMAN script, I think that the "MAN" part is just as important. I notice that people here seem to only use the ":)EAR" part however all the letters are there for a reason.

Your DEAR sequence is good however I think that it could be shortened down a bit. The best tip I can give for DEARMAN is KISS-Keep It Short and Sweet. Keep it simple in other words. DEARMAN is about getting what YOU want so I don't think that you need to validate your husband by making statements like "it's great that you got your contract renewed".

D: I would like to go on holiday on the following dates:__ (list them)

E: I feel like it would be a great way to celebrate you having your contract renewed

A: I've taken time off work already so I need to know whether these dates also suit you.

R: I think we would have a great time together

M: Stay Mindful. If he starts attacking, then stick to the broken record technique. Use "I need to know whether these dates suit you" as your key phrase-if you repeat it x3, then he should get the message and back off. Ignore any personal attacks.

If he tries to change the subject, then bring it back to your key phrase "I need to know whether these dates suit you". You can do this by saying "I understand what you're saying however I need to know whether these dates suit you".

A: Appear Confident. This is the most important letter in the DEARMAN skill! It's not really about getting it 100% right or having the "perfect" script-it's about appearing confident to someone else and asking for what you want in an assertive manner.

Stand up straight-maintain eye contact with your husband. Or if you're sitting, sit up straight. I would suggest standing up when you ask him because it'll probably make you feel more confident. Put your hands to the side, don't fidget. Relax your jaw if you feel it tensing up. Keep a smile on your face even if you feel anxious etc. Keep the tone of your voice even and steady. Don't raise your voice-talk in a calm manner.

Give yourself a pep talk beforehand. This is SO important! Tell yourself that you're the best thing since slice pan... that you're amazing, that of course you'll get what you want. Keep up this positive self-talk until you're psyched up and rearing to go.

When you walk into the room, walk in confidently-that's another thing. If you don't feel confident, it doesn't matter-just act the part.

Visualise that you'll get what you want. Visualise your DEARMAN going to plan and you getting exactly what you want without any issues. Visualisation can help increase your confidence and get you into the right mindset beforehand.

I would also recommend that you take a few deep breaths in and out beforehand so that you don't feel nervous.

If you feel stressed out whilst asking him, then focus on your feet on the ground-feel your feet being grounded by the floor... . it's a grounding technique that will help calm you down.

N-Negotiate: If your husband doesn't want to go on holiday, then reduce your request-maybe ask if he wants to go on vacation another time.

Or turn the tables-ask him what does he think you two should do in the situation? This can be helpful because it makes the other person feel like you're taking their opinion into consideration.

It's important to note that if your husband gets into a rage and you fear for your safety, then just say "I'll talk to you about this tomorrow" and then take a time-out and go do some self-soothing techniques. Keep some lipbalm, hand cream, makeup, music i.e. mp3 player in your handbag along with car keys so that you can go and take a drive until things settle down. The lipbalm, music, hand cream sound silly but they may help soothe you.

Assertiveness doesn't always work because of environment-i.e. an awkward person. However you have a better chance of getting what you want if you ask firmly and in a calm, confident manner.

There is a good time to use DEARMAN. Ask your husband when he's in a good mood-willing to talk and listen. Is there a certain time of day when he's in a good mood?

It's a positive sign that you're "white" this week-if your husband has a positive view of you, then you're more likely to get what you want.

I posted some links on DEARMAN on this thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206241.msg12289347#msg12289347

I found what helped me was studying the DEARMAN skill-reading over it every day and taking notes on it and trying to say it out loud without referring to the notes. That made me feel really prepared so then it didn't feel scary at all-I was ready and armed. It's like that saying "fail to plan, plan to fail". I read examples of DEARMAN to get the hang of it too-it's really all about feeling confident using the DEARMAN skill and that takes preparation and practice. It's your first time using DEARMAN so feeling a bit nervous is only natural but as I said before, you CAN do it :)

I'm not an expert on this by any means-this is just my opinion and I'm sure that other people will have other opinions which I welcome. I am against long DEARMAN scripts because I feel that if I got stressed out, I wouldn't be able to remember half of the script anyways. I think it's good to rehearse it-write it out, then if you can rehearse it with a friend and do a role-play on it, then go for it. Otherwise, rehearse it yourself-you can use a voice recorder to see if your voice sounds calm, confident etc... that's one way to gauge it too. Practice it looking at the mirror to see your facial expressions and body language-that could be a good way of practicing staying calm and confident. These are all just ideas so pick what you like and leave the rest! :)

Musicfan42 gives great tips, I just wanted to second the practicing in a mirror, I did this for a Big Issue I had recently, and I was waiting for a 'good time', I started to realise that waiting for the best time was just a form of procrastination so I gave myself a deadline of by Sunday eve, I will choose a time that is good before then, of course I couldn't choose, but I had my deadline, so I did it on Sunday eve!

Anyway, the mirror practice really helped, as well as keeping my spine straight (T told me this).

You can do this Chosen! Be brave, and just do it!

Love Blazing Star