BPDFamily.com

Last night dBPDh and I were talking and at one point I had to leave the room... . it was just too painful.

He was saying how great he feels that soon, very soon, he will be providing me for me for life. How he must be dying and fast, since he wants to do things that he never did before... . like a kind of bucket list. Like I said, I had to leave the room.

Before I did, I looked at him and just said: " You may think that you being gone is going to be the best thing for me, that I'll be able to have a young boyfriend with a kid and live my "family" life, that I'll have enough money to sustain me for a very long time, etc. Thing is my life will not be great because my soul mate will have left me behind, so half of me will be gone forever. That thought scares me and kills me inside." I think he got what I was saying because his face went blank and he said he would try not to be "happy" of being free (that's how he sees death, his release from pain, conflicting mind games, etc.).

I know that I was not doing the right thing and was possibly igniting a huge war but I just couldn't sit there and hear him say how wonderful life will be without him. :'(

Hi Forever,

One of the biggest eyeopeners of this board I feel, is that whatever is going on in each of our lives is not unique, not so far out there that nobody can relate.

And right now I can tell you that I have experienced similar conversations many times, too many... .

My upwBPD has such a habit of telling me how great my life is going to be when she's dead, how people will be queing up to take her place and that it's ok for me to remarry but not this or that person etc. And yes, it can drive me bonkers if I'm not careful!

I don't know if it's a way to get attention, to get me to say (like you did) that I would be devasted, miss her so much etc. Although that always gets dismissed. It might be part of this endless feeling of BPD that nobody loves them because so many times she wondered would I be upset when I would bury her.

That of course gets under my skin as by now I feel I deserve a bit of credit; I feel I have proven my love by now!

But aside from BPDs genuinely feeling unlovable which might account for some of this talk, I feel it's a way to upset/ control us. A way to put us in our place, like some old people do to those around them. "You'll be ... . when I'm dead." It straight away evokes guilt and concern. And winding us up always serves a purpose it seems.

What helped for a while was taking it seriously. Pointing out that talking like that is a sign of depression and suicidal thoughts. Then expressing concern and suggesting therapy, which is the responsible thing for anyone to do when hearing someone say something like that. In my case, I also told her doctor just to make services aware and provided info on suicidal thoughts.

Maybe she started seeing things in a different light or maybe it was the fear of therapy but it stopped it for a good while.

At the same time I stopped getting upset by it because that really fuels it. It doesn't strike me you did anything 'wrong' in your approach. Although I doubt he'll ever really feel you actually care. The main thing for BPDs I think is to get a response that makes them feel 'good' at the moment so you'll have to watch out if this becomes a pattern.

All advice aside, I do totally understand how upsetting this must be for you. How easily and matter of fact they can spin these scenarios that fills us with fear. It forces our minds to places we don't want to go and don't have to.

The freaky bit is that you can even get used to it!

Best wishes

My partner has advanced breast cancer and regularly goes through these conversations. It is hard to hear, and part of it is the lack of empathy, they fail to understand how YOU will feel if this happens.

At times I get angry that she is not pulling her finger out and doing everything to fight it, but instead just embracing it and using it like a badge to milk the neediness. Everything she does reduces the odds of survival.

But what can you do? I find myself thinking if this doesn't kill her it will be some other unhealthy behavior, and however long she lives the time will be wasted wallowing in it, rather than trying to complete that bucket list. Her bucket is empty with a hole in it... :'(

I am finding myself living the bucket list instead to avoid being dragged into it. Hopefully some of it will rub off by leading by example

As much as I somewhat couldn't help myself starting to hum the tune "there is a hole in the bucket" that I think Harry Belafonte sang when I was a kid, (and in many ways than I have ever thought of before touches well on the borderline topic... . ), when I read the quotes about the bucket from waverider - I don't know how to begin trying to imagine the difficult things you are faced with here, Foreverhopefull!  

I have really only one thing to say and that is, if we cannot be allowed to slip and just say how we feel in a situation like this, then when... . ?

Just like waverider puts it the lack of empathy in these situations from our partners are devastating! Especially since it is done in some kind of twisted expression of love, all tangled up in martyrdom and self righteousness, but still completely oblivious to how we would feel... .

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time, with a huge hope that something will get him to reconsider accepting help for his illness!  

Scout99

Waverider, my heart goes out to you. In a way, I lucked out since my dBPDh doesn't use this situation as a self pity/neediness crutch. It's more like he's happy that he's finally seeing the end of all the pain and headaches he's been through in life, he's seeing that he will finally sleep without nightmares that get confused with reality, that all the pain he feels and has been feeling for decades will no longer exist. For him, death is the ultimate lottery. He's been at peace with death since he was 12, even more since he was 16. He's been looking forward to it since then, he just got sidetracked when I hopped into his life.

I decided to play his game, so right now I'm making sure our wills are according to his liking, so is his living will. I even talked about shopping for his urn and discussing details for his funeral (he's always been very vague, but now I'm asking songs, flowers, etc.). This weekend, he asked that I change the subject. I told him that each time he brings up that dying is like winning the lottery, I'm bringing up the planning and all.

I told him that my plans for a holiday in January are still on track so he better be still alive then.  He found me funny.

The reality is you are not going to kill him off by talking seriously about it. It will validate his feelings of death. His feelings are his feelings. If he feels like you are empathizing with him, conflict will lesson and he may feel like life is worth living. "nobody understands me, or takes me seriously" is one of most common reasons why people start thinking life is not worth living. Going mad on your own must be a lonely place

An analogy for this tactic is "steering into the skid" in order to regain a degree of control of a spiraling situation. You need to be on the same side before you can affect any influence.