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That's it really...

3 months since I saw him, no contact from him since June 17 when I terminated a pregnancy he never even acknowledged.

Went through 2 months of suicidal hell, no sleep, no work, deep depression and anxiety and confusion.

I have felt so much better this month but today the anxiety is back. I have lost 2 months of work to this mess, am behind. I feel lost in a world where i can't trust myself. My relationship choices are hit. I feel deep down this must be my fault, although I know he treated me shamefully and appallingly.

He blames me; labelled me a madwoman; will never apologise, never contact me again. Still thinks he is a hero who tried his best to 'change me'. While I supported him financially on and off for 3 years and he exploited, demanded, criticised, raged and finally devalued me completely after a bizarre apology email where he seemed to split me white before black.

I think I still  hate him, although I'm no longer sure what hate means, if it comes from hurt and shame at being someone's 'bhit' for so long (excuse language. That's how it feels).

I can't concentrate today. What to do to get my own life back?

Hugs to all who are suffering. xxx

Wow you are hurting bad.  Do you have a therapist? This is usually a good investment.

I can't suggest any coping strategies seeing as I couldn't maintain NC and  went back for the ultimate punishment but in my short time here I see there a lot of wise people with great advice. I'm sure they will reply soon.

In the meantime, stay strong and remember that there I as nothing wrong with you and that you did not create his mess. 

Hey Aussie. I'm actually doing so much better. I suffer from depression and anxiety but he threw me to a whole new level, my family were so worried they wanted to commit me last month and the hormonal upheaval really didn't help.

I've had real problems finding a T. I have a loony lifestyle, single mum and odd working hours, so ended up getting lectured about  my 'commitment to therapy' because i went on a holiday I'd had booked before I even engaged the T! So that isn't going to work  lol

I've been really helped by the boards here and the information. Realised I was trying to save myself through him and that all the intensity and nastiness and devaluation mirrored my abusive FOO relationships.

It's just today... . I felt it return... . knew that it would. Wanting to hear from him an apology, that he's sorry he nearly destroyed me... that he's sorry for messing up my life for 3 years. It won't happen and I must find  my own closure. And forgive myself for being so stupid and weak as I see it, as to keep taking him back for those 3 years.

When you broke NC did your ex tell you to f*** off? I haven't broken it properly but tinkered around the edges. Yesterday found myself texting him about the kids playstation of all things! Ive made no emotional contact since I passed through a friend of his an apology for my email/text outbursts of rage and pain when he dumped me.

he has of course apologised for  nothing, but I wanted to clear my own negativity.

xxx thanks for being there it really helps to know I'm not alone here.

Dear delusional, I'm so sorry to hear of your pain   God, I know it hurts so damn much... I'm sending you bear hugs  


Wow, this is so horrible, I'm so sorry. You deserve someone so much better. pwBPD thinking is so delusional and disordered, he abused you, used you and thinks of himself as a hero   That's why its almost impossible to get an apology out of them, they distort reality so much that they can't acknowledge their faults and apologize like healthy people.  


No, no, no, no, you're not stupid, and you're not weak. You have a big heart, you loved someone selflessly, and because of that you're hurting. All of us are in the same boat, dealing with a BPD breakup is excruciatingly painful, and by no means does it mean that we are weak. I'm also in a dark place right now, but I read posts of how people have healed, gotten better, and posts like that are really inspiring.

Please, please don't be so hard on yourself, don't think of yourself as stupid or wear, that's absolutely not true! Try to take care of yourself. I personally watch movies when I'm in pain. It doesn't take away the pain, but it helps...

You've gotten a 'lecture' from a T, is it possible for you to find another one?

Hang in there!  

My outlook started to get better when I decided that I would be the one in control, not her. I forced myself to accept that our divorce WILL happen and not to keep hoping for some miracle from her. I began to focus on ME, after spending 4 years focusing only on her. My kids, my career, and my future are ALL I think about... . she no longer matters. It may sound cruel, but I HAD to put her far away in the back of my mind in order to survive. I know she is unhappy living with her mom, who is also a BPD... . imagine THE emotional hurricane with two BPDs together in the same house... . yikes... . but I cannot let myself try to "rescue" her or convince her to come back.

There was the period of time when you first break up and you're not sure which way things are going and the feelings that seem to pull you in different directions. Someone here wrote THAT is what BPDs probably feel - constant pulling of their emotions, form wanting someone to rejecting them. I felt like that for a few weeks. It's physically painful at times. One minute I would want her back, the next I would remember why I couldn't let her back... . IF that is what BPDs feel, then I truly do feel sorry for her... . but I cannot be the one to try and fix it. The damage was done way before I came along.

I'm not sure if this will help as some of it may not pertain to your situation, but I do feel that there are "periods" of time during these breakups when your mind is so twisted by them, that when it starts to unwind, the knots sometimes take a while to work themselves out... . if that makes sense. Mine seem to have untied themselves and now I'm seeing things much more clearly and with great determination not to let this person control me. I hope you get to that point too.

A big hug to you, delusionalxox! 

It's hard to focus when overcome by emotions. And from what you've mentioned about your ex, it's totally natural to feel the way you do, anybody would, it's not just you.

Instead of feeling that you were "stupid and weak", can you step back and see that you were "compassionate and strong"? Didn't you care and love him so much despite his flaws and were strong enough to support him? Now is the time to be compassionate and strong for yourself.

If you're willing to try therapy again, you may want to try a different therapist. I've had sessions with different therapists and they were all different in their approaches. I would say it has been well worth my investment in time and money too.

I understand what you're going thru... . a lot of us do. The anger is so profound. It's a rush of every word and every action from your ex that you grasp to make sense of. I was very angry and full of hurt. I don't know when it will go away for you. But I do know that after feeling the immense negative feelings I had I noticed I was slowly becoming a person that I didn't like. A person who was the complete opposite of what I was meant to be. I try to remove the focus off the anger and keep myself busy. Surround yourself with positive people. And when the anger is still lingering, I just let myself go thru it. But the key is to NOT put yourself down about it. There are many things in life you cannot control... . you can't control the past and you can't control the future. You can make the most of the present and choose to have a good day or a bad day. Its really up to you and what you let affect you. More important, you can't control anyone else but yourself. You are in control of your feelings and actions. Put yourself first and CHOOSE to be happy. It may not happen overnight but it will slowly happen once you force yourself to realize that you are not dealing with a normal healthy person and relationship. Continue to treat others how you would like to be treated but remember that others will not always meet your expectations and treat you the same way. You werent stupid and weak. You were being a genuine person who has shown many positive qualities that werent being reciprocated nor appreciated. You give so much of yourself that you have nothing left to give. You put yourself out on the line for someone you care about. There's nothing wrong with that. But now you must realize that you deserve someone to put themselves out on the line for YOU. If this person can't reciprocate or try, then perhaps this person is holding you back from being the person you truly are meant to be and holding you back from experiencing a true and real healthy relationship that you so deserve. Be kind to yourself and know your worth.

Hang in there!

Thanks so much all.

I am really acknowledging the damage that uBPDex did to me now that i am indeed beginning to heal. It's just shocking how appallingly he has behaved. I got used for so long to making excuses for him and his awful behaviour. But there is no excuse for leaving me pregnant without a word, after everything I did for him. It was the absolute last straw.

I will never hear from him again and I know this. I don't want him back or even to know what he is doing. He is toxic for me in every way. But I hate how he blamed me for the dreadful way he behaved over three years. The utter hypocrisy, arrogance and lack of responsibility. I am no angel but I just could not treat a human being the way he did.

I know I've been the better person in the end and yet I have been split black and left alone. And I wasted 3 years of my life in delusion (hence my name! :))

I know I will grow from this yet growing through pain feels like scarring sometimes  

Love to all and so many thanks for your help. I'd like to personally hug all the lovely people on here who are always so giving of their time and concern. Xx

aaaaaaargh god today I am just so ANGRY. With myself and him.

The 'money' thread about being paid back just brought it all back... . how much I spent on him... . everything I gave... . and how he appropriated the moral high ground, lectured me, demanded and tantrumed while I took all the responsibility for everything... .

god how he used me... . then split me black, told me I was a toxic 'damaged and dangerous person' and left me pregnant to deal with all the ___ myself as usual.

i want to punch something. And I want to write him a long angry message. Which I know won't help anything.

I just want not to ever have known him. To blast him out of my head. He lectured me in his last message to 'let go of hate'. Probably because deep down he knows I have very good reason to hate him.

Sorry, the money topic did make you so angry.  Don' t let it happen.  This gets them back in our lives and minds if we don't watch out !

We can't change our past, but we do can change our today and tomorrow !

Delusional, it causes me a lot of pain to read how your ex abused and mistreated you. I'm so sorry

Please hang in there, I'm sending you hugs  

You know its interesting, I'm different from you, I'm never able to get angry, only frustrated. I've always welcomed anger, and tried to hold on to it, because it gave me strength to put my foot down and disconnect from my ex. But I'm never able to hold on to anger... At times, emotions come up, I begin to miss my ex, and that causes me unbearable pain. But when I'm angry, I don't feel this pain.

So there are some benefits to anger, but it seems that in your case, your anger becomes overwhelming, and causes you pain. I'm so sorry  :'( I've learned that anything that is overwhelming is not good. Everything has to be present in moderation, including emotions like anger.

Try not to ruminate about what he has put you through. He's not worthy of space in your head.

When emotions overwhelm me, I watch a lot of movies to get my mind off of things. That works pretty well for me. Also, listening to some good music, on loud. Maybe these things might help you too!

Please hang in there, I'm rooting for you. We're here for you! Keep us updated!  

thanks all!

I worked out the reason for my extreme anger today... . PMS!  lol So at least I know why I am ruminating so much.

I know the anger conceals a lot of hurt. I wish I hadn't let this waste of space hurt me.

I've got to forgive. Always thought I was a forgiving person, you know? But trying to forgive both myself and him hasnt worked yet.

It's a lovely day today, I am buying a house (at vast cost heheh), I don't have the drain of an abusive person on me any more. Indeed things to focus on other than him. And once the hormones settle things will look different :D

Anger is natural delusional. I also felt very uncomfortable with the anger I felt. I was not permitted anger as a child.

It takes time and its part of the grieving cycle - we all need to feel it, sit with, process it and not squash it - just on the other side of this you will feel better.

The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0) - Stage 2 (Anger/Resentment)

I wasn't permitted anger either Clearmind. Only my mother was, and she raged at us regularly! How patterns repeat!

As an adult I'm subject to fits of anger which can feel very disturbing and destructive especially when it includes anger at myself. My big thing with BPD ex is that I feel so so stupid and weak for having put up with him. I know I need to see it as caring, but he was such a toxic person and I knew it for so long. It's just dealing with how I allowed him to recycle me and use me over and over.

Well it is finished now and good riddance!

:)

Whoa history does repeat - definitely.

I know you feel silly - I did too. Often this is our own negative self talk - when we heal from our childhood conditioning we also relinquish this self talk and are more kind and compassionate to ourselves.

Yes exactly.

I am 40 and its about time I healed those wounds rather than rubbing salt in them all the time- and allowing others to do so :/

I learnt my lesson at 38! Join the club - better late than never my friend. I have a feeling you will be just fine  You are inquiring which is 99% of the battle... . the flip side of that is denial... . you are not in denial :)

Very true yeah. No denial any more. I guess that's the source of the pain. I know how I contributed to this. Just have to learn new ways of coping so I don't do it again. These boards have been a godsend.

One of the "benefits" of all this is I have become much more aware of how I say things and react to others behavior. It is somewhat of an awakening because they (BPDs) MAkE you focus on feelings, because hey, that's what it's ALL about, isn't it? I never realize I had so many g-damn feelings until I met mine... holy cr*p... but it has an upside (I hope). I'm paying more attention to little things and how I say them and trying to make others really understand that I do appreciate their help and when I say "I'm sorry," I really mean it these days. After living a few years with someone whose feelings towards me probably weren't real or truly heartfelt, I've made myself very determined to understand MY feelings and how I interact with others. I'm valuing my friends a lot more these days, and that helps me not miss her. I'm enjoying my children more than ever and although our marriage failed, our children are our success.

Hi delusionalxox and to all

I really feel for you delusional, there are as I said before, (many similarities in the relationships both you and I were in), which is why I relate so much to what you write about.

I too have bouts of anger, depression, haven't been able to focus on much, (except my work ethic is picking up from time to time).

Am so regretting responding to exuBP's attempt at breaking his own NC, and recycling me, on 3/7 after assaulting me twice on the only two times we have met in person over the last 2 months, (10/6 and 7/7).

Most days in between, he has limited his contact with me to toxic phone calls at least 4 days out of every week. For the beginning of the week, (Tuesday-Thursday) he is OK to talk to on the phone, although his phone calls are short and limited, (I kind of feel he just wants to make sure he knows where I am whilst he does whatever he wants).

I have listened and listened to his feelings/painting us black/painting my family and friends black/his parents, his life since he met me, him him him is really all it was ever about.

He liked to say our relationship was only ever about ME ME ME., my life, my job, my house, my friends, my family.

But really, could I help it if he didn't have any of those things in his life at all?

He had no life, no job, no house, no close friends, no family except for his mostly toxic relationship with his elderly parents, (later of whom he was back to relying on for somewhere to stay, not that he ever really did stop staying there the whole time he has known me over 3.5 years).

His two older brothers and younger sister limited their contact with him, by not inviting him over, (except on Christmas/Birthday events, and occasionally catching up with him if they called in to their parents. He was, (depending on his mood) either keen to interact, or defensive and hostile to them.

His older brother with two children under the age of 12, only brought his son and daughter over to Grandparents once, whilst BP was back squatting there, I guess they felt safer and more in control on their own property boundary.

BP was usually denigrating his other siblings to his parents anyway, or to me.

Then he would denigrate his parents, (shockingly so whilst they supported him, gave him a place to stay, food, money, etc).

Then it would be me, his life with me, how great he was before he met me, (yea right!), how unhappy he is, how that is everyone else's fault, (especially since he met me), his health, (never addresses this) his teeth, (never addresses this), his drive car, (never addresses this until it is too late), his mental health state (never addresses this either most importantly).

Then he goes to denigrating people in general, but I can always tell who he is referring to. The things he says are nasty, disgusting, violent, and verbally abusive pretty much 95% of the time he is talking.

Apparently I never gave him anything, didn't share, didn't help, didn't spend time with him, everyone else was more important, (including my job!), my house, my things, my children, my extended family, (ex who is father of my children, and brother in law in the same city), and last of all, but not least, my friends, of which I lost all contact with to help BP feel 'less insecure'.

So much for all that!

In actual fact, the real truth is, I shared everything with him, my home, my family, my friends, my money, my cars, my life, my job, my kids, my time, and most of all my love.

The fact that he chose to use all those things to punish me because they weren't up to his rigid ideas of things, isn't my fault at all. And it certainly wasn't an excuse to punish me eternally, since I was trying to please him and listening to his concerns.

The fact that I did not accept listening to his denigrating, threatening, violent disgusting language is really what upset him.

A day ago, was the last time I spoke with him. He rang in the morning, with his usual snarling tone of voice, calling his parents C***'s, and then calling my daughter and her partner, (that board with me) C***'s too. This time, instead of detaching, I firmly stated that I did not wish to listen to the way he was talking about people I care about so much, and that I do not think they deserve to be called C****'s by him.

With that, he screamed at me, "WELL, F*** OFF THEN, YOU F****N C***!, and that was the last I have heard of him. Oddly, I haven't cried much this time round.

I had sent him a barrage of texts on Friday last week, after listening to him and being expected to play therapist once again for 3 hours earlier that day, whilst trying to take care of some financial business matters with my own business and also not feeling that well myself.

That didn't matter to him, he got all sulky when I kept reminding him that I would need to get going now. Usually he will just keep talking over top of me, and ignore my needs.

When I asserted myself for the last time, (so frustrated I felt like throwing my phone across the room) he went all snarly and said Bye, 'no love you too' at the end of the call.

To spite me, he went off somewhere in his favourite beach city for the whole night, and was unreachable yet again, by mobile until later the next morning.

I had rung his parents around 7 pm, thinking he might be inside having dinner, which is why he didn't answer his mobile. His Mother had told me that he had called her about 4 pm, (just after he got off the phone to me) to say he had gone to this city for the night, and had run out of petrol, but he was OK now, (his other girlfriend probably brought him some petrol or gave him a ride to a petrol station). My suspicion is that he has always had another source of supply over there, and probably has since he met me, (hence the reason he goes there every week).

I have to admit, I have sent two texts, one last night, stating that 'I guess I failed this relationship, but then you weren't ever going to let me succeed anyway now were you?'

And another saying that 'it was like I had always said, we both had to let go the pain we had caused each other, both intentionally and otherwise, in order to move forward and make that new life' he said he wanted to have with me.

He has ignored both of them, and has gone NC again.

Many times over the time he has known me, he threatened to find another woman, and that he simply just wanted a 'friend' to hang out with, and someone that liked him, just like I did when I met him.

I read between the lines of this a lot, since they like to keep things 'fresh and new' with people, they move on, quickly, since they hate themselves so much and are terrified of intimacy, forming lasting bonds with anyone is pretty difficult if they are in constant contact or too close, (this goes for their family and friends too).

BP's last remaining close friends live miles away, and are moving on with their lives. One spent 7 years unemployed too, although he had a very wealthy girlfriend supporting him the whole time, plus his redundancy payout was a whopper, big enough for him to buy a brand new vehicle, and live off for quite some time.

This friend lives on the other side of this country, and quite often offered BP a job, when a year ago, he returned to the very same industry BP has a degree in. BP ignored him the whole time, even though I said I was keen to work away again, (on mines in a laboratory).

BP quite often bragged about how much money he would be making once he got back into this industry, but then would be back to painting the whole industry and his friend black again.

Recently, he has been talking again, how he is going away, to work overseas, then he says he isn't, then he says he will work in the city, and that he needs to have something to tell his peers when they ask him about his relationship/family status.

He was bragging just last week, about how his friend could get him a job any time he asked. And bragged about how much money his friend has made in the last two years he has been back in working, ($500K).

So now, as I suspected, that BP is not with me, he is going to go back and find work in his industry again, possibly overseas, or who knows.

I personally, doubt he will find it easy to be working again, after so long out, and obviously his current mental health state, I also wonder if he has avoided working because deep down, he knows he will fail the mandatory medical, (drug testing).

But who knows, he would be spiteful enough to find work, now that he is not with me, since he always believed women only wanted his money, (his past girlfriends did according to him). The way he has been with myself and his parents financially, I find this pretty hard to believe too.

He actually believed I wanted him for his money too, and thought he was a loser since he didn't have any, this is disgusting, when I think of him living here for nothing, for two years, and at his parents too.

Oh sure, he likes to think he was totally generous when he did get money from certain sources, but nothing he did, or nothing about him was ever reliable or consistent in any way.

Because I have refused to uproot my (reliable) family boarders, and provide him with a place just for the two of us, he uses this as an excuse to say that it was me that threw him away, in favour of other people.

Yet he cannot even tell me anything consistent about his feelings, his finances, or anything. He 'might' be able to help with the rent, but not definately. It 'might' work out, but then we might just 'not get on'.

Mmm, I could be a saint, and I know that even if I was, un-hurtable, unbreakable and oblivious to the pain he causes, he would still act like a total demon of a man. That I believe will be his downfall.

In fact, I distinctly remember a cocky statement he made in the first six months of our 'interaction', in that he said he knew if he left, by dumping me, that he could walk back in six months later, and I would take him back, (cause I know he is a really good man deep down apparently).

I said it wasn't about being 'bad or good' it was about your actions and your choices, and the way you think about things, all which can be changed, which produces different and better results in your life, (and happiness too).

This was over his head, of course.

Sorry folks, just venting (again).

Love and peace to you all.

'I have listened and listened to his feelings/painting us black/painting my family and friends black/his parents, his life since he met me, him him him is really all it was ever about.

He liked to say our relationship was only ever about ME ME ME., my life, my job, my house, my friends, my family.

But really, could I help it if he didn't have any of those things in his life at all?'

God rollercoaster our exes are so very similar. Yours is like a more antisocial and bitter version of mine.

Ex is living (as far as I know for now) on his sister's couch alongside her 3 teenagers who he gets stoned with frequently and sides with against her. He frames this as 'helping her with her kids' (she is a single parent) but as far as I can see he is just being another teenager.

Since I split with him EVERYONE has commented not only on how immature he was but on how he even somehow LOOKED like a teenager, (although balding! lol). Gave off the air of a teenage boy. And to live with was like an angry one.

Exactly the same projecting, nasty, critical, envious tone in much of what he said as your ex. He would then split me white and go through weird periods where nothing bad would be acknowledged. All the abuse he gave me he dissociated from. It never happened and thus I am the abuser, although he left me pregnant etc without a word other than complaint about the 'damage' he had suffered.

So why do I still care about what he thinks, what he is doing? It's a mix of shame and disbelief at my own stupidity and anger at his appalling behaviour plus the horrible, raw lack of closure at how he dumped me so high handedly both as lover and friend. How he rejected everything I had done for him, claimed the moral high ground (! I know. Laughable).

I think when we have become involved with such toxic people it both locks into previous wounds (you must be carrying some, from family of origin? think of how he mirrors parental behaviour you experienced, for instance) and reopens those wounds. Hence the awful pain.

A big hug to you. I'm feeling all the pain you are too.

xx