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Title: Borderline Mother? Post by: Petipata on August 08, 2013, 05:51:40 PM Hello all,
First of all please apologies my english as it is not my mother tongue. I suspect my mother to be a borderline. During all my childhood I had the anxiety off the turn. My mother was higlhy emotional instable, depressed. We (my brothers and my fathers) were highly affraid about the turn. For any reason she can get super angry, screaming, leaving the house for days for unknown reasons. During all my childhood, I needed to take care of my mother feelings. Most of the time, like once day in a week, she offered us silent treatment for several days for some reasons. I remember she refused to talk to me for 3 days because I said that the meal she cooked was cold, I was 10 years old. My father contributed to the pattern because he would say things to me like: ":)on't get your mother started. Be kind, just say positive things, never tallk about negative things." I used to hide my feelings, my needs and my personality in order to avoid her rage. She was never diagnosed as a borderline, but she is taking antidepressant, and we knew she used to see a psychiatrist to treat her mood disorder. I am in my meed 20's, trying to understand my childhood, my fear of abandonment, my lack of emotionnal expresions, and my relationships issues. I hope that sharing my feelings with you could help me understand I was not guilty about what happened, and to be able to build some kind of self confidence. Sorry for sharing this story but it makes feel good to share my feelings sometimes :) . Title: Re: Borderline Mother? Post by: mamachelle on August 08, 2013, 09:23:35 PM Hi Petipata,
*welcome* I'm glad you found us. You have come to the right place to find ways to cope and heal. Are you in therapy now? Do you see your Mother or Father very often now? How are your brothers doing now? Do you talk with them or some of them about your childhood? Are some of them still living at home? Here are some links for you to look at: Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118781.0) BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982) Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html) Looking forward to hearing more of your story. Yours, mamachelle Title: Re: Borderline Mother? Post by: Kwamina on August 09, 2013, 02:40:49 AM Hello Petipata
Thanks for sharing your story! It’s very important to talk about your experiences and bpdfamily is a very good place to do so. You’ll find that many people on here can relate to many aspects of your story. I suspect my mother to be a borderline. During all my childhood I had the anxiety off the turn. My mother was higlhy emotional instable, depressed. We (my brothers and my fathers) were highly affraid about the turn. For any reason she can get super angry, screaming, leaving the house for days for unknown reasons. Ah yes, the dreaded turn! I was afraid of this too, always looking for signs that would tell me if my uBPD was possibly gonna turn into the witch again. It’s very stressful when you always gotta be on guard for possible attacks by your own mother. Our parents are supposed to protect us but we actually needed protection from our parents. During all my childhood, I needed to take care of my mother feelings. Most of the time, like once day in a week, she offered us silent treatment for several days for some reasons. I remember she refused to talk to me for 3 days because I said that the meal she cooked was cold, I was 10 years old. I’m very sorry your mother treated you this way. It’s emotionally very draining when you always gotta take care of someone else’s feeling and basically aren’t allowed to have feelings of your own. The silent treatment is very hurtful and confusing when you’re just a 10 year old. My uBPD mom can be highly manipulative and when I was younger she would sometimes use the silent treatment to ‘punish’ me for something I had done wrong. My brother was an expert in applying the silent treatment, he could keep it up for weeks. What kind of relationship do you have with your parents now? Does your mother still treat you this way? My father contributed to the pattern because he would say things to me like: ":)on't get your mother started. Be kind, just say positive things, never tallk about negative things." I used to hide my feelings, my needs and my personality in order to avoid her rage. This sounds like your father was an enabler and probably also very afraid of your mother’s behavior. The problem is that this sent the wrong message to you, it’s almost like saying it’s your fault when your mother misbehaved because you supposedly weren’t nice or positive enough towards her. She was never diagnosed as a borderline, but she is taking antidepressant, and we knew she used to see a psychiatrist to treat her mood disorder. This is very similar to what I experienced with my own mother. She also used to take anti-depressants and was also treated by a psychiatrist for a while. I don’t know if she was diagnosed as BPD, if so she never told us. But to me it’s clear that she has BPD. I am in my meed 20's, trying to understand my childhood, my fear of abandonment, my lack of emotionnal expresions, and my relationships issues. I hope that sharing my feelings with you could help me understand I was not guilty about what happened, and to be able to build some kind of self confidence. The issues you describe are very common in children of BPD parents. You’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. You weren’t guilty or at fault, remember that you were just a very young child and as children we are very dependent on our parents. In many ways we are powerless when our parents mistreat us. It’s difficult to accept this reality of our childhood, but fortunately we aren’t that young and powerless anymore. Now that you’re an adult you can try to learn new ways of dealing with your parents and also start working on healing from your painful childhood. Good luck on your journey towards new insights and healing! Title: Re: Borderline Mother? Post by: Petipata on August 10, 2013, 03:56:43 AM Thank you for you support, it's great to have a place to tell my story.
Are you in therapy now? Do you see your Mother or Father very often now? How are your brothers doing now? Do you talk with them or some of them about your childhood? Are some of them still living at home? I started a therapy several months ago. My therapist made me realised that what I used to live was not normal. I am not living in the same town as my parents anymore, I see them every 3 months or something. I hide everything to her, she knows nothing about me. I realised I never had the chance to shared my feelings with her. So I am a kind of stranger for her I imagine. My older brother used to have strong attachment/anxiety issues, he saw a psychiatrist during 5/6 years when he was teenager. I once talked about our childrood with him two years ago and he was very resentful, calling her crazy. He was more the "bad child" when I and my twin brother were the "all good child". My mother is doing better now, but I am always surprised to see how my father is terrified anticipating her reactions. Title: Re: Borderline Mother? Post by: mamachelle on August 10, 2013, 11:40:13 AM Hi Petipata,
I am so glad to hear you are in therapy and taking time to read and post and learn and heal. You will find a lot of support here. Perhaps at some point you can revisit discussion with your brother(s) but for now it seems safest to work on yourself. I find my own brother and I had very different experiences with our uNPDSmom. It used to anger me but now I am ok with it. I love my little brother and understand that Smom treated him better than me. I have also been in therapy many years and I think he prefers to work things out on his own. mamachelle |