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Guys, I can't do it. I've been in NC, and in my previous posts I've written that I've been depressed, and everything was bland and dull. Now I'm feeling agony. Not just dull, I'm in excruciating pain. I miss her to death. I can't stand it any longer. I've broken NC, and asked her how she was doing. She didn't reply. Then I checked her social networking profile, and she posted ":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it."

I can't do it, I miss her to death. Many of you say that your ex has cheated on you, but mine never cheated. She was always faithful. She made insane demands, and she threatened me with suicide almost daily, but she never cheated. Also, now it doesn't seem to be with anyone, even though i know many of you write that your exes have moved on almost instantly.

I can't take it any more, I'm in so much agony. What did I ever do to deserve this pain? Damn it, I miss her to death, why is this happening? So much pain, I don't know what to do with myself...

Cska, that is really hitty that she said that. It is in occurrences like this that we can truly see that we cannot rely on them for our happiness or for validation.  You are hurting, badly.  You reached out to her because she is still your primary attachment... . it is incredibly hard to detach yourself from your primary attachment.  It is like stripping away a part of yourself... . I don't know if you have seen any of the spider man movies with toby macguire, but there is one I believe where he gets taken over by some sort of black substance that turns him evil... . there is a scene where he is ripping it off of him, and he is struggling to the point that it looks like he is ripping off his own skin.  It is an apt comparison... . I feel legitimate in saying that in detaching and moving on from my BPDex I have had to accept the death of a part of me.  The word death carries a generally negative connotation, but in this case it is a mixed blessing.  It hurts like hell... . but in the long run, we are better off for it.

I want to share something that I talked about in my therapy session today... . I told my therapist that I had a new found appreciation for a few different concepts in light of dealing with the breakup. Concepts like "journey" and "grace".  I have explained how I feel about the concept of this process being a journey in several other threads, but I have not shared my thoughts on the concept of grace.

My therapist asked what I meant.  What does grace mean to me? I said something of the following:

Grace is accepting what is happening and giving yourself permission to feel it.  It is surrendering yourself completely to the experience.

It is an odd concept... . maybe one that only makes sense to me.  But let yourself cry.  Let yourself feel.  There is no way around the pain.  pwBPD try and try and try to find a way, and it only leads to more pain.  The only way is THROUGH the pain.  You have to feel it.  Accept it. Own it.

Saying things like "life goes on" or "there are other people out there" or "you'll get over it" is completely ineffective in situations like this, and frankly in my opinion downright insulting.  The pain that we deal with during these relationships and in the fallout after is of a unique kind... . Many people do not surrender themselves to it, they fight it and get lost in it... . but those who do, transcend the normal responses... . the anger and the shame.  You find new meaning and potential in all of it.  I am... . at peace with the fact that all of this happened to me.  Without my BPDex, without all of the pain and suffering she put me through, I would not have the opportunity that I do now.  This experience has opened up a window into myself, one that looks far deeper than any other, and with it I can do some real self examination and figure out who I really am and what I am really made of.


I understand that all of this seems like nonsense... . How could there be anything but pain?  I have felt it too. I know how badly it hurts.  I am not pressuring to "look at this differently, focus on yourself, etc.  Recovery is a path that we must all walk alone, at our own pace.  There are certainly those there to encourage us, and help us, but it is us as individuals who must put one foot in front of the other.

Again, I am sorry to hear of you hurting.  It hurts me because I know how badly it hurts.

Strength and Peace Brother.

You are doing yourself a disservice by asking what you did to deserve this pain.  It reminds me of how, after I caught her cheating again and broke it off with her, I told my BPDex that I was "sorry I wasn't good enough".

These statements JUST AREN'T TRUE.

You had the experience you did with your BPDex because SHE IS DISORDERED.  She was disordered before you, and she will be after you.

There is a short segment of song lyrics I have found very appropriate from the song "Here is Gone" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

I'm not the one who broke you

I'm not the one you should fear

We've got to move you darling

I thought I lost you somewhere

But you were never really ever there at all

We were not the ones who caused our BPDex's so much pain.  I can say without reservation that I was one of the most, if not the most, genuine, kind person that my BPDex has ever had in her life.  We did not break our BPDex's... . but we still receive the behavior and coping mechanisms that they have developed in response to the hurt they have endured throughout their lives.  The last two lines... .

To me, that says

"It seems like I failed this relationship

But it was never possible to succeed in the first place".

I have found that looking at specific instances of hurt within my relationship leads me back to hurt, anger, and confusion.  But when I look at a broader picture, when I place my 9 months with my BPDex in the timeline of her life, knowing what I know of her history, what I see clearly is simply just another chapter in a book that has read the same the entire way through. 

At 22, my BPDex has been married and divorced, engaged 2-3 more times, slept with MANY, MANY guys, and been in physically and sexually abusive relationships. In the 9 months that we dated, she was at one point dating three guys in three different cities at once, and on at least 2 other occasions dating 2 guys at once.  When our relationship started, she never even broke up with her boyfriend back in her hometown.  I remember vividly, the night we met, her first night in town, her telling me that she had broken up with her boyfriend that morning.

My BPDex set the bar for that relationship before it even started.  It had nothing to do with me being good enough or not; I didn't even have time to influence anything.  The same concept applies to you and your relationship.  This thing was out of your hands before you ever had the chance to lay hands on it.

Octoberfest, thank you you so much for your reply, it really means a lot to me.

I couldn't sleep tonight, I'm in horrible pain. I just found out that my gf's ex (the one who was her ex before I met her), retweeted the tweet where she said ":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it." And in his tweets earlier this month, he wrote "this b**ch is such a mess throwing her ex in my face lol lord only knows the times shes thrown me in his. I'm Happy Its Finally Done" And then implied that they were going to hook up. I know that they are talking now, and she would always use him as a shoulder to cry on when she would be upset at me. One time when we broke she hooked up with him.

When we last spoke over e-mail, I told my gf that I can't be with her because want her to get better so that we could have a normal relationship. I never said anything mean to her.

I want to wake up from this nightmare and this hellish pain.

Please, anybody who is reading, offer me some words of comfort, I cant take it, I can't take it...

Earlier today, before I found out all of this, I was thinking about sending her her favorite flowers on her birthday that's coming up, I wanted her to be happy. Ugh, I want to wake up from this hell, my life was so good before all of this... Oh god.

cska, you love her so you're in pain. I and everybody else here feel or have felt exactly the same as you. Hang in there. 

Be strong because you are stronger than you think you are. You can change, you can get through the hurt, and you are the only one who has the power to do that for yourself.

I know how you feel. The agony and hurt is relentless. It feels like the world around you is spinning and your ex is but a stranger now. We have been in your shoes and know the heartache you are feeling. It is hard to detach from someone you care for. What really made me see things differently was when my ex started to paint me black. It was like I was standing before a complete stranger. I was already feeling down that he had abruptly broken up with me. But to have him rub salt into my wounds was the ultimate low. It made me see things from a different perspective. I knew all the things he was saying was untrue but yet I still blamed myself for doing something wrong. I don't know exactly what or when but one day I sat there in the middle of his rages and I got angry. I wasn't having a pity party for myself, wasn't trying to make him see the light, and wasn't trying to defend myself. I didnt try to save him... . whatever that meant. I just had this ephiphany where a click went off in my head that said "wait a minute... . this isn't right. I can't let him continue to treat me this way regardless of how unhappy he is with himself ".  This is when I began to go in protection mode of my heart. This is where you need to be. You need to reach a point where you truly see your value and worth. You need to reach a point where you can stand on your own and realize that sometimes people come into your life but they're not meant to stay or be there right now. You need to come to a place where you can see thru different eyes and see that your ex is not well and that she is bringing you down and all the while not giving a rats a$$ about it. It hurts to think about that, but you can't change her and her disordered logic. It's not that you are a bad person. It's probably the opposite... . you're a good person, who if were in a healthy relationship, would not even be in this position of trying to figure out how you got involved in this trauma bond.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. I know you want to reach out and you want her to do the same. I felt that way for a long time... . still have these feelings but at a lower degree now. I've been busy keeping busy... . doing a lot for myself and improving the areas that were neglected in the last few months. Keep busy and surround yourself with positive people. It takes time to heal. We cannot control the actions and feelings and emotions of anyone but ourselves. Remember that anyone who cares about you wouldn't let it be on terms where it sacrifices your integrity, respect, self esteem and worth. Hang in there... .

Cska

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. I struggle everyday with waiting to hear from my ex BPD. I check her fb page and when my phone beeps I pray that it is her. It isn't and my heart just breaks all over again. I haven't heard from her in 14 days and I so.desperately want to contact her. I can't eat sleep I cry all the time lately my body shakes and my head and heart just ache.

Posting on this board helps, talking to friends, and journaling helps. It all helps but the pain doesn't go away. We have to feel it and go through it. It sucks because at times I feel I can't function. I want to crawl under a rock and die. But I will not let her get the best of me. I will fight to get me back. As painful as it is or as.much as it hurts I will get through this and win this battle. It's a long road. Over four months for me now and it scares me that I may never feel like myself again. But like everyone on these boards says one step at a time. Hang in there.

Hi cska!

I'm so sorry to hear of the pain and anguish you are feeing right now. You've gotten many words of wisdom already, and there's not much else to say except that you have support, empathy and friends all around you. Talk it out here, and know that you will make it.

I can only tell you from my own experience that cutting all ties is what helped me detach. No facebook, no twitter, no birthday cards, no anything. While you are feeling the way you do, there is no happy medium. Maybe someday you can establish civility. In the meantime, you have to regroup, heal and decide to get yourself back on track. It will take time. Keep yourself occupied, reach out to friends, develop a healing plan, and reward yourself for getting through each day headed in a healthy direction. I promise you, you can do this!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Hi cska,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I remember that pain, it's so  deep and I wondered if I would ever feel like myself again.  I am very glad that you reached out to the members.  Your post is very honest and you are obviously feeling what is there, and at times it feels overwhelming, raw, like a black hole.

You are not alone, you will get through this.  I did, and I honestly didn't know if I would - in fact, I didn't care.  This is the dark night and it's hellish, but the daylight brings with it so much wisdom and a newfound love and understanding for yourself and others. 

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

Cska so sorry to hear how you are suffering. How she and her ex are behaving is immature, pathetic... . words fail me.

This person is not worth the care and love you are clearly capable of giving. You're better than her. By miles. Keep telliing yourself this.

3 months ago I wanted to die. Only this board, friends, time and patience got me through it. It hurt so much I didn't sleep properly for 6 weeks and thought I would die or was already dead, like he turned me inside out. It was just vile.

But now things have shifted. It's not great, I'm anxious and down, I feel I wasted 3 years of my life... . but that's the point... . I see the WASTE. How he was not worth it, how he used and abused me. I don't want to please him or apologise to him any more. He is no longer in control of my head.

That's just a natural process and will also happen to you. With time. Which will hurt.

Like the  nursery rhyme says- 'you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go round it- y ou have to go through it'

Truth from the mouths of babes :D

-

Wally... thank you for saying that... this has been one of hardest things I had to wrap my brain around.  My exBPD has literally lie about me, to me right down to his own false fathers death (who does that?), but what still stabs me multiple times is how he uses the suicide card against me.  When he tried this card the last time, I didn't react they way I should of in his mind... so now I am someone who kicked him down while he was at his lowest (his own words)... which now makes me lower than scum in his eyes and to the people he is getting pity from... what a horrible woman I was to do such a thing! Kicking someone down when they are talking suicide.  But I knew, this was a manipulation tool and called him out on it!

So thanks for that comment... it is abuse!

CSKA,  . You CAN do this!  The battle between what is healthy and what is not is greater than any choice we've had to make... but keep in mind, we are all here for the same reasons... to feel healthy and whole again again.  It's a long and painful journey... but in the end, it's a healthier one.  Trust your heart and instincts... someone doesn't have to cheat on you to make a r/s unhealthy.  Mine didn't either.

I was just reading an article about how to recover from a BPD and narcissistic relationship. I am having a horrible time getting over mine. The article talked about the relationship being like drug addiction like many people here spoke of. What I found interesting was it said You have to spend time retraining your brain to think of other thoughts. My mind is constantly thinking of her. To the point where i feel I am going insane and I am in a deep depression. The article says that the more we think about them the stronger those bonds and connections in our brain become so to break that bond and help heal we need to form new memory bonds. It states that doing computer memory games distract  the mind and forms New connections and bonds making the older bonds and connections weaker. I don't know if it's true but at this point I will try anything. So I will be googling computer memory games and playing them all day and night. Like I said I will try anything at this point.

How are you doing this morning CSKA?  I hope you got some sleep.

Like Validation78 said, stop looking at your ex'es online activity.

What has helped me with not only my recent messy and mean breakup with an uBPD guy, but also my last serious relationship before him was that I decided these men were dead to me. With the one bf before the uBPD guy, when we broke up after four years together and he walked out of our apartment door with his last possessions, I told myself, "that's it, I'm really finished." I vowed to not call him, Google his name, or find him on social media. Thank god he never signed up for Facebook, so that part was easy. However I did send a message to his family and friends who were my FB friends and explained I had to delete them because of the breakup. I stuck to this for two years while I processed the breakup grief. Now I don't have any feelings about that ex. Zero.

With my recent uBPDexbf, we had a weird Facebook thing anyway, where throughout our relationship he kept deleting me as a connection for whatever reason, then he would refriend me. He didn't like being my FB friend. It made him uncomfortable and there was always drama attached to it. Anyway, after we broke up two months ago I blocked him altogether from FB so I wouldn't be tempted to check out his profile. I also unfollowed him on Twitter and I stopped Googling his name in web and image searches.

In short, help the healing by avoiding any online connection, stalking, reading, investigating of your ex.

1) Don't Google her name. Just. Don't.

2) Block her and anyone she is associated with on Facebook

3) unfollow her and anyone else in her circle on Twitter and do not read Twitter updates by her or anyone she is connected to

What I do when I feel like breaking my online boundaries is I think about how crappy I would feel breaking them. I want to be the one coming out strong in this horrible breakup and sticking to boundaries gives me power. It's like I'm saying to him: You can't control me. I don't care what you are doing with your life. Plus, I don't want to be further hurt by seeing a picture of or reading some online mention of him with another woman. My biggest fear is I will Google his name and a damn wedding announcement will be among the search returns. I don't want to put myself through that.

If you refrain long enough, you start to really feel it. When you are truly away from them, after a while your ex'es life becomes less interesting.

CSKA I have felt that same agony. I committed my self to n/c. No texts. Blocked Facebook. No phone calls. She was playing some kind of game with Facebook where she would like my pics and posts. Not really sure why. It kept me grief stricken. I have plenty of memories that already do that and when she would interact with my Facebook profile it would just inflame my suffering. Hardcore no contact has seriously helped me. I know it's different for everyone. I know this is one bridge that must be burned. Not to seek revenge but for me to HEAL and detach. It's over and I still suffer. It is slowly getting better. Posting here and no contact have been the most relief from my sorrow and sadness yet. Dating made me feel like I was just using people. Didn't feel right. It did help temporarily but all I wanted to do was bash my ex to my dates and they were very turned off by that. Understandable.

  I got so agonizingly depressed that I saw no relief and was at the limit. I was planning suicide. Was going to hang myself. I'm better now. Over that. Gives me the creeps now when someone says "hang in there" ... . Lol. Laughing now. Feels way better than crying.

-

Octoberfest, learning_curve, danley, WillTimeHeal, Val, heartandwhole, delusionalxox, WallyGator, Jonie, Notthesame64, Emelie, peas, Perfidy, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement.    I'm so sorry that all of you are going through pain. This pain, I would not wish it on an enemy. This was one of the worst nights of my life. This was the worst I've ever felt I think, I thought I wasn't going to make it...

I didn't check my ex's social networking profiles for almost 3 months now, but yesterday I fell. Its hard to carry on...

Emelie, thank you for asking how I am. No, I wasn't able to sleep, I was drifting in and out of sleep. Towards morning, I started to get a bit angry at the way she treated me, and that sort of mollified the pain. But I'm afraid the pain will return. I don't want to go back to that state, its hell, its pure hell.

She seems so happy on her profiles, and even though I know its not correct, I can't help thinking that her pain was in part my fault. But I did the best I could, I did my best to love her.

Also, she is in therapy right now, so I can't help thinking that she will get better, and do well for herself, while I'll be writhing on the floor in terrible agony...

Many of you say to live through the pain, embrace it, but I don't think I can. The pain is tearing me apart, I can't handle it, led alone embrace it and fight through it. It brings me to me knees, I'm powerless against it. It has total control over me, and I can't do anything against it, I'll completely overpowered by it.

While we were dating, her ex talked trash about her on twitter, he tweeted that he didn't believe in her. I've always supported her, I always believed in her, I never insulted her. WHY DOES SHE KEEP COMING TO HER EX FOR SUPPORT? WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? While we were dating, this guy tweeted that he hoped I would get AIDS. Why does she keep coming to him? Why did she always go to him when we weren't together instead of fighting for me. Am I really this crappy...

Why am I not good enough but he is? Why? I did my best to love her, I never insulted her. WHYYYY?

Cska, you are doing yourself a disservice by asking questions like this that only serve to hurt yourself. On top of that, they are not even fair questions to ask.

You have seen enough on these boards to have read about people who's BPDexes try and recycle weeks, months, years afterwards.  A breakup can be incredibly ugly, with the non painted the darkest shade of black, and sometime later the BPD comes back like nothing has happened and attempts to start right back up again.

Honestly I think an apt comparison to being a relationship partner of a BPD is like walking into the DMV and taking a number.  To those sitting at the counter, you are simply another anonymous face, just another number.  The same can be said of much of the relationship with a pwBPD.  That hurts, A LOT to think, but let me explain and I promise you will feel better.

I firmly believe that my BPDex loved me.  But I also firmly believe that we DID NOT start dating because of some magical connection we had, or because we had a lot in common, or for any other "normal" reason two people become attracted to each other.  We both had needs that we needed/wanted to fill.  My BPDex NEEDED someone to love her/care for her/give her validation.  I had never dated before or been emotionally close to a girl, I WANTED to be loved.  For awhile, we were in love with what the other could DO for us... . it was only later that we fell in love with each other for who we were as people.  This is the first time that I have related this concept in which I have said "we"... . and that has evolved because I have a greater awareness of WHY I was drawn to my BPDex and WHY I was in that relationship.  That all comes with time.

My real point here is that who we are as people, the things that we have to offer the world, all of our good traits, come SECOND to the validation and feelings of being wanted that we provide JUST by being human.  The thing that matters most to pwBPD IS NOT who we are as people.  It is how we can make them feel.

I told my BPDex at one point after the breakup, "You always told me how much you loved me... . how I could never understand or grasp just how much I meant to you.  The truth is you loved the way I could make you feel."

I think a post I made in another thread would be useful here as well, so I will copy at paste it.  To give some context, the discussion was our BPDex's in their new relationships and why they are there.


They fly back to an ex or to a new person after the breakup because they NEED someone to cling to.  They need someone to give them the validation and feelings of self worth that they are incapable of giving themselves.  IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO IT IS THAT IS GIVING IT TO THEM.

The truth is, IT DOESN'T matter how wonderful or great or awesome you are; that is NOT what pwBPD are looking at and making decisions on.  

That DOES NOT make you any less great or worth any less! It just means that your BPDex is incapable of appreciating it. I know that if I walked into the louvre and saw two abstract paintings side by side, one by a famous, multimillion dollar painting making artist, and one by a completely untalented nameless artist and had to guess which was which, I would be flipping a coin.  I don't have the ability, the appreciation, to tell good art from bad art.

When BPDex's come back and make recycle attempts with us, it is because they have found themselves yet again in need of the validation and feelings of love/being wanted that we are able to provide.  Their current source has dried up, so they go looking.

I think it would be helpful for you to think a little about the concept of communication/cause and effect.  Not purely in the sense of communication like verbal or written, but in all walks of life.  Communication like say... . something that sends a signal and another something that receives that signal.  

Perhaps an analogy will help (i'm going to be famous for these soon)... .

Imagine you drop your cell phone and it is damaged.  Now when you talk to people on the phone, you are able to speak into your phone and they hear what you say, but when they speak into their phones, you are unable to hear what they are saying because the speaker in your phone is broken.  Lets say you have 5 friends, and you experience the same troubles with every single one of them.  But, when any of those 5 friends call each other, they are all able to communicate normally with each other.  All of their phones work, it is yours that is damaged.

So, what would you conclude here?

Would it be that

A. Because you cannot hear what anyone else is saying, it is EVERYONE ELSES phones are damaged, there is nothing wrong with yours

or

B. Because you cannot hear what anyone else is saying, it is your phone that is damaged.

The parallel to BPD that I am trying to make here is that IT IS NOT YOU who is not good enough/damaged/ineffective/whatever. You are putting out PERFECTLY good signals, she just can't pick them up and see them for what they are, even though everyone else can. It isn't an issue on your end; it is on hers.


Whew... . that was a brain bender to write.  Hopefully it makes sense  lol

Cska,

Maybe it will help to look at this in a different perspective. Perhaps you could look at it this way... . YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR HER! YOU DID ALL THAT ANY NORMAL WOMAN WOULD APPRECIATE AND CHERISH. YOU WEREN'T THE PROBLEM. All your gestures and acts of kindness and support would be something any NORMAL HEALTHY woman would want from a man. Unfortunately your ex is not normal or at least seems to fight with an illness. I know you try to find reasons why she would treat you this way, but you cannot find order in an disordered mind like hers. Don't be so hard on yourself. From my perspective,  it seems like you'd be a total catch for some lucky lady out there who will appreciate what you bring to the table and would be more than willing to reciprocate. And yes, there ARE still NORMAL healthy people out there who want the same things out of a relationship like you probably do.

Being completely overpowered by the pain isn't a bad thing.  I've been there.  We get frantic when we try to resist it, stop it.  Try to accept it.  You're hurting badly.  It's complete hell right now.  It's okay.  This too shall pass.  Let yourself feel it.  

LOL you just covered all the bases of my post in about a thousand words less.  |iiii

Danley - Your post made me think.  I keep thinking what was wrong with me that he rejected me?  Did he want someone younger?  Prettier?  More domestic?  Why wasn't I "the one"?  You help me remember that I was "the one" for awhile.  Just like all the others were "the one" for awhile.  Some of them younger, prettier, and more domestic.  He talked about his XGF's a lot.  (Made me nuts and if I even brought up my XHB he'd freak out.)  But in any case in some weird way I was jealous of them.  Funnily enough I'm now one of them.  And I think how he'll bring me up with a future girlfriend and wonder how she will feel. 

But the one he pined or the most?  The one who left 3 months in.  After the first sign of BPD she split.  That's because he was still in the idealizing stage.

I try to remember there was nothing fundamentally wrong with me.  I am a good person.  I loved him.  I dealt with his BPD the best I could.  I supported him fully in every way.  It just got to the point one night where I couldn't deal with his verbal abuse and I left.  Leaving was a deal breaker.  He had told me that many times.  But I felt like he very ambivalent about the relationship in the weeks leading up to it.  So I keep asking myself why?  What changed?  Why was he feeling ambivalent about me?  What was wrong with me?  I have to remember nothing was wrong with me.  And everything was wrong with me.  The closer the relationship with a BPD the more these behaviors trigger.  What was wrong was I was there.

CSKA,

Sorry that you are in pain.  I understand, a few months ago I was there.  I never felt such an intense pain.  The emotional pain was so strong that I could physically feel it.  I knew that I could not take this.  Each moment was a struggle to take another step.

I wish I had some magic to share with you-- Just follow these 3 easy steps, ... .

I don't have one.  Try to divert yourself.  Go for a walk in nature.  Cling tightly to your religious faith if you have one.  For me, writing in a journal helped sometimes.  I wrote for hours, getting out thoughts asking questions  writing as if I were asking her.

You will get through.  One day you realize this doesn't hurt as much as yesterday.

I think it was Churchill that said "If you find yourself in Hell,  Keep Going."

Stay strong for you.  Best Wishes.

Octoberfest, Emelie, danly, Just Stumbling Along, thank you for your kind words. It really made me feel better. I'm truly blessed to be a part of BPD Family.


Yes, this is really valuable insight. I guess this is why we are so easily discarded by them. When they are in a state where we don't make them feel good, we become reduced to faces in the crowd at best, or painted back monsters at worst.


Yes, absolutely, I think this is the basis for my suffering. I try to attribute characteristics of a normal person to her, and can't fully wrap my mind around the fact that in an emotional sense, SHE LIVES IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE THAN ME. I cannot find order in someone who is so different than myself that me and her live in completely different worlds. But I tend to think that she thinks in the same way as me, so I become hung up on the thought that I am the bad guy who made her suffer.

Its really hard for me to accept the fact that the way she treats me is not because I'm bad, but because her thinking is disordered.

This ties into Octoberfest's analogy about the phones. I keep on trying to think that her Proverbial phone is working fine, and I can't grasp the fact that no, her phone is not working, so her view of the world is twisted, so she cannot possibly be trusted to provide a valid picture of what is happening in reality. Her reality is twisted, so I shouldn't trust her version of it.

I thought of an analogy too. Say there is a person who wears glasses, but these glasses distort everything. I can't trust his description of what he sees when he looks at the world, because he is unable to give me an accurate description, simply because he cannot see anything properly. He might say that the sky is green, and swear by it, because that's what he sees through his glasses, but I can't trust him, because HIS GLASSES ARE BROKEN!

So I can't trust my ex's description of my behavior, because she sees things that are not there! Her view of the world is not correct, I shouldn't take her word for it.

Wow, BPD is baffling, I don't think I fully understand it. I thought I had it somewhat figured out, but it turns out that I haven't even begun to wrap my mind around it.


Emelie, thanks for reminding me of that. When I'm down its so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that the pain will hold me in its clutches forever, and I just want to not exist anymore.


Danley, its very kind of you say that. My self esteem is in the garbage, so it means a lot.

Thank you for taking the time to help in, I'm blessed to have you guys. The pain was so excruciating that I thought I was going to die, thank you for giving me hope and support. IT MEANS SO MUCH!

Yes, this is exactly how I felt. I too could physically feel my pain. I would fantasize about being in the military and being pushed to the brink of my physical limits, so that the physical pain would cloud the emotional pain.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps to know that someone has been there and came back to tell the tale. Its truly a descent into hell, and I'm trying to crawl my way out.

I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Horrible, crippling pain. I thought I wasn't going to make it. Oh gosh, I don't want to go to that place ever again...

It is AWESOME you are having this realization... . You can start to be kinder to yourself. You can begin to see that this is not a case of you having made a mistake that ruined an otherwise perfect happy relationship with your dream girl, but rather an instance of you having been involved in something with someone where there were powers at play that you had no idea existed.  You being to realize that, in reality, everything that happened had very little to do with you personally.  I don't know if you know much of your BPDex's history, but I know enough of mines' to be able to say with ZERO hesitation that the 9 months we spent together fit into her history just like a chapter in a book that reads the same all the way through. 

You have probably heard the expression "same ___, different day."

With BPD it is "same ___, different person".  Eventually you will be struck by the fact that your BPDex has had nothing but rocky relationships and bad experiences her entire life.  We first feel bad for them, want to be the ones that are different, to rescue them... . then, after having been in a relationship with them and having seen first hand their behavior, which they CANNOT lie about and cover up because we are seeing it ourselves, we are forced to challenge that perception.  You end up with the conclusion that between all of the people and places and things that have happened to your BPDex, the ONLY common theme among them is your BPDex.  They are not as innocent or powerless as to the things that have happened to them as we initially thought.


Strength and Peace Brother

I tried to save her, I tried to play god, and I ended up in hell, trying to crawl my way out. "Saving her" made me feel strong, validated, like I was finally doing something good, but it a sick twist of fate I ended up on my knees, in pain.


Yes, as a matter of fact when it comes to a break up, they are at an advantage because they can paint you black and move right along, while we are in a lot of pain. But of course down the line, we are  at an advantage because we have the ability to heal and form a healthy relationship, while they will be stuck in their whirlpool.

Ah, now this is interesting... . I found that when I was looking at the reasons that I stayed, why I was there in the first place, etc. that this EXACT same thing came up... .

This is where, if you want to, you begin a journey of self discovery that only an experience like you have had can provide you the opportunity for.

I would dig deeper into the bolded part and find out where that word "finally" came from, and why you feel you have not been doing good in your life before this.

Then I checked her social networking profile, and she posted ":)ear ex, if you're watching, suck it."

CSKA... . the comments on the various posts are terrific.  I am blessed by them and learning so much myself.  I trust you feel loved and, perhaps most importantly, heard and understood.  

I copied your text above because my two cents to throw in here is as follows:  She has acted like a colossal jerk!  What an awful thing to write.  :)ude, forget the BPD stuff, this is not the type of behavior that merits someone who cares as much as you do.  She and her abusive boyfriend will make each other miserable.  Her behavior should be called out... . it is awful.  Feel free to be hurt and angry about it... .

cska, I hope you are feeling some relief from your pain. It is a blessing to have people here online that can truly empathize since we all have shared similar experiences and similar pain.

You ARE a good person who truly cared and loved your ex, otherwise you would not feel the pain you have been feeling. The other guy is NOT any better than you. Nobody is "good enough" to "save" your ex except for herself -- she has to make the choice for herself to change her own life for the better, nobody else can do that for her. Believe you me, I would give anything to heal my ex but it wasn't fair to her or to myself to believe that I could do any such a thing.  :'(

Just like only your ex can take charge of her own healing, now is the time for you to take charge of your own healing. Be sad, feel the pain, be strong enough to endure it enough to get through the day. Truly take it one day at a time. You may want to consider going back to 100% NC because of how vulnerable you are at this moment in time. Be kind to yourself and avoid pouring salt in your own wounds by breaking NC or checking on her. Isn't NOW the time to be "selfish" and help yourself instead of trying to be selfless and trying to help somebody else who you are powerless to help?

I just took a deep breath and sighed. It was relief. Reading these posts and the horrible pain we all go through. We are the lucky ones. We feel. We love. We hurt. We heal. My daughter pointed this out to me right after I had my ex dump it on me about her new guy. She is a well grounded well centered person. She said there was nothing wrong with me. She said there would be something wrong with me if I wasn't destroyed. It means I'm a good caring person.

Cska

You are good enough.Don't think for a second that you are not. Get those thoughts out of your head. You are a kind person who gave his heart to someone who didn't know what to do with it. She was never treated with the respect and kindness you gave her. She didn't know what to do with it or how to handle it. And she didn't know how to return that love and kindness to you. It has nothing to do with you. Remember that. She is mentally unstable and ill. She doesn't know how to function in the world without the constant chaos and disarray. She needs the instability in her life to function. This has nothing to do with you. You are good enough!  She is sick and she just can't take a pill to get better. It will be a lifetime of chaos and dysfunction in order for her just to survive.

cska, i just wanted to give you a virtual hug.   

and say that i have a lot of the same feelings you do.  i have been going back and forth quite a bit between depression and anger lately, all of which my T says is completely normal. 

and my ex is married now, just after a few months so you can bet i am having those "i was not good enough" feelings too.

BUT... . i am proof that you are good enough.  your posts on this board have helped me tremendously.  not everyone has the strength and courage to post here.  not everyone takes time to reply in an effort to help others.  you are one of the few! enough said! 

Winston, learning_curve, perfidy, WillTimeHeal, Bananas, thank you for your support, I feel so blessed, you're all so kind!


Absolutely, I'm so lucky to be a part of BPD Family. I think I would have lost my marbles without you guys.


Bananas, thank you soo much, you're so kind  And I'm also so sorry that you're going through this pain, I wouldn't want this pain to happen to anyone...


You know I've thought about that. BPD aside, a lot of the posts talk about how their exes behave in such sadistic ways. Is that all a part of BPD, or are these people also plain mean on top of their condition?

My ex knew I checked her twitter, and a lot of times she would tweet things specifically to hurt me (including now). She knows how to hit me where it hurts, and she used it. One time I asked her to make her twitter private b/c her tweets hurt me and I can't help looking at it. She told me that she wasn't going to do it because she can do whatever she wants to.

Before today, I used to say that if I had to do things all over, I would have changed nothing because I've learned a lot from the experience. After the pain I've felt today, I think I wouldn't be so quick to say that anymore.

But one thing I don't regret is becoming a part of BPD Family. I've met so many caring, king people here, I'm forever thankful 

On the note of twitter... .

You cannot be upset or hold against your BPDex her being unwilling to make her twitter private.  It is on YOU to refrain from looking.  I think it is kind of like learning not to touch a hot stove; you will keep doing it until you are sure, without a doubt, that it is going to hurt every single time.

I know, I know, me asking her to make it private was quite a long time ago. After that, I was so diligent about not checking it, but last night I slipped. And one you slip, its harder to regain balance.

The hot stove analogy certainty applies to social media, but I think its also appropriate for the entire relationship. She caused me a lot of pain and suffering, every time; and every time I kept coming back to  it.

You are not the only one my friend.  Sometimes it feels like I was sleepwalking through life during the time I was with her.

Yes, this is the answer for me. BPD family. I was the most worthless piece of suicidal crap and had already set a date and picked a method. I was ready to end my suffering by ending my life. I had made plans for distributing my wealth and possessions. Not going to happen now. I am in such a better place just knowing that I am not alone and understanding about what I have lived through. For EVERYONE who is suffering. You are not alone! We know how to love! There is NOTHING wrong with us!

Perfidy, thank you for sharing! This is really inspiring! I'm so sorry you've gone through so much. And I just want to say, I'm so glad you're with us!

It still SUCKS I still HURT but I am getting better. I still cry. I have more hope now.

I have to go to the office, so just a short word: the key to understanding things with a BPD-person, is so see that a lot of their behaviour is irrational.

I'll get back in the evening. Hope you have a good day!

I love music. I know how to compose. Anybody want to write a song with me? I'll start it. PAINT ME BLACK = A minor/G

A=440 4/4 time just to make it easy.

cska

a big big   also from my side!

I hope you can find some good sleep - and we are here for you.

Emelie, that's what happened to me. My last moment with my uBPDbf was him spewing blame and verbal abuse at me and I left his house after having heard enough -- he had been piling it on for weeks. I spent the night at a friend's house. Total dealbreaker. He threw out my things the next day, said for me to pick them up and to never contact him again.  

Like your expwBPD, mine became ambivalent about our r/s in the weeks before the final breakup. I became invisible to him. I could see it in his eyes, his body language, his priorities. My theory on this is he was just tired of maintaining a facade. During our r/s I challenged him on a lot of levels and I triggered all kinds of anxiety in him that I had to manage all the time. I think he was worn out from keeping up appearances and it took a lot of effort for him to be good. Sidenote: he is also an alcoholic, so there's that whole personality dysfunction. I got the feeling he thought his good was not good enough. He was worn down from always being anxious about me. As cocky and macho as he is, he is fundamentally insecure, unambitious, addicted, jealous, and scared.

I also had to compete with a lot of baggage he brought to the r/s from his failed marriage where his wife was the one to leave. I brought up all kinds of horrendous memories from that.  

Toward the end he began provoking me more. Our arguments usually ended with him telling me that if I didn't like it, leave. He just kept telling me to leave whenever he would blow up. In our fights in the early days, when he was allegedly in love with me and wanting to marry me, he would never use the "leave" card. But when he decided he didn't want me anymore, "leave" became his go-to response. Or he would leave for hours. He just stopped communicating and stopped wanting to be around me.

Interesting that his last words to me were "you left. you took your ___. we're over." He had been practically begging me to "leave" for weeks, yet we're done because I acted on it?

He never made sense.  

Cska,

Hang in there. I don't have a whole lot to add but just know we all the feel the pain. The past week for me has been horrible, I thought I was doing well but these feelings can just come flooding back. I spent the weekend hanging out with some very close old friends of mine and it helped a lot.

Everyday it helps me to remind myself that at this point it is a battle I am fighting with myself, it really has nothing to do with my ex anymore. I know she isn't good for me and I want nothing to do with her in the future. I know it takes time but the only thing keeping me from moving on is myself and everyday it does get easier especially if you are able to fight through the inevitable moments when the emotions come flooding in.

Trick

Surnia, Jonie, Trick, thank you so much for your kind words, it means the world to me!

Perfidy, I love music, but I can't compose for the life of me, sorry 


Peas, I had sort of a similar experience. My ex would tell me "If you don't like it, leave, I want someone who will be there for me no matter what." And then when I left because I couldn't deal with the constant suicide threats, she e-mailed me blaming me for not leaving earlier, and misleading her.  Go figure, its like all of the times when I would spend hours trying to comfort her mean nothing... In her eyes, SHE is the victim, and I am the bad guy for misleading her... yeesh...


Trick, you're right. Now, I'm sort of like my own enemy. This emotional prison that I'm in is self imposed for the most part, and I have to break out of it by changing my way of thinking.

cska,

Just been reading a bit here, and BTW if you love music, you should listen to some good stuff, nothing melancholic, something that is uplifting and what you like.  Put it loud !

We have all been deep, and you have been a very understanding and caring person for each and everyone of us here.  Let us say first of all thank you for that !

Next to that, we are all people who are here for one another, and we really care about eachother, and let's be honest and face it, something our ex borderlines never did.  I prefer the company of this lot  lol  instead of what we all had, it was not real.

I had done already much of my own struggle on the matter, when I arrived here, and this site has helped me to take big steps, one at the time.  Am I completely healed ? No I have to make steps for myself, understanding my own past a lot better now.  So each and everyone of us will get there !  I'm convinced of that, and so will you !

And although we all care for eachother here, the first person we have to care about after all what happened, is ourselves !

Put that chin up mate, you are a way better person and you know that you deserve a better person !  Don't go for anything less in life  |iiii

Reg

Reg, thank you so much for your kind word, it means so much to me!


Amen. I feel the same way, 100%. BPD Family is a blessing, I would have lost it without the support and information that I get here.

No need to thank me, we all are here for the same reason.  |iiii

BPD family is a blessing indeed, I discovered it a bit late, but still, it is amazing to see how many people found their way to this great site.

I hope there will be a site one day in my own language, as I discover how many people have the same problem over here in my country and think they were alone in this kind of situation.

cska hope you're ok today. I'm worried that I'm falling back into the dark place of rejection and pain myself today after 3 months... . I feel bitter, resentful, stupid... . this place is the only place of understanding, everyone in RL just expects to me over it cos I am clearly better off without a wanker leeching off me and making me feel like cr*p  lol

Sending you a big virtual hug today

xx

Delusional, thank you for your kind words   And I'm so sorry that you're in a dark place too. Its so painful, I know. We're here for you, were all family here  :)

I've just posted a reply on your thread.

I was on the verge of breaking NC a month after the split, until (and luckily for me) I saw her facebook page and discovered that she was in a rebound r/s with plenty of pics of them both together on a night out. Yes, no doubt she was hoping to hurt me (and it did), but at the same time it was a blessing in disguise that she rebounded, otherwise I might have been sucked back into the world of crazy again.

The first four months were the toughest for me, but beyond that point I slowly started to heal, and this was only achieved thanks to maintaining NC.

Push pull, I know what you mean. When I saw my ex's cruel post, it reminded me of why I left. But that's a problem. Why do I have to have reminders of why I left? I knew I had to leave, I had no choice, why do I need to be reminded of that?

In my case, and in yours, seeing facebook kept us in NC mode. But I desperately wish that that determination would come from inside of me, not by looking at any social profiles.

Nothing quite like vindictiveness in digital media to make us miss a person.

Well she has a nasty little mean streak doesn't she?  And childish too.  You picked a winner Cska - I picked one too  :).

Hang in there Cska.  There will come a time when you'll see these ridiculous, self indulgent things for what they are ... . So pointless.

It's like gum on your shoe my friend.  it'll shake loose eventually.

Ps social media needs to come with a warning.

oh my goodness i have so been there and thought about that.  well i am very glad that you got over it ~ that ALL of us have not done that ~ and are still here to tell about it. 

but this makes me wonder about something:  stats say that approx 1 in 10 BPD's are successful at attempting suicide (it is tempting at this point in the sentence to referencing a possible wish that the number was a bit higher, but i won't!).  anyways, now i wonder, what the stats might look like for the ex's of the BPD's?  it almost wouldn't surprise me if the number is even higher.  such is the wake of devastation, depression and destruction they leave in our lives.

icu2