BPDFamily.com

This is the thing that seems to start 90% of the rages.  She complains I can't communicate or have no relationship skills, that I am unclear, wishy-washy, ambiguous, etc.  In 37 years nobody else has ever told me that before.  When I went to a therapist to discuss this, my therapist quickly diagnosed her as BPD, and communicating with her will be difficult for anyone, and that the problem lies with her and not with me.

Does anyone else's pwBPD complain about your lack of communication skills, or complain that you are being unclear?   I'm discovering she seems to have this issue with others, too.  Co-workers, family, and other friends.

Ah yes! Mine always wants to talk. Wants communicate about What's wrong.  "Really wants to listen this time!"

As soon as a discussion starts... . the deer in headlights comes on and I'm left with a zombie.

Not sure about the why.  I know that she never truly wants to reach any sort of resolution. Its better for her to stay open ended and I'm thinking that gives her ammunition against me in future talks. Also, I honestly Don't think She's thinking in the same rationale manner as you or I so When faced with fact based rational thinking she becomes confused. If she can't Think emotionally She's lost. 

Not To put her down or toot my own horn but we are on a severely different level of intellect. That creates frustration.  And drives me nuts because She's got a hugely inflated sense of self and sometimes I just wanna go... . What the heck?

YES YES YES!  My main issue with my uBPDh as well.  It's a "no win" situation, because when I talk to him, I either provide too much detail and he says I'm being indecisive, or too little detail and he accuses me of withholding important information.

If he asks a question or we have a decision to make, I cannot discuss the pros and cons with him or he will accuse me of being "indecisive" or "wishy washy."  This is projection at its worst, because it is he who is indecisive, and he wants me to make the decision so he can blame me later if it turns out to be the wrong one.

An example of the opposite issue (I communicated too little): We got invited to a birthday party for my friend's daughter on the beach this past weekend.  I gave him all of the information I thought was relevant: the day and time, the person whose birthday it is, generally that it was a beach party and that it was at a specific beach.  When the time came to go to the party, he was already dysregulated, and, after it came up that the kids might want to go in the water, he was furious.  "Why didn't you tell me that people are going in the water?"  I told him I didn't say that specifically because it is a beach party, and that's what people do at a beach party.  He said, well, they could have one of those inflatable play structures for kids to jump in, so I should have been more specific.     I have never heard of a beach party with a "jump house."  It's certainly not intuitive that I should have clarified with him that there would NOT be one there.     So once again, I was blamed for not communicating properly.  I failed to provide "all of the information."  I told him that he needs to ask me next time.  That was met with commentary to the effect of why should he have to do what should come naturally to me!

This occurs in regular conversation, too.  He misses the point in almost everything I say - either focusing in on some minute detail that is irrelevant to what I'm trying to communicate, or spinning what I said and taking it personally.  I seem to miss the point in much that he says as well, because his thought process is just so different than mine.  Most of the time, he has an agenda - he's trying to prove that I did something wrong or that he did something right.  He also says that he shouldn't have to ask for the information he wants; I should anticipate his needs and wants and simply fulfill them, because he says that's what he does with me.  HUH?    

I too have had no problems communicating with other people.  In fact, I communicate for a living, and no issue there.

  Daylily

My H can be very hard to follow because he'll change subjects without segues and will use pronouns without antecedents. 

Then, he'll get mad if you're confused about the current subject matter.  Once we were talking about one of our son, then (with no notice) he started talking about our other son, but never said his name... . just used "he".  Ugh.

He comes home from work and will complain that someone during a meeting expressed difficulty knowing what he's talking about.  If I were to tell him what he's doing, he'd flip out.  I figure that at some point, someone at work will tell him and let that person be the bad guy. 

H does complain that we don't communicate well, but really it's because he wants to do all the talking and doesn't want to listen to anyone else. 

H also complains that I give him too much info (the truth is he doesn't want to listen), but then if I don't give him enough info, he'll complain about that as well.  This came up with a T, and he finally admitted that I can't win either way.  lol

yes, yes, and yes.  the only time my xBPDgf didn't complain abt my comm skills was when she got to do ALL the talking, which was her preference.  lol

in the Seduction phase she hung on my every word but in later stages i could barely get a word in edgewise.  seriously.  when that got old, sometimes i'd walk away from the phone and when i came back she was still talking, hadn't even noticed i wasn't there!   lol  and it wasn't just me, everyone that knew her told me the same thing. 

but her biggest complaint against me was the opposite of yours:  she said i was too blunt, too straight forward.  i learned eventually that was code for "you're being too honest and i can't take it!".  reality was not her friend... .

Yes, been there, done that.  Never noticed!

Yes she said numerous times that I didn't communicate my true feelings. However the last 3 months of our relationship it was her lack of communication that pushed me away, ironic.

That was my problem 15 years ago was i didn't communicate right... and it always caused trouble, then i learned to listen and the communication skills that i needed  . learning to validate is a big one, although sometimes i am not good at this. but with practice you to can learn to communicate learning those tools and skills are very important when living and loving a BPD...   oh and  *welcome* *welcome* *welcome*

keep reading and learning make sure you read over the lessons and soon the  :light: will come on...

YES!

It was great yesterday when our 24 year old son stopped her mid-story and shouted in frustration... . "Mom! You start stories in the middle about people, carry on multiple stories at the same time, then get mad when we don't have an f'ing clue what you taking about!" She can get angry, but he's learned to read her and not push matters to the point of triggering an episode. My 19year old daughter was about to chime in until I waived her off. It could have turned ugly, if she had perceived criticisms or a challenge. I can't get away with it.

I'm criticized as being stupid, obstinate and an outright liar when I fail to immediately fail understand what she's rambling about... . becoming one of my greatest character flaws.

I am by no means a perfect communicator.  since I know this I try to be minful of that fact. My W often times will start in the middle of something that she may have left off of an hour ago.  Example she wil talk about sister and what ever is the new issue going on with her.  Then out of the blue... ":)o you beleive what she is trying to say?"  What?, Who?, Huh?   

Also there is the part where you can not be right becasue that means they are wrong. They feel that you are a certainway or a being a certain jerk. You can not deny no matter how much you know its being exagerated... . I have sate complety dumb founded before where she just says "You were being mean to me an hour ago."... . What the heck did I do? Then i think and think and it comes to me. I didn't get her a glass of water from the fridge she was standing next to and I pointed out that she had the door open already while standing next to it.   

Yes. She always wanted to talk.

Me too wanted to talk, but our talks always ended in her blaming me for everything en a lot of lies.

That was one of my bounderies: I stopped talking if she was lying or blaming.

I guess she was right about my communication-skills. They weren't BPD-proof.  :)

OMG! YES! 

I am told all the time by my H that I "never explain things correctly" and that "no one understands what I'm talking about".

Never mind that I can be telling something to our entire family and the only one that doesn't get it is him!

What I have found is that if I really need him to understand something, I have to have his FULL attention, meaning that he cannot be watching tv or doing anything else.  The best way is to go out to dinner, sit across from him, and then say whatever needs to be said.

If he is doing anything else, he will only half hear me, but think he has understood the whole thing. When I clarify something that he misunderstood, the raging and name calling starts and the wall goes up and there is no way to get through to him.

What about while watching TV. Anyone have to explain what is going on when clearly its ovbious what is going on.  Or they don't understand why whats happening is happening.

I have to explain stuff that is going on in movies or tv. Even if we have seen it before.

Absolutely! I don't seem to have any trouble communicating with pretty much anyone else. People "get" my jokes and think I'm humorous guy to be around.

Not my wife, especially when in a "heightened" emotional state. She doesn't get when I'm joking, doesn't seem to understand sarcasm (light hearted, not directed at anyone) and never seems to be able to "read" my emotional state, even after 17 years of marriage.

As for often getting lost with the story of what's on tv and having to explain things, I find that that is an issue at times as well.

I'm new to the whole BPD diagnosis and have been doing a lot of research and one of the pages I found was that a study was done on people with BPD and their ability to read facial expressions (see article here: www.healthfinder.gov/News/Article/676507/people-with-borderline-personality-disorder-may-misinterpret-facial-emotions (http://www.healthfinder.gov/News/Article/676507/people-with-borderline-personality-disorder-may-misinterpret-facial-emotions)), in most cases, they weren't able to do it and when they did, they were wrong and almost always attributed a negative emotion to pretty much whatever expression they had. I've found this to be very true in my marriage. If I'm "neutral", she thinks I'm mad at her for a made up reason. If I'm "happy" even smiling and laughing, I must be laughing at her or joking at her expense (which I never do, why would I do that?). I kept thinking that by now she should be able to know my expressions. Nope, and I've come to terms that it's just not going to happen. I do my best to explain how I'm feeling and trying to reassure her that I'm telling the truth... . Not always easy.

Learn somethign new here everyday it seems. I too seem to be labeled as "emotionless" when I am being calm during one of her rages. I am not having any fun if I am not outwardly  bein gover the top enthusiastic about what ever the "fun" think is she is doing or trying to get me to do.   "Not always easy." Tha sums it up in a nutshell.

Wow.  I get that too:  "What was that look?" "Why did you laugh just now?  That wasn't funny."

She is constantly trying to read my body language or facial expressions, and constantly claiming or questioning, assigning me to some other emotion that is opposite the way I feel.  And if her interpretation of my expression does not match how she thinks I should be reacting, all hell breaks loose.

Like those times when I react to something absurd by giving a little chuckle or smile.  It's not a chuckle because it was funny, but because it was just so ridiculous.  I think most people do that.  But if I do that in front of her, she will get angry and ask why I laughed when something wasn't funny.  So, she may tell me about something dumb a co-worker of hers did, and I will chuckle and smile, and she will think I am finding humor in the misfortune, but instead the chuckle is a sign of empathy or agreement with the situation being described.   

that sounds so familiar ~ especially the RAMBLING part... .   my xBPDgf was like the energizer bunny of talking.  she never got tired of hearing herself talk. 

IN FACT, i remember one time on the phone she rambled so long she talked herself to SLEEP.       lol

icu2

i've been NC for 5 months with my xBPDgf and i'd almost forgotten about this aspect.   hell wouldn't break loose, but mine would kind of almost badger me and it creeped me out.  and if my version of what i was feeling/thinking didn't mesh with her version, she would basically accuse me of being in denial or out of touch with my feelings or not self-aware!  since she had a degree in social work she was quite fond of using psycho-babble against me. like, excuse me?  talk about control issues   lol

icu2