BPDFamily.com

I recently posted the back story of my relationship with my BPD ex girlfriend on the welcoming boards.  I wanted to share my break up here, since it is so fresh and I am really in need of support from people who can relate.  I miss her so much.  Its the most difficult thing I've experienced, to lose this girl.


She was on her way last Friday to my house from her internship.  That day was rough from the start.  She would wake up around 6 and get ready for her internship, and leave my house, which she was now living in for quite some time around 7:15.  I typically don’t get out of bed until 7.  Around 10, she texted me saying she wasn’t feeling great because we didn’t get to spend time together that morning.  She asked that I spend my evening alone with her, and that we do something special so she could feel how much I loved her.  It was a busy day at work for me, and I didn’t feel like having the same old conversation about assuring her how much I loved her.  After all, how could she not know?  I told her I’d see her after work and we could do whatever she wanted.  Before she got to my house, I was sitting in my yard and got a call from my Aunt, just catching up on things.  She said my parents were coming by my house with pizza to surprise me and my girlfriend, and they had even bought her a special dish that she loved.  My girlfriend arrived at that moment, came over and just stood next to me staring.  I motioned for her to sit down.  I ended the call may be two minutes later and turned my attention to my girl.  She was staring at me in anger and tapping her foot, like always, up and down rapidly.  I asked over and over what the matter was?  My parents arrived, so we retreated up to my apartment to discuss.  This was the beginning of the breakup.  She said she wasn’t happy anymore.  I begged to know why?  She said that she was expecting to be with just me tonight, and that I ‘just wasn’t meeting her needs anymore’.  She packed everything up and left my house, saying that she was done.  I called her several times to make sure she got home okay.  Once my parents left, I went upstairs and called her to have our talk for the night.  She was really done.  She said she just couldn’t do it anymore.  She hung up.

That weekend was hard.  I let her have the space she said she needed.  I found ways to occupy my time, by cleaning up around my place, walking the dog, and seeing friends.  Still no word from her.  It wasn’t until three days later that she called.  She talked about how lonely she was, and how lonelieness was the most brutal plague any human could ever endure.  I realized she missed me just as much as I had missed her all weekend.  It would be okay.  We talked about the problems we both had been experiencing in the relationship, and ways that we could combat them.  We would get through this, of course.  Jeez, I really had missed her.  She is my ‘go to’ person.  This is the girl I was going to spend the rest of my days with, and we had already lost three, so my focus was on never losing another one.  The conversation was rocky at times, but generally positive.  We were going to work through this together.  She ended the call on a positive note.  She then sent me a text message saying goodnight, complete with a picture of her getting into the shower and heading to bed.  I didn’t respond.  Mostly I was still focusing on giving her space.  After about twenty minutes, I called her, because I wanted to say goodnight instead of in a text message.  When she answered, I could tell she was driving, and had me on speaker phone.  I asked where she was driving to?  She hesitated.  I asked again.  After another hesitation she said she was on her way to the train station.  She then said, ‘I’m going to pick up my ex girlfriend, shes staying with me tonight”.  I fell to the floor.  The tears were uncontrollable.  The only words I could muster were “why? Why? Why?”  Her only response was “I can’t be alone.  I’m sorry, I just can’t be alone.”  I really felt like I was losing touch with reality.  I couldn’t form words, all I could do was cry.  I listened to my own labored breaths and just sobbed asking her over and over why.  She kept say “I love you, I love you, I love you”.  She told me that nothing was going to happen with the ex, that they were just friends now, and she just couldn’t be alone. I was so scared to say goodbye because I knew it would be the last time I spoke to her.  How could it not be?  She had already carried out an emotional relationship with an ex during our relationship back in the beginning, and now here she was picking up her ex for the night after a conversation about working things out.  I finally hung up in the midst of her saying “I love y—“.

Two days passed with no contact, and then she sent a text saying ‘I miss you.  I know you don’t care, but I am thinking of you.”  I did care.  But I didn’t respond.  I had been slowly deteriorating all week over the pain I felt without her, and I couldn’t find it inside of me to even respond.  I went to bed.  The next night was a game changer.  She called, and left me a voicemail so alarming that I fell to my knees.  It didn’t even sound like her, she sounded miles away from the girl I knew.  She was heavily intoxicated with alcohol and ‘hardcore drugs’, as she stated.  She had never been the type to do drugs, and rarely drank.  I was so nervous listening to it that she was in a bad way and something could happen to her.  Then, while I was listening to the message, two text messages came through.  The first was reiterating the state of mind she was in, and the second was a suicide threat.  She said she was going to call a suicide hotline so that I never needed to ‘deal with her again’.  She then said ‘this is goodbye, I’m dead.”  I was in such a bad place myself,  dealing with the break up, that I had no idea what to do.  I couldn’t even take care of myself right now, how could I help her?  I couldn’t let something happen to her though.  After discussing it with my mom, she encouraged me to call her mother and let her know what was happening.  My mom said as a Mother, you want to know these things.  So, I did.  I let her Mom know exactly what was happening, and she thanked me for alerting her.  I asked if her Mom could just let me know if she was okay once they spoke.  Instead, my ex called again, in the biggest fit of rage I’d ever experienced from her.  She left a voicemail that detailed how much she hated me, and listed every single reason why.  She called me a "sick f-ck" and a "tattle tale" for calling her mom.  She said things that I can’t even repeat without crying.  She also sent them in text message form, I guess to be sure that I got them.  This girl knew all of my insecurities and issues and pointed each and every one out in that text message.  She knew what hurt me the most, and she made sure to poke at each one.  I was devastated.  All I had been trying to do was put her wellness in the hands of the best qualified person, which wasn’t me at that point. 

It is so difficult to be on this end, mourning the loss of the girl that had crashed into my life so quickly and whirled around my life so perfectly.  I was aware from the beginning about her BPD issues, but I vowed to work through what it took to help her realize I would never leave her, because I love her.  It's especially hard because she thinks I am over here plotting maliciously against her, or "tattle taling" to her mom as she mentioned in her rageful voice message.  In reality, I am over here falling to pieces about losing my forever in the blink of an eye.  I've always been dedicated to making things work, even outside of relationships, and it is so difficult because I know she is detached at this point.  Each day is getting harder, not easier.  Reality is setting in.

Two weeks ago we were having a conversation about having her officially begin paying rent here/moving in full time.  She had even brought her Mother here to see my place that she has been living in 5-6 nights a week since the 2nd month of out relationship.  Today, we are in no contact stage.  Its so hard.  Its really painful. 

I'm reminded of her everywhere I go, I can't even sleep in my bed since she left because it reminds me of her.  I cry out of nowhere.  I try to occupy my time but I just can't quit her.  My friends took me out to a concert in Manhatten last night, and out of nowhere I thought of her, and concerts we had shared, and I stood there sobbing like a baby in public. 

So, when do the days start to get easier? :\

They don't just start getting easier.  Somedays will be easier, followed by days that are devastatingly difficult, and then maybe some easier ones, and sometimes months will pass where you don't think about her much or cry at all, and you'll just wake up one day feeling as tore up as you did the night you called her and found out she was picking up her ex.  Grief is not a linear experience.  It hurts like hell, and that pain will come and go whenever it feel like it. 

You sound like you're already leaps and bounds ahead of a lot of ex partners of BPDers.  You knew the thing with the ex was a boundary, and you stood up for that boundary.  Most of us spent a long time letting our exes trample all over us and our boundaries and our self-respect.  I broke up with mine because she was a junkie and a compulsive liar, and I realized that I would never believe her when she said she wasn't using anymore, or really when she said anything, because she had lied about so many things that I got suspicious when she said she was going to the store.  I'm not the suspicious type (probably why I was such an attractive partner to her) and it took 14 months of her lying every single day before I finally had enough and it was over.  And if it had just been the lies and the drugs, if she hadn't been so volatile and unpredictable and cruel when she disregulated then I probably would still be trying to work it out.  The bonds they form are so intense, and it's incredibly difficult to detach.

Things that help with detaching (I'm sure others can add to this list):

1. Go through the board, post your thoughts, share your feelings, and read the stories from other people who understand. No matter how close and loving your friends and family are, unless one of them has had a partner with BPD they're not gonna really understand what you're going through.

2. Make a list of all the things she did that you can't tolerate in a relationship.  Write down everything. Lies, behaviors, betrayals, mood-swings, etc.  Be specific. When you feel tempted to call or text her, force yourself to read through that list from beginning to end first.  Don't let your memory trick you into focusing on the good parts of your relationship.  Most of us have a plethora of stories about magical, perfect moments with our exes.  Those are what we get stuck on.  Those are why we go back.  Don't forget how much she hurt you though.

3. Distract yourself somewhat, but don't be afraid to feel what you feel.  If you're sitting at home alone crying all day then you're probably going to stay in a funk, but if you have the occasional evening where the loss hits you hard and you need to cry your eyes out, then do it.  Don't shove the feelings aside or try to choke back the tears.  If you're the creative type then try and use that creativity to express your feelings.  Paint or draw or write or whatever.  Just get it OUT!  Don't hold it in.

Thank you for sharing!

Probably the most incredibly difficult part of this all is that my friends and family are quick to say "you'll be okay eventually", "shes got issues", "you're better off", "move on".  Sure, those things work in a healthy relationship that eventually comes to an end, but when it is a BPD relationship that fails, obviously it is a lot different.  Plus, none of those things make it easier or make me miss her any less.

I am definitely open to your suggestions, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond :)

Oh dear Mellow, I'm so so terribly sorry. I know exactly how you feel. While we were together, my ex would also contact her ex every time she was upset at me. Now she and her ex are on speaking terms, and I'm treated like I'm a worthless nobody. I miss her terribly, and I e-mailed her yesterday, asking how she was doing. She didn't reply, but I checked her twitter, and she tweeted ":)ear ex, if you are watching, suck it." And then her ex retweeted that tweet.

Its horrible pain, I know, I myself barely made it through the night. I know how you feel. Please hang in there... I wish I could give you more solid advice, but I myself am crippled with pain and I don't know how to handle it.

Mellowkellow with everything being so fresh it's totally understandable how torn up you feel. my empathy goes out to you! i think one of the most frustrating aspects of having a r/s with an exBPD is that most other people, unless they've truly had a r/s with this type of person, can never really understand what it's like. hence you get the default hallmark responses from friends/family of "you'll get over it"--um, yeah, but how? or "she's crazy why would you want her anyway, you're better off without her in your life"--um, yeah ok, but WHY don't I FEEL this way right now? just know that they are your true support base and that at least you have so many others here that *do* understand what you're going through.

it's sad how a BPD will attack you with such vengeance, and i think part of your healing will be truly seeing her attacks on you as LIES. this is what they do, get enmeshed with you, find out your insecurities, and then blast you with them with every ounce of hate they have inside. what's true is that you have these insecurities. what is a lie is that you *are* these insecurities--you are far more, you are beautiful. just ask those you love, people you trust. try opening up to those you are close to about your insecurities and you can find a path to become better or to simply cast the insecurities off as unnecessary.

so, just hang in there mellowkellow! it *does* get better, but it takes it's time and there are many ups and downs. everything is so raw right now so don't fault yourself for any feelings of anger or sadness, this means that your feelings are working. your anger is telling you that your boundaries have been crossed (um, blasted away?). and your sadness/depression is slowing you down (sometimes to where you can't do anything) to allow you time to process and to let go. it takes a while, and it hurts like hell. you can't stop these emotions, i think it's best to look at them as healthy and necessary, to push you to remove this bad energy out of your life, to re-establish the beautiful true you

So sorry for what you're going through. Like others have said it gets easier, but going through it is hell. One of the things that left me feeling so empty was the fact that my wife was truly my best friend. We shared everything, which only made the breakup harder since I felt completely alone. Once I began to tell others what was going on, it became easier. I educated myself about BPD, found out where I went wrong, and vowed not to ever repeat my behavior.

The first part for me was accepting that she did not actually love me. She idolized me and made ME feel loved by making me feel in love with myself. The praise and adoration do nothing but boost how YOU feel about YOURSELF, it doesn't really come from them. Even though she has youth, beauty, brains, she never felt good enough about herself to just BE herself. It was HER making ME feel good about ME that made me love HER. Nothing but fantasy.

Then comes the clingy stage. You begin to see the faults and inability to cope with life. Everyday was a struggle just to get through it with her. Constant aches /pains, tiredness, never enough sleep, anxiety, GI issues... . it just goes on and on. You start seeing this person as somewhat broken and you want to help, but you just end up enabling them.

As you try and try, you realize that they are finding fault with EVERYTHING you do. You'll never make them happy. The circular arguments that never get resolved. The past always being brought into the next round of arguing. The disagreements with how money will be spent. The impatient need for instant gratification - My wife couldn't wait for anything - it must've been hell when she was a kid at Christmas. The blaming... . that's the worse... . you feel as if you're the cause of EVERYTHING that EVER went wrong.

So you stop trying to push her buttons, even though you don't know how you do it, you still try not to. It doesn't work. They raise the bar to another level and make you jump over to "prove" your love... . just another little mindtwist by the borderline... . If you stay committed to the relationship, you find yourself dreading the next issue that you know is going to come up soon. So you withdraw and distance yourself emotionally, because they are sucking the life out of you and you don't even know how or why.

And when the big split finally comes, and it will, you are the lowest piece of garbage on the bottom of the ocean floor. Nothing in their life would be wrong if you had never come along... . yeah, right... . and that's when you start your journey to figure this crap out... . Ask yourself, did you do anything to deserve this emotional abuse? Did you lie, fly into rages about nothing, go from one extreme mood to another at a moment's notice? Probably not, but the BPD did and will blame YOU for making THEM do it... . Who wrote THAT rulebook? Nothing with them makes sense, because in their minds, nothing makes sense.

I'm only rehashing my story, but you'll see the similarities with everyone here. They aren't all the same, but the pathology results in the same outcome... . total destruction of any relationship with the people who really do care about them as human beings. I still profess 'love' for my wife (soon to be ex), but I know I cannot continue any kind of relationship with her. She isn't a bad or evil person, but her illness makes her destroy the love that people want to give her. She cannot accept love and cannot truly return it.

So, what about you? I'm writing because it sounds as if you would be vulnerable to her reconciling. Ask yourself if this is truly worth it, because it will happen again... . and again... . and again... . if you let it. Learn EVERYTHING you can about BPD. See a therapist who understands what it's like to be on your side of this... . most don't. Protect yourself, both physically and emotionally. Try to get her to get help. Learn who YOU are and decide if THIS person is worthy of your love... . once she's done the work on herself, not now because I think you see she isn't. Do not allow them to manipulate your feelings into believing that they "love" you. Keep your emotions locked up and use your brain to observe and analyze their behavior. Do not go into this with high hopes of falling in love with the person you first thought they were if she wants to "try again." She has shown her true self... . beware.

Thank you for these responses.  They have all been extremely helpful in this weak state I've been in for a while now.

It seems like wavering back and forth between exes and current relationship is common with BPD.  I think it mainly is because of the neediness and desire to be wanted, no matter how superficial it is.  :)oes superficial love mean the same as genuine love to a BPD?

 Trust me, I've seen my share of borderlines before meeting my ex.  I've seen the rage, I've seen the boundary crossing, I've seen the inability to accept ever being wrong.  So when I met my ex, I knew from the second day that she had BPD.  Am I straight up foolish?  Probably.  But I wanted to focus on her as a person.  I'm a nurturer by nature, so we really were the perfect storm.  Coworkers couldn't believe I would fall into "the trap".  

I know the text book answers, and what the professionals say comes next.  But nothing can really prepare you for the fall out.  This website, and all of your feedback has been more helpful in me progressing forward than any DSM or DBT therapist.  Thank you.

In my case, my ex never lost contact with her ex. Yes, she would tell him to get lost when we were on good terms, but as soon as something came up, she would run to him.

Yes, I think its because pwBPD are so desperate for validation that they will attempt to get it anywhere they can.

In my experience, pwBPD look at love in a completely different way than nons. In my case, my ex claimed she loved me, but she was never able to "give" anything to me. She was all about taking. And I think most people would agree that real (non BPD) love involves giving.

Donovan,

Hey. Just read your backstory. First off, good job in taking a moment to collect your thoughts and share them here. You're far from alone in this particular place. So sorry you went through this with your ex.

There's a lot of good responses I'm reading in your thread here. I'll have to go back and see some of this myself! Yeah, I'm in week 3 of my breakup with my uBPD-exGF. We broke up one other time, a few months back. Then she started texting me after a couple of weeks, letting me know she couldn't bear to be without me, that we belonged together, and that she'd like to work on the boundaries that I wanted her to respect, if I worked on things she'd ask me for as well, ... .

Sorry you've dealt with this situation. I know how much it sucks to feel betrayed like this. Like I mentioned in your last thread. You are better than being someone's option. But yes, I do know what it feels like. My ex would often go to co-workers and friends (and that's what I knew she was doing). She texted a lot too. And I didn't go through her texts, but who knows what she's said to her ex when we got into fights. I know she'd told one of her guy friends (long-distance friend from high school - she claimed it was platonic) about issues she had with me. The ___ty thing about this was, I never met this guy and she'd have the nerve to get his feedback on me/us. And I shudder to think of what he probably wanted from her. Her answer: "what does it matter? I'm in control of what happens. Do you really not trust me to have a platonic guy friend?" Don't miss any of that at all! Hahaha.

Now, a few times, especially recently, my ex-GF felt so "low" that she mentioned thoughts of suicide. She didn't dare want me to call anyone either. Supposedly none of her friends knew - only I knew, supposedly. That's been really difficult to deal with. Now that we're not together, I have been maintaining NC with her. It's difficult and I do worry. But, I really need to be taking care of myself. Three weeks and I have been dealing with what feels like detox. I won't lie - I've gotten headaches from crying, I've felt moments of deep despair, jealousy, anger, all sorts of stuff. But... . I also have been taking time to read and post here. And these past few days, I've been doing it a lot. I think with some work, this--what we're dealing with here, getting over an old toxic wound, this is an opportunity to come out stronger.

Hang in there. Post your thoughts. Find some things that make you feel hopeful. I like going out for long walks out on the beach. Man, it does wonders. I find I have enough space to just think, sometimes I'll even start talking my thoughts aloud... out in public! Haha. Take care!

Donovan... . wow. you painted an extremely vivid picture of your ex breaking things off with you. My heart goes out to you. I know how difficult this is for you.

First off, you made a good decision by giving her the space she needed and letting her call you. The text message she sent you must have been a little odd since she told you 'You don't care about me' when clearly, you DO care. I've learned that text messages or any type of contact like that is reverse psychology; the person sending a message like that wants YOU to tell them the opposite of what they told you. Typical BPD behavior.

Then the messages about her killing herself? Again, you did the right thing by contacting her Mom. any type of self harm and/or suicidal threat MUST MUST MUST be taken seriously. Kudo's to you. It appeared that she was gauging your attention to her and wanted to see how fast you would come to her aid. Again, typical BPD behavior. Even though she resented you for contacting her Mom, it sounds as though she wanted you to know what was going on with her. She was seeking attention and she got it. It was an extremely unhealthy way to do it but it worked. I see no shame in what you did.

I know how you're feeling with regards to suddenly experiencing these triggers that completely take the wind out of your sails. They come out of nowhere, it it totally derails you. It's been since April for me, and I still cry. At times, I almost have to force myself to because I just need to get it out.  

There's a book I suggest you should read called 'I Hate You... . Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality' by Jerold J. Kresiman, MD, and Hal Strauss.It's  is a thorough examination about dealing with borderlines, what type of people they typically seek out, their characteristics, dealing with the aftermath of a breakup, therapeutic measures for them and recovery. You can find a PDF download for it. It's highly recommended reading.

None of us deserve to be put through this type of hurt. Please keep us all posted on how you're doing. PLEASE remain in No Contact mode, too. My therapist told me 'Responding to contact from your ex is like giving a bird ONE bird seed; the bird (you) will want more.'

Stay strong. As much as you don't see it right now, know you aren't alone. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

Donovan, I feel for you and I am sorry you are in this situation.

I will just share a few things that are helping me deal with my SO's betrayal and possible disorder.

1. I realize now that the love I thought she had for me was not real in the way I understand real. She loved an idealized me, not me as I truly am. Believing that love to be what I thought it was will be deceiving myself.

2. She made me feel terrible about myself. Now I realize that the way she sees me is not me. I don't let what she says affect how I view myself (as much as possible).

3. I grieve for the loss of wonderful life together that I believed we were going to have. But I also wonder how worse it can be if the BPD gets worse, or our children get affected by it.

4. Sometimes I tell myself that I have to help her. That it is an illness, and not her fault. But only she can help herself. If she thinks there is nothing wrong with her, then wouldn't I be better off fixing myself and helping my children and other people who are ready to be helped.

I am still very new to this, and still trying to make sense of it all. I am going to see my doctor next Wednesday to get a recommendation for a therapist. I want to be sure I am in a good state of mind before I make any decisions.

I hope you get the help you need in dealing with this.