BPDFamily.com

It's been a few months since I last posted on these boards. Things been going pretty well. I've even dated a little. The exBPD is even in some bizarre, undefined relationship with someone else. Things seem to be going well with her, so I dont want to but in. Overall, the two of us have remained civil, and while I wouldn't go so far as to call ourselves friends, we've stayed acquaintances. We haven't seen each other in months, but we still text each other a couple times a day.

Anyways. Fast forward to now. I'll be in her hometown soon, and her parents are letting me stay in their guest room (Ive remained very close, good friends with the rest of her family) while Im there for a meeting for work. She learned about it, and for about 20 minutes straight, texted me asking if she could give me a ride from the airport to her parents' house. I tried to politely turn down her offer, but she kept insisting. Finally I told her the truth. I told her I was hesitant to accept her offer because honestly, I'm not sure I can rely on her for anything anymore. There's been countless times she's just disappeared and wouldn't hear from her the the next day. She responded with "Oh sorry. Do what you want. Im willing to give you a ride though". and that was the last Ive heard from her.

Im just curious what others think. Was I a little too mean or does she deserve any sort of apology? On one hand, I feel like I owe her an apology for what I said, but on the other, it was the truth, and she might just twist anything I say to her own advantage.

Hi!

It seems to me that you are doing very well, yourself that can handle having a sort of civil communication with her, (not knowing of course the whole story), now without causing unnecessary stress to you! Good progress it seems on your part!

Having said that I don't think you have been rude to her here at all. IMO you have only been civil and have maintained your boundary by being honest in telling her that you want to decline her offer and also why... .

So I don't think you have anything to apologize for. You are there for a meeting and you need to be able to focus on that and just spending time in her family home is probably enough when it comes to handling memories and all that. So saying no to adding additional stress by seeing her, is probably just a wise choice.

What you really have told her is just that you are still vulnerable when it comes to her, and also been honest about the fact that she apparently is not so trustworthy in situations like this. And I don't see why you should not be allowed to let her know that... .

It would have been different if you would have started to rant about it or brought out a lot of other accusations or bad memories. But from what you write you didn't. So I think you instead should pat yourself on the shoulder and tell yourself you did good!

That's my thought anyway after reading your post.

Best wishes and good luck with your meeting!

Scout99

No not harsh – however I am wondering about boundaries here and mixed messages. Staying with her folks may be a trigger and texting a couple of times a day is a little more than friendship type behaviour.

sorry im going to be honest, please dont get mad but honestly. why do you think its ok to stay with her family?

i think if your breaking up with someone(especially someone who has attachment problems) you gtta break up with her family too.

if i had an ex try to stay with my family after breaking up, then be harsh if i asked for a ride i would think he had some nerve, so yes- you were too harsh. if your going to be civil, be civil, if you want to cut her out, cut her out. your blurring the lines and expecting her to be accepting of a bizzarre scenario.

sorry if this is harsh but its my honest opinion

Not at all. Personally, I don't see it that way though. I'm friends with her sisters, and her parents. We all get along, and if anything, to put it bluntly, they've always sided with me in regards to her craziness. I've known them for several years and get along with them, and and I dont see why I would need to end the friendship I have with them just because Im not dating the ex anymore. They knew I was in town and offered to let me stay, versus a hotel. Just to be clear, I also never asked for a ride. I never asked for any means of help for transportation. It wouldn't be hard to just take a taxi there. Hope that clears things up.


Care to explain? I often wondered this myself honestly. We both have jobs in IT, so we're both at computers most of the day. It's never really been uncommon for us to exchange pleasantries online, chat about what the other is doing, etc. Its never really felt any boundaries are being crossed. She's made it clear she's in some kind of bizarre relationship which I have no doubt will probably not end well, but she appears to be happy, and neither of us flirt with each other. I would like to still consider her a close friend someday, because she is a great person behind her flaws. Just not someone I can have any sort of romantic relationship with. Im not trying to defend myself, but rather just curious what kind of mixed messages you're picking up.


Appreciated. Part of me definitely did want to rant and bring up accusations of things shes done in the past to justify what I said. But instead of doing that, I came here. It's been one of the first time I've been that blunt and honest to her about my feelings.

" Personally, I don't see it that way though. I'm friends with her sisters, and her parents. We all get along, and if anything, to put it bluntly, they've always sided with me in regards to her craziness."

i guess what i meant to be blunt is, that your crossing a boundary by relating to her family about her craziness on an ongoing basis, in my opinion. maybe she would be less crazy if she had a supportive family, and sounds like she doesnt if her family is inviting her ex boyfriend to stay over, talking to him about how crazy she is. i wouldnt stand for that, and it sounds like she was being nice in offerring a ride, but on the way to her family's house you tell her you find her untrustworthy.

thats HER family.

sorry if that is blunt, im offerring you another perspective. you are accusing her of having less than positive features while you are not respectful of boundaries.

i think if you are hurting or want support for mistreatment from your Bpd ex, you should maybe look at your role as well. again... . that sounds harsh... . im doing that now by understanding things i did wrong that triggerred my ex. I just think you may have to stop and think how something like that would affect her as well. just because you and her family decided she was "crazy" (which i feel for this girl to have nobody in her corner) it doesnt mean she doesnt deserve the same respect youd give anybody, and id hope after a breakup nobody would come to my house and talk to my family about how crazy i am, so yes, to be clear, i think your being cruel and not considerring how she needs to cope from your relationship as well.

truth bomb. sorry. my opinion.

Hey Inepted... . it does seem to me that you two have "fuzzy" boundaries, to say the least.  You interact with her several times a day, you maintain relationships with her family and you are traveling to her city and staying with her family.  So, you have a close emotional connection with her... . her world, her family.  I think that implies a level of trust and vulnerability toward her.  So, it then is a bit abrupt for you to say that you don't trust her to pick you up at the airport.  It is good that you expressed your feelings toward her and it seems as though you did it politely and appropriate.  But, I wonder if the context of the comment, meaning the whole flow of your relationship, is appropriate.  If I were her, I would feel a bit "set up" by you, and would think your behavior is a bit presumptuous. 

She has an incredibly supportive family, one willing to pay for DBT therapy, medications, a therapist, everything. She has one of the most supportive families I've ever seen. You also misunderstood what I meant. She's done some incredibly stupid things in the past, blaming her situation on myself and others and not owning up to her mistakes. We don't actively talk behind her back. In fact she's one of the few things we almost never discuss. I maintain a completely separate relationship from them then I do with her.

I'm not 'hurting' or wanting support for mistreatment. I was looking whether or not I said the right thing in the situation. Quite honestly, its rather insulting for you to be jumping to so many conclusions, and Id appreciate you keep your 'perspective' to yourself if all you're going to be is judgmental. I've also been nothing but supportive of her. We've been able to maintain a friendship, and she knows I would do almost anything I could to help her. 


That's what I was worried about. We do have fuzzy boundaries to say the least. There have been a few times I have had to tell her she's saying something inappropriate. And you're right. There still is a very close emotional connection with her. And for whatever reason, she trusts me more than anyone, and I really appreciate that. And I trust her as well, however I simply cant rely on her. To her I'm still her best friend... . when it suits her. And I'm okay with that. Ive tried NC in the past, and it didn't work for either of us. We've both been working hard on maintaining and building our friendship. I would very much like to call her my best friend again someday. I enjoy talking to her in a platonic sense, and we both know that we work better as friends and nothing else. I would really hate to lose that. Could you elaborate more what you mean by the last part though, about the 'whole flow of your relationship is appropriate' ?

Inepted ... I don't think you were harsh in the least. 

But... . here is something to consider... .

I think it's asking A LOT of someone with her disorder to maintain the kind of maturity and emotional control needed in a delicate situation like the one you're both in.  Texting an ex everyday?  Maintaining close ties with her family?  Even for a person who is mentally and emotionally ordered, that can be very psychologically and emotionally challenging and confusing!  Imagine how much harder it would be in her position with the struggles she has.   

An episode like this will likely happen again in the future and it could likely lead to much worse. 

didnt mean to offend you. you asked a question, i answered it.

im sorry you didnt like my answer but that was my answer to what you asked.

if you want a specific answer mirrored back to you then i can see how your in this scenario. but im sorry. and you were not cruel, you are an upstanding, kind, caring person who deserves a reward. god bless.

I think that it can sometimes be difficult from an outside perspective, which is all that any of us here really can offer, to sometimes out of a few sentences written get the whole picture. And it very easily also is so that ones own experiences also come in to play together where most of the things you write about maintaining a friendship with an ex that in many ways have hurt you as well as being able to spend time with her family, from a strict perspective can seem a bit fuzzy... .

But just like we don't like it when our BPD SO's resort to black and white thinking, we should also look out for that in ourselves. And remind ourselves that there is not just one right and everything else wrong, but in fact there is a multitude of gray scales and colors in between too!

What I am trying to say is that yes in some cases maintaining a friendship with an ex PBD partner is the worst thing you can do, to yourself, and so is also maintaining contact with former mutual family members... . But in some cases it might be ok. We all grow in a different way... .

There are of course things to consider, to a degree, when it comes to maintaining contact like this, and that counts for both ex and her family. First of all to be true to yourself about your motives to do so. We might sometimes be a little devious towards ourselves and create a sort of official version of our motives that sounds plausible, but in reality hides a hidden alterior motive... . (I am not suggesting it is so in this case, but there are a few small signs that might point in that direction, like fuzzy boundaries between the two of you, comments here in the thread about the guy she sees, and also how it might feel maybe a bit too important to you that she sees you as a bit more important to her, than other either love interests, family or friends... . ). And if such motives exist, then it is a good thing, for you, to allow them too on your personal table of self reflection... . Which is the place we all need to visit, more than we perhaps want, in order to keep healing and growing... .

I will not moralize about maintaining contact with her family, From where I am standing I don't have the whole picture, so I will not get into that... . However a certain amount of sensitivity on your part to what your ex may feel about it, (and I don't mean then what she may or may not say, but how she actually might feel about it), is in order... . And should it come to your knowledge that she might feel uncomfortable with you hanging with her folks surface, then maybe you would have to adjust to that... . Since like someone else stated her, it is her family... .

BUT all of this is really a bit off topic, or a pretty big spin off from your original question that was not about the big picture, but a specific situation, where you wondered if you had been too harsh in letting your ex know how you felt about her offering to give you a ride. And that I think still you handled very well!

Best wishes

Scout99

I'm curious as to how 'she learned about it', about you staying in her parent's guest room?  Did you tell her during one of your couple times a day texts?

This might be veering off course here, and I might be reading this incorrectly, but I can totally understand a pwBPD (or anyone!) having trust issues when stuff like this goes on behind their backs, ya know? 

Your original connection is with her, your ex-girlfriend.  The family-relation is a by-product of that relationship.  What would have happened had you asked ex-girlfriend if she felt okay with you staying at her parents house, before committing to them?  Or getting a hotel, but taking the family out (including ex!) for a nice meal during your work-related visit to her hometown?

I agree that there are very fuzzy/funky boundaries going on here.

As far as you being mean to her for not accepting her offer for a ride from the airport goes... . YES, I think it was mean to lay out your reasons for not being able to rely on her for anything anymore, when you're staying at her parents house.

Not only do I think an apology is in order for that, but also for crossing over major boundary lines.

I understand fuzzy boundaries, inepted, I've lived them... . on both sides of the fence line.  They're crazy-making.

How would it feel to decline her parents offer for using their guest room, and book a hotel instead?