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Title: I was alienated from my father as a child... Post by: Undone123 on August 09, 2013, 01:31:06 PM Just taking personal inventory, wondering if anyone could shed any light... .
I ended up in a relationship with a uBPD. It was definitely emotionally abusive, quite severe. I'm trying to work out why I stayed, had codependent traits, and make sure I don't end up in the same mess again. My mother, alienated me from my father from 5 years old. My early childhood memories are quite traumatic. Anyway, she has histronic traits, bad mouthed my father to me from that young age, remarried (encouraged me to call step-dad "dad), through away photo's, errassed him from my life pretty much. I saw him once a year from 4 to 13, when I started kicking up a fuss to see him, and then saw him more regularly. Still it was never allowed to happen unconditionally. He bought me a games console once and if looks could kill, I'd have been dead... . Anyway, today has triggered some big arguements between me and my mother. Healthy ones I'd say, heated discussions! I am moving some things out of hers, and some of the things include photo albums. The photo's of me and my father she allowed me to throw away at about aged 7... . I got annoyed about this, and the rest and confronted her. I confronted her on similar things relating to my father 2 weeks ago... . Anyway, my mother hasn't really apologised. Just justified it with crap. Selfish... . How can I move on from this? Any similar experiences? How has this implicated on my relationship with uBPDex? Title: Re: I was alienated from my father as a child... Post by: Rose Tiger on August 10, 2013, 11:25:16 AM It's rough, to forgive someone that shows no signs of remorse. I wouldn't bother confronting my dad, he'd rationalize it, too. What helps is to realize he was also abused as a child, and how sad and miserable his life has been. If I can focus on the child, I can feel compassion.
You are half your dad, when she bad mouthed him, she was bad mouthing what makes up half of you. Leading to low self esteem, leading to the BPD r/s. First up is to stop any self critical thoughts that echo your mother's voice, they are a bunch of hooey. Title: Re: I was alienated from my father as a child... Post by: Undone123 on August 13, 2013, 04:05:45 PM Thanks for the response :) We are there now, all resolved and forgiven... . My mother definitely has some traits of histronic! I definitely see her in a slightly different light now, although still with the same . It's no wonder I ended up in this relationship, my mother is a tamer version of her! Amazing.
The self esteem is a definite issue, and being worked on big time! I am proud of where I came from :) Title: Re: I was alienated from my father as a child... Post by: Rose Tiger on August 14, 2013, 07:49:43 AM Good on you. You have a right to be angry about the pictures and it's ok to be sad about being alienated from your dad. People with PDs expect their children to be of the same mind in regard to who they like and don't like. How can a kiddo possible fight back against that? They can't, they have to put their feelings aside and align with the person they depend on for survival. But those feelings don't go away, can you work with a therapist to process the feelings as they surface?
Title: Re: I was alienated from my father as a child... Post by: Undone123 on August 14, 2013, 07:57:16 AM Yea I've had some therapy... . and have a counsellor who I can see when ever I want to which is really good. The things I struggle with are my assertiveness and not articulating my true feelings, and anxiety. So I'm learning to be mindful which is really really helpful. I have a codependent streak but mindfulness has blown it out of the water :)... . I've naturally always accepted my situation. I've had to really, so I'm on the path to radical acceptance, so that's what I'm looking into now. Hell I might just become a Buddhist :)
Title: Re: I was alienated from my father as a child... Post by: Rose Tiger on August 14, 2013, 08:04:11 AM Me, too. The assertiveness thing. Just being a bit assertive felt like I was being aggressive! And sometimes I'd go totally past assertive into very aggressive. My T said it's like a pendulum, swinging from doormat to aggression, she said it will settle to healthy assertive as I go back and forth and increase my assertiveness skills. You have to be forgiving of yourself when you don't get it right, unconditional self love and all that. So much of it is getting outside my usual comfort zone and the internal voices saying, you aren't doing it right, doormat is safe, don't do this. Having to fight through it is difficult.
Like with your mom and bringing up the subject. That took courage and overcoming old fear. Title: Re: I was alienated from my father as a child... Post by: Undone123 on August 14, 2013, 08:07:13 AM I agree with the pendulum thing... . even in my past relationship I would either be a door mat, or then realise I was being a door mat and end up going over the top.
It will settle! :) |