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I've been in NC with my ex for some time now (not too long, I haven't been counting, but its not more than a couple of weeks). Her birthday is coming up, and I'm starting to miss her. I've been depressed, but I didn't want her back, but now, the dull depressive like state is starting to be replaced by agony. I'm in a bad, painful place.

This is where I was at the beginning of this week, it's awful. I wrote a list of the unhealthy things I've been through since we first got together & it sorted me right out.

I'm sure everyone here can relate to what you are saying here - I certainly do.

When I find myself slipping back into that negative 'head-space' I get real busy - fill my life with positive & joyful experiences & get the good hormones flowing through my body. Kind of like tricking our bodies into a healthy physical/emotional state ... . tricking is not such a good word but I'm sure you know what I'm trying to say here ... .

Spend time with quality people sharing a few laughs along the way, watch some comedy, help and old lady across the road being rewarded with genuine appreciation and a smile, work, redecorate your house, a new hobby, anything and everything positive. Get the good hormones flowing (joy, laughter, make a big list here). Drive out the bad thoughts with good thoughts. Make a list and get real busy - go for it... .

Hey Cska, I saw your post earlier today but didn't have a chance to reply, but I have wanted to.

I am sorry you are hurting man. You have warm hearts here that know the pain however. That alone, for me, was a great source of comfort.  It is hard to go out and face the world and be around our friends while harboring this sadness inside us. I think often we beat ourselves up even more because we see all of the other people in our lives going about their business as usual, while inside we feel defeated and empty.  We ask "what is wrong with me, why can't I snap out of this"... . our friends usually don't understand.  They think it is "just another breakup" and wonder why we are so affected.  The truth is, no one can understand until they have gone through it.  People simply don't get it.

I wish there was a magic, quick cure that would make how we feel go away.  It is bar none the worst pain I have ever encountered, made all the worse by the fact that we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it is there.

Maybe an odd analogy, but have you ever had REALLY bad stomach cramps? Ones where you just have a dull ache but every 30 seconds or minute or so you get super intense, incredibly painful cramps that last for 10-15 seconds before fading back to the dull ache? The agony of that is intense... . just sitting there, waiting for the next round.  I liken our recovery from our BPD relationships to this cycle.  We have to weather the storm so to speak, stick it out and just grit our teeth through the pain.  There is no quick fix.

And now, to quote a song,

Every storm runs out of rain.

peace and strength brother