BPDFamily.com

My wife and I have been married nine years and have a seven year old daughter and a six year old son. Her behavior changed after our first child was born, and it has been getting progressively more unstable that now I am scared to be alone with her. If we didn't have children I would leave immediately. I have brought up therapy in the past - marriage counselling a few times, anger management, depression. She has refused to entertain this, and instead will say I am the one with the problem. I won't go into specifics now, but in general these are the symptoms, in order of the chaos they cause:

-Rage: from mumbling angrily under her breath (almost daily) to physical attacks (rare, but once landed her in jail)

-Alcohol abuse: she will go weeks without drinking, then be drunk every night for two weeks. Binge often starts when we have relatives or friends over or we are invited out. We usually have to leave or end dinner early as her behavior rapidly deteriorates into anger/paranoia. She has driven with the children in the car while she was drunk at least once. She will try to hide her drinking, and will not admit to drinking alcohol, let alone having a problem with alcohol.

-She is manipulative with the kids: This happens every night. The children cannot go to bed unless one of them is crying. Promise of dessert/sleepover with friend/movie, followed by retraction of promise, is usual. Recently, after a long drive home, she woke the five year old up as she carried him from the car to his bed with the promise of ice cream. She brought him to the kitchen, made him a bowl of ice cream, then told him it was too late for dessert and he had to go to bed.

-She has a big fear of rejection: To the point that it resembles paranoia. She is currently giving the silent treatment to every relative and in-law she has except one. Numerous co-workers refuse to work with her. Cause given for cutting off contact is "this person hates me/is trying to ruin my life".

-Self image: She is constantly saying she is "fat and ugly" when in fact she is attractive and height/weight proportionate. She is bulimic.

-Sexuality: Because of her self image issues, she go long periods (3-6 months) without wanting intimacy from me. When asked why, the two answers she gives are "Why would you want to have sex with a fat cow?" and "what are you talking about we just had sex". After her abstinence periods end, she is hyper sexual for a few weeks. I have received anonymous letters from her work place that she has had multiple affairs. I do have proof of one affair with a co-worker. She vehemently denies ever cheating on me.

-She projects onto others: She complains that her relatives and co-workers have anger issues, not her. When caught in a lie, she says I am "the liar". She refuses to do housework, then complains that I don't clean up.

-She is unreasonable: She will form opinions and will not accept that it may be wrong even when given evidence it is. Quick recent example: She said we had no money in our checking account. I asked her why she would say that and she said because we never have any money. I told her we did, and she called me a liar. I showed her account balance on bank's website but she wouldn't look at it and accused me of making up a fake web page. When I ask her to clean up a small mess she has made, or to put away the laundry, the response is a rage that last for days and lectures on how she always has to do everything and I do nothing".

-Money: She does not over spend. On the contrary, she will not buy anything unless its on sale. If we get notice of a late payment/increase in a bill, she will go into a rage for weeks. She accuses me of hiding financial information from her as I pay the bills from our joint account. I have told her she should pay the bills but she refuses as I will sabotage her. She has told people I don;t let her see our checking/saving balances. I have, in writing via email and text, given her user names and passwords for our bank accounts. She denies I have given it to her, or that I changed the password, or that banking websites will not work on her computer/phone.

-Blame: Whenever anything bad or unexpected happens, blame must be laid. Any fight the children have, someone must be blamed for. If anything is misplaced, there must be a trial and then blame of the guilty party. She, however, cannot be blamed for anything. She will almost never make decisions, for in her mind, if the decision she makes is not the best option, she will be blamed and rejected. She cannot even make a grocery list, order dinner in a restaurant, choose a movie to watch, etc.  If she is to blame, she will disassociate. If she drops something in the kitchen and I see it, she will go silent and walk away.

-Carelessness: She uses items and leaves them as if she will never need them again. Drivers license, credit cards, hair brushes, remote controls - are often misplaced/lost because she doesn't seem to realize she may need to use them again.

WHAT I WANT - is for her to recognize we are suffering because of her problem and seek treatment. I do not think this will happen. Her family and I have talked of an "intervention", but they are scared of violence at worst and a screaming match at best, which is likely.

If I were to divorce her, according to lawyers I have talked to, I would be lucky to get joint custody of children. I would have to wait and document unsafe (not mean or manipulative, but dangerous) behavior before I could get full custody. Though I fear for myself, I am willing to put up with anything to insure the kids have me around for support/safety. She has never hit or even threatened to hit the kids, but if I'm not here to be the target of her rage, the children are the only targets she has.

I have only recently begin to react to her outbursts in  proper way - with patience and compassion. Up until this spring, I would argue with her, ask her why she was acting crazy, and often leave and stay at work for 18 hours a day. The rage has diminished some since I have been more compassionate, everything else is the same.

Is there a way I can get her into at least meeting with a counsellor? And if so, a way she will actually believe anything the counsellor says? Do you think she can go back to being the great wife she was?

-

I have not heard of anything as bad as this. Maybe its something more than BPD and you need to get her a psychiatric evaluation.  Might be best to involve her family in that. She certainly needs help.

This endless blaming and needing pin everything on someone is an insecurity and fear of loss of control. Someone ha sto be accountable. It is is a kind of soothing by projecting.

The only way i believe they will own they have a problem is if that avenue of soothing by projection is removed. That way their lack of ability to self soothe will become obvious to them, and they MAY then look for help in dealing with that.

Blocking projection however is not easy, and is mainly achieved by disengaging, not debating and not trying to problem solve using logic. I think you have already started that. At first it will increase frustration as her coping mechanism becomes less effective.