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Does anyone else have rational conversations in your head with their BPD partner because it is not possible to have those actual conversations WITH your partner as they are unable to hold a rational conversation?

I seem to be doing this more and more often... .

HOW ABOUT if you prep your partner, let them know you want to have a "calm" conversation.

i went thru this, this weekend, I knew the conversation was a touchy subject so I went in saying, now don't get mad and lets talk like calm adults, and it seemed to work.

And yes, i too have the conversations in my mind, i think out of fear that I know he may get mad or angry, but prepping him b4 the topic

did seem to help.

Mostly, I have conversations in my head while she rages and spits accusations at me for hours and hours. I've heard the recording for so many years that I can paraphrase what is coming next. If she drives me to anger (it happens) and I'm up for a little passive-aggressive pushback, I'll start finishing her sentences for her. It drives the rage up a notch and I'm careful not to push. Nevertheless, I have to drown out the "noise", or, lose my mind as she exhausts herself in a frenzy of denigration, humiliation, accusation, and unhinged hatred.

I also practice having rational discussions in my mind with her for the rare occasions when she's open to it. Once in a while after an episode that is so bad that she can't deny the issue, there is a window of opportunity. A few months ago I let her beat my face and body so badly that she cried for days over what she had done. I had a few days to press the matter of the PD and the need for her to get control of it. A few days later when the demon showed again - she said she had not done enough damage to my face (I'll never allow her to assault me like that again). Nevertheless, it allowed me to put some rules for engagement in writing that she agreed to. It falls to pieces when she has an episode but helps a little each time to get her buy-in to narrowing the boundaries of what I will endure.

Good luck to you.

rj

Thank you for your words.

The Origianal Post was more of a vent than anything. It is just so frustrating when you try to have a conversation with a person who shuts you down every time.

…gosh, just tiptoeing back ‘up here’ from the ‘not sure’ and ‘leaving’ threads below…  For 2.5 years I’ve been back & forth with my uBPDgf ... . and we’re back at it, so I thought I’d check in to see ‘how it works.’  Hummmm …ouch  

I just spent 5 days with her, preparing for a family reunion she’d organized, with me then ‘being allowed’ to participate.  It’s always interesting watching her guarded behavior in mixed company, which included her adult son.  But, I was walking, if not ‘talking’ on eggshells most of my stay (we live in different towns) ... . so guarded as to what I said ... . that I found myself ‘thinking it’ - instead of saying it

I’ve been there before, and yes, I quite easily imagine the conversations we’d have if …we had them.  It’s tuff, cause so often there’s a ‘teaching moment’ - but it’s lost for the fact that’s likely the worst time to bring it up.  So, instead of instantly discussing an event when it’s fresh in our heads … we’re relegated to reciting it (never the same way) after she’s calmed.  …And generally, not at all…

Its a natural reaction and part of the insidious nature of the disorder's affect on the non-BPD. In the midst of an episode I promise myself to address some aspect of her behavior, then, later realize "what's the point?"... . its likely to trigger another episode and I just don't have the strength to deal with the consequence. I never seem to have the strength any more.

I converse with myself during rages. I try to mentally prepare for what I am expecting to come next. I calm myslelf and keep reminding myself look past the trigger words and don't take the bait.  I sometimes to daydream how i wish conversations would go if BPD was not in the picture... . ahh simpler times... .

I have exacted promises ahead of time from H not to get mad before I say something, and since he's "just promised" he usually abides by it.  If he starts getting mad, I quickly remind him of his promise, and that makes him back down (H is huge on promises... . and strongly believes that he keeps ALL promises... . so I use that to my advantage when I can.)

…seems I just let her get it out of her system…  And if I keep my cool, instead of ‘battling it out in real time,’ she’ll eventually apologize for the outburst.  She’s sincere, too, and that’s always appreciated.  Strange though, by not having engaged or matched her aggression at the time, and yet again realizing she was overreacting, it’s become obvious to her that she has a problem.  Then her low-to-no self esteem kicks in, she feels like a failure in my eyes - and appears to seek others who’ve not seen the BPD.  And when I attempt to assure her that I understand (and I do), and will allow her to ‘get it out of her system’ if necessary -- and that am not going anywhere …she doesn’t trust me – likely assuming, since she’d not tolerate such aggression, why would I... ?

In a way, she’s walking on eggshells, too ... . likely suppressing anger as best she can so as not to ‘hurt me.’  …I’m drifting a bit here … and also wonder how long my strength will last, or hers

No... . no drift at all. That's an important and astute acknowledgment.

I live for those times when the person I fell in love with shows up for a time. Until her health and personal issues began to amplify the PD response she always apologized and worked at restoring trust and intimacy. It seemed so heartfelt I felt guilt when she asked forgiveness. We cried a lot together and it caused me to examine myself and how I might be a better man. There may be a nearer path to healing than you or she knows.

Its easy to be a victim once we put a label on them... . but rarely are relational issues so simple or one sided. Filtering through the dysfunctional junk I discovered valid criticisms (multiplied to near infinity during an episode) and observations that she's made about me. I owe her my best, and, to work at eliminating each of the straw-men for her misplaced rage. Although the apologies are becoming rarer, I'll continue to work at making it harder for her to exploit legitimate offenses... . regardless of where it ends.

Sounds healthy rj47, growth for both |iiii  I’m so impressed with the strength my ... gf shows, especially with an understanding of what she’s dealing with.  And, I’m also a better person for the expectations and demands she's placed on me, and have told her so.  Always willing to self access, I only expect the same of her.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could simply grow together!  …but she seems to keep score, easily noting how little ‘tweaking’ I need to straighten up … compared to all she’s confronting.  I’m sure she considers that unfair…

She will make deep confessions regarding her fears and feelings of emptiness.  And as we’ve become very in tune with each other, the ‘silent conversations’ I have are very likely evident to her, thus unspoken.  I know she knows I’m here for her, and after four days of fairly stressful ‘family involved’ intensity, we definitely grew closer.  And I’ve long sought those times of closeness you describe, and yes, seem to live for them as well.  

If she can/ could only get beyond the fear, the fear of me leaving, the fear of engulfment, the feelings of exposing shame or guilt …and realize I’ll accept a level of it in trade for the solid times.  She’s complex, but several friends have told me ‘how easy it should be.’  Maybe I fear ‘easy’ equates to boring…  And what about, “no pain – no gain?”   It often feels like I’m paying a premium for a better ride.  Granted, it takes longer to earn the ticket – but the ride’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

Hang on :)

"Paying a premium" may be a very good characterization. And, maybe the return on that effort is that we become better for it as well.

I have been at it a long time and the process has worn me down. Aside from this discussion board, I don't bother to engage in thoughtful conversation with others about the issues for the same reasons... . people have no clue about the complex nature of the PD. As for the boring part... . you're right. I suspect that what continues to drive my attraction is a related but not fully defined aspect of the disorder that drives her personality. I could write paragraphs about. She's not at all like other women... . and never will be. She says... . "at least I'm not boring" and she's right. But, after 30 years, she also knows I may have reached my capacity to endure at a time when she least able to control it.

I'm glad you focus on the upside and are committed to working through it. She sounds like she's trying as well.

God Bless.

rj

Rj47 – realizing I’d be veering off topic here ... . I decided to start one of my own https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207370.new#new

"How, and is a long-term BPD r/s recommended... ?"

I’d sure appreciate your input

OMG, ... . I'm not the only one, ... . I love this thread,... .