BPDFamily.com

There are many things that we all do as pre-emptive strikes to avoid things that drive us crazy living with a pwBPD.

These are some of the things that I do:

1)  Since H won't open a chip bag correctly (or find a chip clip to close it), when I bring home a bag, I cut the top off, fold it over, and add the chip clip.  This way I won't find a chip bag that is ripped to shreds (and can't be reclosed) since H won't open it the right way.

2) hide any non-perishables that are needed for various recipes.  H doesn't respect the fact that X item was purchased for a certain recipe or event (he'll eat it anyway), so I hide things that are needed for a specfic item.  Even small things I can hide in the fridge if I put it in a "fake container" of something that he doesn't like... . lol.   I had to resort to these tactics after H insisted on eating something that was for Christmas Day!  And, when he drank the 2 liter bottle of soda that I had on the counter with a label that said, "don't drink, this is for son's school field trip tomorrow."   Ugh!

3) I always ASK H for his choices... . even if I already know what the answer will be.  pwBPD are very childlike, and if you assume that you know their answer, they often get annoyed and will purposely say that they wanted something else.  So, even if I know that H would like XX item from a fast food restaurant, I still ask.

My friend's H also has BPD, so she made the mistake of stopping asking him if he wanted to go to an annual social event, because a couple of times he said, "no."  So, a few years later, when the subject came up about them not going that year, he said, "well, you didn't ask me, so how do you know I'll say "no."" (then he yelled at her for assuming!)   So, now she asks him every year, even though he always says, "no."  (This has the added benefit of providing proof that they don't always do what she wants to do... which was a prior clam of his.  Now, she can say, "well, I like going to XX event, but every year you say, "no.".

Also, you want to get them on the record BEFORE the event or action, because after the event/action, they'll claim that their own choice would have been different... . even if truthfully, it wouldn't have been.  For instance... . if you order a blue chair thinking he'd like a blue chair, he may later say, "I would have picked another color" just to make you feel bad.  So, ask, "is blue ok or would you prefer another color?"  Many times they'll say Blue is fine, but if you hadn't asked, later you would hear, "I would have wanted a green one." (again, like a child).

So, get them "on the record" so that they later can't truthfully claim that they weren't asked.  They may try to claim it, but you can gently remind them that you asked them and they said "no."



What do you do?

In my case this didn't work.

She would argue that I meant differently, looked at a certain manner, used the wrong words, or just didn't want to go myself.

What do you mean by:  "looked at a certain manner"?

Well, you could say, "I really want to go to XX, do you want to go?" 


Another thing I do to help keep things on schedule... .

H procrastinates and dawdles like crazy (a control issue).  So, whenever I say, "when do you want to leave, " he'll say something like: "in 20 minutes" (to give himself more dawdle time).  So, I then look at the clock and say, "it's now XX oclock. So, you want to go at XX:20?"   That gets him on the record.  Otherwise, he'll later say, "it hasn't been 20 minutes yet" because he won't have known when he said those words. 

You should ask my stbx 

She often claimed she could look into my eyes and know what I really meant, even if my words proved otherwise.


I did that one and she threw it at my feet at the end of our r/s: everything always was about me and the things I wanted.

But probably that was because I didn't know the communicationskills I learned on these boards before the ending of our r/s.

I think the suggestions here could have been a real help. 

I understand that can happen.  I've had a similar situation.  H rarely ever comes up with ANY ideas for us to do anything socially.  I'm the one who has to make all the suggestions.  So, when he would get angry, he would say that we always do what I want to do. 

So, I changed my approach.  I now always ask him what he wants to do, where he wants to go, where he wants to vacation.  He rarely EVER comes up with a suggestion... . EVER.  The only time he plans anything is if it's for going to the gym, going golfing, or going to see him mom.  When he's calm, he readily admits that if it weren't for me, he'd live a dull life and never go anywhere.   Frankly, I don't much care or give much weight to anything he says in anger because it's just "two year old tantrum" nonsense.  And, as a mother, I know that those words are just BS. 

Since your partner is a soon-to-be-ex, maybe she wasn't one that could be "worked with".  If so, then maybe you'll happily find someone else who is.  Best wishes for you. 

For me, my husband has a habbit of not eating anything during the day. His excuse is there is nothing to eat. Except that, there is plenty to eat, he just doesn't take the time to look or make it. So I always leave a list on the fridge of possible options to eat. He's always in a terrible mood if he goes all day without eating and I can't make him eat so this is the best I can do... . lol 

Another trick I do:

After too many episodes of going someplace with H, having a great time, but then something happens at the end of day, and then H declaring that the "whole day was bad", I do this... .

If we spend the day somewhere (beach, Disney, wherever), and I see H enjoying myself, I'll say, "you seem to be liking this place," or "you seem to be having a good time," or something like that.  Then, if something happens later that annoys him, I remind him that he did like X, Y, Z, so the whole day wasn't bad.

Is not wanting to go to anything social typical with pwBPD?  We rarely do anything. In fact we have done so little that when the rare topic enve comes up (I more than her briing it up) even I can't come up with something. I try to think of things she would like before I ever suggest but in the end the answer is ... nothing.

Doesn't help that she comments frequently that she hates people.

Thanks for the suggestions.  I will try to use the ones that would apply. I  don't have all that much sanity left but what I do have I'd like to keep.

Yes, with some types.  My friend's H never wants to do anything social.  On his own, H doesn't make social plans, but he will do some socializing if it's a planned thing... such as when we host a BBQ or something.  We're having one of his co-workers and wife over for dinner next week... . he's happy about that.

When we were first dating, I did have to teach him that when we're invited to someone's home for dinner, we don't just "eat and run".  I had to teach him that the invite is for the evening... . conversation, dinner, dessert, more conversation... . then go home.  lol   He thought we could arrive at 6pm, immediately eat, and leave by 6:45! 

However, H's dad also had a disorder (likely BPD), and he NEVER wanted to socialize.  I think it's because they can't control all those people.  They have to "go with the group's best interest" and go along with the event' schedule. 

I know this all too well. This exactly how my W father is.  We used to live 5 minutes away from them and when they came over he wouldn't even make it to the couch or take his coat off to visit.  Then we moved out of state and that forced him to have to stay when they vistied. Its slightly better now when he comes to visit. But he has to have some control over the situation. My W is similar in that when invited to a place she wants to eat and run. If you can get her to even want to go.

We lived 2000 miles away when we married.  H's parents literally flew in for the wedding and flew out... . even tho we lived in a popular vacation destination!

When our first child was born, his parents flew out to see the baby and be there for his baptism.  Knowing that MIL wanted to see a few things while here, we made some tourist-type of plans.  One time FIL stayed in the car the whole time!  lol... . another time he took 90 minutes in the bathroom so we were late to where we wanted to go. 

Then, after the baptism, instead of socializing with our guests at the dinner party, FIL went into our bedroom and watched TV.


My SIL (married to H's brother) once told me that the reason all the kids have "problems" is because they lived a very boring/unchanging life growing up... . never leaving their city.  Each day exactly the same.  They never went ANYWHERE.  They spent an enormous time watching TV... . and each room had a TV... . which was VERY rare in the 1960's. 

I too am finding out that  the entire family has all kinds of issues with mental health. All of the flood gates finally began to open up when the family decission to put Grandma (the family matriarch) into a retiremnt home because she couldn't live by her self anymore. Come to find out she ahd years of depression and anxiety issues that were never talked about or treated.  (You just didn't discuss that stuff in those days to anyone).  I knew my W had anxiety issues. Then we find out her sister has lots of stuff finally diagnosed. (We all suspected somethings). My wife's whole side has mental helath issues with depression and anxiety. All her unlces and cosins have it real bad. Her dad's side is just as bad. What little he has let anyone know about it. Its probably worse than what he has even let out because he won't talk about any siblings.  He has his own issues but since he is a MSW he can point out everyons problems but his own.

Now I'm not perfect but I married into a problem. We don't have kids and I will be keeping it that way. I don't want them to have to deal with this.

My husband's side of the family, especially his father's side is riddled with mental illness, major nut cases in some instances.