BPDFamily.com

So, short background.  uPBDh had falling out with D15 last night.  She lied about some stuff she said I said and I didn't.  (Actually, she may not have even lied, it might just be how he felt about what she said and then he exaggerated it and projected it onto me?) So he tells me he's done and he refused to bend and "kiss my a$$" like he always does ? (He NEVER apologizes and if he does, a few hours later, he bends it to my fault).  I told him "I never said any of that stuff but believe what he wants.  I don't want to lose him, but I'm not apologizing this time because I'm 100% not at fault."  He is hateful to me last night and this morning.  I told him I didn't know what time I'd be home, I had things to take care of.

I get a text this morning :

All I want to say. I do love you.

Is that his form of apology.

I texted back:

And I love you, uBPDh.

He called later and tried to size up what my plans were by asking about me being home for dinner and if I was leaving after and blah blah blah.  I was very vague because he had said he was DONE and no longer going to be nice at all and was only staying because he had to. I figure it's none of his business what I do.

I think it was his form of apology. 

From my experience, my girlfriend rarely sincerely apologizes.  She will say things that she thinks are making it up to me, and I think she genuinely feels bad about her behavior, but something about a genuine apology must feel vulnerable to her.  For example - she hit me on Friday night. It was the first time she was physically violent with me.  Saturday morning, she left without saying anything.  I sent her a text saying I would be out of the house for several hours.  A few hours later, I got a text from her asking where I was, saying she would stay with a friend this week.  I told her I did not wish to talk to her or discuss what happened until my emotions settled and I talked to my therapist.  A while later she sent a text stating that she just wanted to say she is sorry for "HER ROLE" in what happened, and a followup text stating that my lack of communication is something she can't live with.  A few hours after that, a text that said "I miss you"

I'm new to this message board, but from what I have read so far it sounds like genuine apologies are hard to come by in the BPD world.

Yes, they don't apologise.

Funny. That is the kind of thing I say , when my BPD wife is raging at me, demanding I apologize, or driving hard to make me feel bad for my side. When I have not really done anything I can recognize. She won't relent until she hears words from me that are a capitulation. That's when I say "I love  you, I am sorry for my role in it. I know I could have done better."   it's a true statement. I do wish I could handle this better. But it is not an apology in my relationship. It is a statement of feelings, that are independent of fault, responsibilitapology .

It's funny because I figure that is a non BPD behavior, my BPD wife never even gets that close to an appology.

John. Nyc1

I have gotten apologies before... . but not latley and they were out of the blue after a long term arguement.  So i would say 99.9% yes they don't apologize.  Now onthe other hand I am expected to 110% apologize. She will always end up saying all I wan to you to say is I'm sorry.   Now over my life time I swear those 3 words I have used 1,000 times more than any other phrase in the english language.

I think if they do apologize they do it in ways like you mentioned. Its a form of without actually makinging it a real apology.  If I knew it would work to prevetnt rages and arguments would bethe first and last words out of my mouth everyday , I'm sorry for what will happen today... . I'm sorry for want happened today. That way I wouldn't have to use it 100 different times through out the day.

Cipher13, love it... . a preemptive apology... . I think that's a great idea!  LOL!  I just woke up and I'm sorry for whatever happens!