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I did the DEARMAN concerning my impending vacation on H last night.  I wasn't prepared to do it, but I met with some friends last night and they just so happened to mention going on vacation together.  They have to know whether I'm up for it.  So after I went home I basically said to H, "You remember I have taken those vacation days from work.  I would like to know what you plan is, whether you plan to go on holiday and how long it is, and what time.  If you only want to go on short trips, then we can go any time, but if it's a long trip, then I will have to cancel those days if you're not free to go then."

I would've liked us to go on a longer trip (a week or so), but this time H said he wants to go on weekend trips (he said this specifically), and said I can just keep those vacation days and go away with my friends.

Am glad we were able to have an adult conversation, come to some conclusions, and now I can get planning... . !  :)

Good Job Chosen! :) I like the way you asked your husband a lot of specific, direct questions. I notice that you also included a self-care solution to take care of your own needs-i.e. by mentioning the short trip vs the long trip. Hope your holiday goes well :)

Thanks.  I'm also glad that H helped by giving answers.  I try to be as specific as possible when I ask him questions, but sometimes when he's in a mood it will seem like nagging to him... .

I think that there can be backlash when you first start becoming assertive. People have gotten used to you just putting their needs first so when you start asking for what you want, it can seem unsettling to them. I would say keep persisting and eventually, they will have to accept it. I remember when I first started asserting myself with a friend, she was taken aback but knows now that I have clear, firm boundaries and that's it.